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Your BEST tip for dealing with high conflict ex or coparent

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  • Your BEST tip for dealing with high conflict ex or coparent

    If you are forced to deal with high conflict what is your best tip that has worked for you to calm, diffuse or just help you manage stress and be a better parent in spite of the conflict?

    Like many men I tend to react quickly and have worked on being aware of the bio-feedback when the adrenaline kicks in and my mouth listens to my amygdala. Great when you are getting mugged in an alley, not great when you are confronted by your ex and worse if the kids are present. I am learning , slowly, but learning.

    Me first.

    The Buddha was known for being a calm and practical person. he would go the market each day and one of the vendors would always yell at him and insult him. Buddha would not respond. Finally the vendor confronted Buddha and got in his face asking why don't you react to me Buddha, are you better than me?
    Buddha asked the vendor. If I offer you a gift and you accept the gift who does the gift belong to?
    The vendor said well of course it would belong to me Buddha you idiot!
    And if you refuse the gift who does it belong to?
    Well it would still be yours Buddha you moron.
    So if you offer me abuse and I do not choose to listen or accept your words who does the abuse belong to?

    Do I take this advice? As often as I possibly can. It ain't easy. It takes awareness and the skill of taking the time to reflect before reacting.

    Be well, don't take the gifts unless YOU decide that YOU want them.

    Please share your practical tips and thank you.

  • #2
    It is near impossible to co-parent with a HC ex. Here’s what I don

    1. Make sure you have a very detailed separation plan and be committed to following it closely and enforcing the plan in return - execute it as exactly as possible to minimize conflict

    2. Have a dispute resolution clause in your agreement with co-pay agreement so that if a scenario arises that is not documented in your agreement you go back to mediation for documentation (I budget at least $1k/quarter for this)

    3. Ensure that every conversation is sent via email (this should be in your agreement) and wait at least one day before responding - respond with only facts and as though you were responding to a boss/client etc.

    Hoping to co parent in a high conflict relationship is a pipe dream , my suggestion is to use a high level of control through legal means to keep the peace.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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    • #3
      Enforcement of clauses other than financial are huge issues for many.

      Please describe how you can enforce a HCEX when that breach clear agreement terms:

      Making unilateral decisions such a changing religion
      Keeping kids from scheduled access
      Enrolling kids in activities that require mutual consent and then demanding payment and participation on other parents time
      Refuses to mediate unless you pay despite clear sharing in agreement
      Takes kids to social workers without consent
      Fails to inform of medical appointments or changes them without consent

      Enforcement is the most problematic issue
      Lawyers are helpless.
      Courts take forever and are stupid expensive for nothing in the end.
      Good faith and reasonable are ambiguous terms.
      Last edited by Abba435; 05-12-2020, 10:23 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Abba435

        First and foremost, you can not change or control your ex or what they do or do not do on their parenting time. Save yourself a lot of stress and don’t even bother trying. Concentrate on the things you do have control over such as what you do, how you react and your perception.

        In regards to your complaints of your ex changing the children’s religion.
        Answer: practice your religion of choice on your parenting time

        In regards to ex enrolling them in activities without your consent and asking you to pay.
        Answer: don’t pay
        You can reply “I will pay for my share of mutually discussed and agreed upon activities unfortunately that’s not the case with this activity so you’ll have to pay for it yourself “

        Taking kids to social worker without your consent.
        Answer: if it’s on their parenting time and they pay for it then who cares. They can do whatever they want on their parenting time. Is it going to harm the kids? No, then leave it alone.

        Your ex fails to inform you of medical appointments and changes them.
        Answer: speak to the medical office. Ask to be informed of all medical appointments and changes. Explain you have joint custody and you trust them to give you this information.

        You should document everything And do a costs/benefit analysis. Does your ex’s behaviour harm the kids or interfere with your parenting time or decision making? If yes, is it worth the legal fees and stress to go back to court? What kind of an order can you expect if you do go to court?

        Ultimately you should remember that you can not control or change your ex’s behaviour or what they do on their parenting time.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
          Enforcement of clauses other than financial are huge issues for many.
          Please describe how you can enforce a HCEX in:
          Making unilateral decisions such a changing religion
          Keeping kids from scheduled access
          Enrolling kids in activities that require mutual consent and then demanding payment and participation on other parents time
          Refuses to mediate unless you pay despite clear sharing in agreement
          Takes kids to social workers without consent
          Fails to inform of medical appointments or changes them without consent

          Enforcement is the most problematic issue
          Good faith and reasonable are ambiguous

          If all the above is documented in your decree and the HCEX is in violation, and has declined mediation, I would be filing contempt and representing myself. If the facts show a clear violation of the court order, be patient/calm and work with the court system.

