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  • What would you do?

    what would you do if you discover that your spouse of 23years was consulting a divorce lawyer?
    would you ask questions and confront, or would you do the same?

  • #2
    Document everything and get a seperate bank account right away. Get any credit cards in both your names cancelled so that she cannot run up the bill and make you take half or more of it. How is the relationship otherwise? What are the details? I mean kids, house ownership, property and financials. All are important in how you should plan. You could offer therapy to her if you wish to keep the marriage. Depends on what you want really but protecting your finances would be a good first plan in my opinion.

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    • #3
      there is good rule what I am trying to follow.

      Before asking any questions make sure that you are ready to hear any answers, including those that do not want to hear.

      Helping me so far...

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      • #4
        Mouhajir:

        What would you do if you were standing in the middle of the road and a bus was headed right at you?

        You'd either get hit or you'd do what you can do to avoid the bus.

        A lot of married people having relationship issues seek legal consultation. I wouldn't necessarily take it as an absolute that your marriage is over but it is a strong warning sign. I would absolutely talk to her/him about it...not accuse, or blame, or fight. But if you care about your spouse and want to save your marriage, I would sit down with her/him and start trying to figure out what's going on and what you can do to fix it. Its definitely not something you should ignore. What is the benefit to ignore it?

        Based on that discussion, you'll know whether or not you need to start taking action and seeking legal counsel.

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        • #5
          I would choose option C. Both your options sound like fighting fire with fire, and anyone here would tell you that's the sure path to breakup and giving lawyers all your money.

          First, figure out what you want. Only you know your relationship satisfaction. Have you grown apart, is there lack of communication, etc? Do you want to try to keep the marriage, or are you okay with letting go and being single? If you want to keep the marriage, don't be confrontational, just admit to your spouse that you think the marriage is stagnating and needs work and suggest counselling or something to regain the lost spark. Maybe your spouse is feeling something you haven't noticed, but use this discovery as the excuse to explore it. Who knows, your spouse may be thrilled to hear you're perceptive enough to have noticed their feelings. Never mind how you noticed.

          Or, if you're thinking divorce is better, do the same in reverse. Say you've noticed things have grown cold, and maybe it's wiser to mutually split. Do the research and the preparation sure, but starting off being collaborative and cooperative about it instead of confrontational will go a tremendously long long way to saving money and ending things amicably.

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          • #6
            I would begin to cover my ass - pronto.

            Start untangling financials, begin to document everything... pretty much what fireweb suggested.

            If you "found out" that (s)he is consulting a lawyer, chances are that confrontation about it would get crazy in a hurry - you "finding out" implies spying or disloyal friends or something. People who get caught while trying to be secretive get reallllllllllllllly pissed off: My advice would be to sit back and wait to be informed.

            Failing that, you could always ask your spouse if (s)he's happy and see where the conversation goes....

            Cheers!

            Gary

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            • #7
              I'd sell off all the family assets and spend it all in a hotel on hookers and blow.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Mess View Post
                I'd sell off all the family assets and spend it all in a hotel on hookers and blow.
                Ya, I tried that (on DTTE's advice) when the world was supposed to end a couple of months back. Bad idea....

                Cheers!

                Gary

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                • #9
                  Thank you all, my marriage is (what it seems) falling apart, we have good day we have bad day, no cheating or abuse happening, we have grown apart I guess.
                  by discovering that she has consulted a lawyer (few sessions), and had spoken to our banker, just elevated my alarm.
                  she is followed by a therapist for personal problem (not willing to disclose in this forum).
                  i know we are both unhappy..
                  I think also, I am ready do to the same,meaning consult any suggestion on a good descent counselor in Ottawa. please PM me. thanks.

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                  • #10
                    Serious instead of flippant, you need to start going over your financial affairs.

                    It's not fair in the least to cut your wife out of your finances, but you do need to address any joint accounts and joint debt.

                    Joint line of credit or credit cards need to be frozen. Joint accounts to pay for things like the mortgage and insurance are fine, but they need to be money in/money out, don't leave large sums sitting in them. Put in enough to cover payments a few days before a payment is due.

                    Address the situation with any cars you own. Who's name is the car ownership. Check with the insurance agent and prepare to have the insurance split up into two separate policies.

                    You don't have to completely sever everything right now, but be aware of what you have so that if and when the time comes you can make necessary changes with a few phone calls.

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                    • #11
                      Get a job that pays cash and no paper trail.

                      Comment

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