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Recently Seperated From Ex...and being alienated from my children!

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  • Recently Seperated From Ex...and being alienated from my children!

    In July of this year my ex and I seperated after 10 years of marriage.
    Since that time he has done everything in his power to alienate and brainwash my children against me. Everything from cursing on me in front of the children to telling them I am a liar( that is putting it mildly). Not once have I ever berated my ex in front of the children.
    I have filed(in September) for joint custody of my children with the aid of a lawyer. Not getting anywhere with this as my lawyer will not answer my calls(only emails). The only time I get to see my children is through extra-curricular activities or driving to the house after work for a five to ten minute "quality time" session with my children in my vehicle. Unfortunately, my son has been almost completely turned against me by my ex and his parents( who now live with him in the matrimonial home). My daughter tells me she understands, to a point, why the marriage ended but the time I spend with them is limited( not for my lack of trying).
    I am stuck in a rut and I don't know where to go from here. I am falling apart day by day and am emotionally drained being away from my children like this. I have been the parent who has been there for them all there lives and now it seems as though that never really ever made a diffirence. Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything even close to this. I need some motivation. HELP!!!!!

  • #2
    Hi.
    This is obviously really difficult and painful for you. Try to keep calm and strong, which is hard advice I know.

    The situation with your lawyer should be this: If you have reason to think you can get custody, or shared custody, or even a more regular visitation and overnights, your lawyer should immediatly be bringing an emergency motion to the courts. This is because the father is establishing "status quo" and if this lasts too long the courts won't change the situation. You need to establish your level of access now. If your lawyer doesn't respect this, you need a better lawyer.

    It may be that there are reasons why your lawyer expects this would fail. You should get a second opinion, but pick your battles, don't exhaust yourself and your finances on something you can't win.

    You don't say how old your children are, but they seem from your description to be articulate and mature. They are capable of making up their own minds, you should not need to defend yourself, you should only need to be there for them as a decent mother in the time you have access. Children in the long run don't like hearing one parent put down the other parent, this will only backfire on the father if it goes too far.

    The father is as stressed and upset by the marriage breakdown as you are, even if you don't see this. Try to get a reasonable 3rd party, like a family friend or a relative to tone this down and stress that the children need both parents at some level, and fighting over them will only make things worse. The third party doesn't have to solve your problems, just open the door a crack to a more reasonable approach to the kids.

    There is no instant cure for this, and you may need to take legal steps, or maybe you can just get things to calm down and be more reasonable asap, for the kid's sake. Doing this through lawyers is expensive and time consuming and if you can get this mediated, either by a trusted (by both) friend or a professional, it will be so much better for you.

    Comment


    • #3
      I have been as calm and as strong as I can be. Believe me, just ask my family and friends who have been pushing me. I do also know that my ex is suffering from the break down of our marriage but what right does that give him to alianate my children from me. I never wanted to hate him but it has come to that point yet I would never do to him what he has done to me.
      My children are 15(daughter) and 11(son) years old. They are mature for their age, especially my daughter. She has seen and heard a lot through the years. My ex controls them by buying them. At that age I guess it is easily done.
      I have not done anything to have my children taken from me. I have been a dedicated and devoted mother for the last 15 years and I continue to do the best I can to remain in their lives. I only want what is best for them and whatever makes them happy.
      With regards to the lawyer situation, I am totally disgusted with his so called services as a 'professional'. I have been put on the back burner by him every since our first meeting ended in August. I have made several unsuccessful attempts to make contact with him via telephone but to no avail. Because funds are short for me I am considering legal aid as I have limited options right now.
      I appreciate and will take into consideration any advice that is given to me. THANK YOU!

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi Mother

        I understand your situation as I have been in exactly your place. After much legal advice, court battles, and horrible accusations, I chose not to fight anymore. It was getting to messy and hard for the kids. So I made the hardest decision of my life, I let go. Within months the boys were happy again. I cried alot of my loss, but they were healthy, happy and well taken care of by their father, who loved/s them as much as I do. Im not saying that this is the option you should take, but that I did what I thought was best for my kids. Really sit down and look at the situation from the kids point of view. They are the #1 priority and always should be!! Even with all the bad talk about me, I never lost the kids.

        My advice to you is to think of the kids first and foremost!!
        Document everything that happens............and I mean everything. Get rid of that lawyer and get one that is going to listen to your concerns. NEVER ever disrespect their father, no matter how much you want to. Dont lower yourself.

        Dont dispair, it will work out.............good luck

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        • #5
          Thank you momymonkey for your advice. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who has experienced the same situation. I am trying and continue to do what is best for my children. I have lived my life for them and nothing more. Stayed in my marriage for their sake. I know that sounds pretty pathetic but it is the truth.
          Letting go of them is something I am not sure I can do. Letting them go would be letting myself go. I want nothing but their eternal happiness but at what cost?

          Comment


          • #6
            Hi Mother,

            I think I used the wrong wording "letting go". I never let go of the children I let go of primary custody.............. I never gave up on the kids nor did I ever not see them.

            Like yourself, I did everything with them. All school events, homework, sporting events etc. They were my life, thought I wasnt going to make it without them, but I did.

            It has been 6yrs since they lived with me and I have 2 that are on their own now, all grown up. They visit me when their schedules allow and they are great kids(adults).
            I still have 1 living with my ex and he is 13 and I have asked him to live with me, and he said he would, but he didnt want to give up his friends and school, so we work around it best we can. I got a webcam so I can help him over the computer with homework( in case he cant explain it he can show me) and I dont miss PT interviews or school events. Im still very much a part of his life, I just dont get to tuck him in at bedtime............. if he would let me.............LOL.

            You may be alot stonger than I was. I was in a horrible place when they went to live with their father. I couldnt feed them, heat the house, the pipes kept freezing so no water and the house was falling apart. I was working 2 jobs not making enough money. What was I to do............unfortuantly my ex had an agenda, he got me when I was down .............what goes around comes around and if you sit patiently, he will get what he gave.............

            Im sure with the right lawyer, you will do great!!

            Success is the best revenge!!!

            Comment


            • #7
              CTV News | W5 investigates: Children on the frontlines of divorce

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank You

                I have already watched this W5 episode. I found it to be very interesting actually. I am currently reading the book 'Tug of War' written by Judge Harvey Brownstone, who was featured in this W5 broadcast.
                It is too bad though that my ex never got a chance to watch this program, then he might (and I do stress "might") see what he has done to our children and is continuing to do.

                Comment

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