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Domestic Violence Dealing with abuse and violence. Getting support and help.

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  #1  
Old 12-24-2018, 01:57 PM
fairlight fairlight is offline
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Default Emotional abuse of children

Serious problem. Hard to prove. Long history of DV in our case, along with criminal charges, but I think it would be a bit of an uphill battle to restrict visitation long-term. Nor do I really want to - I just want his relationship with kids to be healthy. I read online that the court can order a parent to be of good behaviour toward the child/children and to refrain from denigrating the other parent. Is this done in Ontario? Thinking of asking for this as an alternative to fighting a long battle for supervised/restricted visits.
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  #2  
Old 12-24-2018, 02:37 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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How would you feel if your STBX did this to you?

Give your ex some space. Give your ex a chance to make his own decisions. LEARN how to communicate with each other respectfully.
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  #3  
Old 12-24-2018, 05:46 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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A court may be able to order it, but how would it be "policed". It would end up being a he said/she said battle.

DV charges always follow with a CAS investigation. Get a "position letter" from them for the courts. If they dont have a problem with your ex neither will the courts.

How long have you been separated? Your on disability, with young children and on a tight budget, it cant be easy for you. At least dont let him get away without his fair share of parenting.
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Old 12-24-2018, 06:01 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fairlight View Post
Serious problem. Hard to prove. Long history of DV in our case, along with criminal charges, but I think it would be a bit of an uphill battle to restrict visitation long-term. Nor do I really want to - I just want his relationship with kids to be healthy. I read online that the court can order a parent to be of good behaviour toward the child/children and to refrain from denigrating the other parent. Is this done in Ontario? Thinking of asking for this as an alternative to fighting a long battle for supervised/restricted visits.
was any of the violence against the kids or was it just against you? Has he been saying bad things about you to the kids? Did the DV start before or after you had kids?
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Old 12-26-2018, 10:17 AM
fairlight fairlight is offline
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kate331: It would be hard to enforce, yes, but may have the effect of motivating him to improve his behaviour, which is the whole point. He does have respect for the law, even if none for me and the kids.

standingonthesidelines: DV against everyone, beginning on the honeymoon.
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Old 12-26-2018, 11:01 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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IF there was an investigation AND a recommendation for supervised access then you MAY be able to argue for supervised access. Those are all maybes though as many judges now deal with false accusations and demands to restrict access. There have been a few dads on this forum who have had to fight false accusations for years.

Your ex may have been abusive towards you but not to the children which would be unfair to saddle him with restrictions when his problem was he couldnít deal with you. If he hasnít done anything to the kids then why limit his time? Not only is that unfair, it also creates unnecessary animosity.

You canít enforce an order to behave. The courts are full of cases where people arenít behaving or following an order. You also canít stop him from saying stuff about you. You just have to be the bigger person and let it go. You can also have the kids see a therapist so they understand what is right and wrong.
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Old 01-05-2019, 03:54 PM
first timer first timer is offline
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My agreement states those exact things about inappropriate behavior. It is meaningless, when you are dealing with an immature person. We also went to therapy when our son was 13 (he will be 18 in a month). It was our son who requested it through CHEO because he was having a very difficult time dealing with and I quote "all the hate at mom's house". Didn't make any difference at all with his mother's behavior towards me. It did help our son realize he has no control over how people behave and he cannot change how people behave. It also helped him learn coping techniques when he was/is in stressful situations. So it was very helpful for him and for me in a way. I finally had someone agree that it was not me that was the root of the problems because for a while I thought it was; that I was somehow doing or saying something that caused his mother to hate me so much. And I received some very sound advice from the therapist as well. But even with all of his advice, the only thing that did help was not engaging at all. I mean zero in the last almost 5 years unless it was absolutely necessary. And it has made a huge difference to my sanity (we exchange info using a calendar with an envelop attached for paperwork). Has anything changed at his mother's house, the answer is no, not at all. I am still to blame for everything and anything.

The only exception is with our daughter who is in her twenties now and just this past summer had enough of the lies her mother spoke about me and told her mother that she did not want to hear anymore of it and if she will not respect that, our daughter will not speak or spend anytime with her. This has curved her mother's behavior, at least around our daughter. So the only advice I can give is, the same advice I got years ago, which is to not engage in the same type of behavior ever, and I mean ever because your kids will figure out who their parents are for themselves and when they are old enough they will be the ones who will demand more appropriate behavior.

Yes I agree it is emotional abuse and yes our children are dealing with and will continue to deal with the affects of years of being told horrible lies. Our daughter went to therapy when she finished high school to deal with all the crap she had to endure in her childhood just so she could be a "happy person". She still cries when she talks about her childhood. But the reality was there was nothing I could do then or now when it comes to their mother's immature behavior. What I have done is be their rock, their support and the person they come to with everything because I behave maturely and reasonably.

Now there are people who would say, well you should have fought for sole custody and restricted their mother's access. I don't agree with taking this stance because they love their mother very much and that would have done more damage than good. I had 50/50 access with our children which meant that for half the time our children had a parent in their lives who was mature and reasonable, and used common sense and reacted appropriately. So they got to see both of their parents equally for who they were because you can only fake who you really are for so long before the real you will come out. So they also got to compare the two most influential people in their lives and see who was happy and who was miserable and why. So whether right or wrong I believe it was what was best for our kids given the circumstances.

Last edited by first timer; 01-05-2019 at 04:31 PM.
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Old 01-05-2019, 06:10 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Thanks for heartfelt post First Timer, I often wonder when my children are older how they will perceive their childhood. It's sad that your daughter cries over her memories.

How did you completely disengage and still co-parent with 50/50 and I assume Joint Custody?
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Old 01-05-2019, 09:45 PM
first timer first timer is offline
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How did you completely disengage and still co-parent with 50/50 and I assume Joint Custody?

We did not co-parent. We did parallel parenting with shared custody. We exchanged all education and medical/dental appointments via a calendar and any important information via email. When our children had health related appointments whichever parent, our children were with, was responsible for taking them; the other parent did not attend; same thing for dental, swimming lessons, dance lessons, etc. We attended parent-teacher interviews when needed separately. We did not sit together at school recitals or awards days or graduation. We split the costs and the package of school pictures. We split the costs of school fees, etc.

As they entered their teen years, this became even easier. Our kids kept us in the loop regarding any minor appointments/decisions. And we (the parents) kept each other in the loop regarding any major ones.

We lived within walking distance of each other and their schools so there was never any issue with the weekly transfers. Our kids just walked between the houses on Wed. after school and at 6 pm when school was out.

Were there times when I did not know about a medical appointment or dentist appointment? Of course there were. But it was for routine stuff like cleanings and wart treatments or flu shots. When it came to the more major stuff like orthodontics, wisdom teeth removal, etc. I was always in the know.

What I mean by this type of exchange without engagement, was just the facts and nothing more. We did not have discussions. If a decision needed to be made and our kids were with me, I made the decision and vice versa if they were with their mother. Our kids learned very young which parent to go to when it really mattered to them. It was not perfect by no means but you learn to not sweat the small stuff because it was small stuff.

I also learned to not beat myself up over the tears our kids have and will shed over their childhoods because I was not responsible for their mother's behavior nor could I change it. Instead I am there to wipe away their tears and let them know they are loved by both of us and we did the best we could.
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Old 01-07-2019, 10:44 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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First-timer- thank you so much for your candor and insight. Your posts have been very enlightening- especially to me that I'm in the really early stages of a similar situation. sometimes you just have to make the best of a really crappy situation.
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