          I have treated every violation with a system approach and have removed emotion from my dealings with my HCEX. If he violates and doesn’t seek to correct I follow the same steps every time without fault and the key to all this is following the steps below -

          1. I communicate the violation and provide reference to section of decree violated
          2. I Don’t take feedback or strikes back personally, I respect the PAUSE and answer with full control when I am ready
          3. I Ask how I can help correct violation and offer mediation (obtain acknowledgement of the court order and the section in violation)
          4. If above is complete and have not received resolution, I file contempt without delay (and I always represent myself)

          The key to all this is saving/budgeting for mediation and court even in good times. I’ve had peace for 3 years but still put $250 away every month just in case and trust me $250 is almost 10% of my salary so it’s meaningful to me.

          I will never be held ransom by my HCEX bc I can’t afford to fight for what I think is right for my children.





          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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          • #6
            Me, I switched my thinking/perspective on this. I turned my train of thought into "this is a business deal". I ignored all negative comments and focused on the business at hand. I wrote as if I was writing to a judge, and completely left all emotion on the floor.

            Yeah, my current wife has had to deal with my frustration with my ex and she allows me to vent. But I get it out there to someone who is supportive, and never back at the ex. My ex feeds off of drama. So I starve the beast.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mom2414 View Post
              If all the above is documented in your decree and the HCEX is in violation, and has declined mediation, I would be filing contempt and representing myself. If the facts show a clear violation of the court order, be patient/calm and work with the court system.
              What is the resolution you hope to gain in court by filing for contempt when it deals with non-financial matters that cannot be enforced by a judge? Unless it deals with finances (such as ex not paying supports) and you are asking for a judge to enforce payment, there is not much a judge can do.

              If you go to court and point out that Ex has not adhered to Clause #9 of your agreement 15 times in the last 2 years, the judge will ask what exactly you are asking out of the judge. The judge cannot order for a new brain to be implanted into your Ex. If anything, you may look bad in front of the judge for documenting petty matters over a 2 year period rather than being the bigger person.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
                What is the resolution you hope to gain in court by filing for contempt when it deals with non-financial matters that cannot be enforced by a judge? Unless it deals with finances (such as ex not paying supports) and you are asking for a judge to enforce payment, there is not much a judge can do.

                If you go to court and point out that Ex has not adhered to Clause #9 of your agreement 15 times in the last 2 years, the judge will ask what exactly you are asking out of the judge. The judge cannot order for a new brain to be implanted into your Ex. If anything, you may look bad in front of the judge for documenting petty matters over a 2 year period rather than being the bigger person.
                Question:
                Have there been decisions ordering appointment of a Parenting Coordinator with binding authority?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                  Me, I switched my thinking/perspective on this. I turned my train of thought into "this is a business deal". I ignored all negative comments and focused on the business at hand. I wrote as if I was writing to a judge, and completely left all emotion on the floor.

                  Yeah, my current wife has had to deal with my frustration with my ex and she allows me to vent. But I get it out there to someone who is supportive, and never back at the ex. My ex feeds off of drama. So I starve the beast.
                  Starve the beast is added to the top 10 great ideas.
                  Treat it like a business deal also.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                    Starve the beast is added to the top 10 great ideas.
                    Treat it like a business deal also.
                    Thanks.

                    I found my emotions were getting the ahead of my better judgment. Once I took the emotion out of the equation it was much easier to focus on what I needed to do, and allowed me to see clearer on my ex and her intentions. Facts are what is important. Or as the kids would say "reals over feels".

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      There is a very fine line between emotion and judgement
                      Sadly the legal system is kind of oblivious
                      This is not civil litigation about a paving contract
                      Wrong tool for helping families and kids

                      Maybe a top ten will inspire someone to quench the emotion

                      For me I tried hard never to take the bait . Sometimes I just had to.

                      If someone has not lived this directly personally and recently impossible to really understand.

                      Top 10 in process
                      “Don’t take the bait” is added
                      “Is this a hill you want to die on” as well (rockscan gem).
                      Visualize the HCEX as Super Mario/ Maria

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
                        Top 10 in process
                        “Don’t take the bait” is added
                        “Is this a hill you want to die on” as well (rockscan gem).
                        Visualize the HCEX as Super Mario/ Maria
                        Add: "Treat all written correspondence (email/text) as though it will be read by a judge, because it eventually will"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Your BEST tip for dealing with high conflict ex or coparent

                          Originally posted by Mom2414 View Post
                          I would be filing contempt and representing myself. If the facts show a clear violation of the court order, be patient/calm and work with the court system.
                          Contempt is a mountain that many fail to conquer. Even if you file a motion and self rep for contempt, the likelihood of succeeding is slim. To anyone reading this and seeing this as an option, educate yourself. Sometimes the court system is not a solution and if you lose you could end up paying your ex’s legal costs. Mediation is an option but both parties have to be willing and pay to play. Parenting coordinators have been found to be helpful in some cases. My caveat is more to warn that contempt is normally used for custody and financial matters and is rarely successful.

                          Note too that agreements are great in the beginning but things change as life goes on. Kids like different activities, other opportunities come up, families change and see different growth etc. You will outgrow some aspects of your agreement and both parties need to be flexible. An example would be one parent saying kid wants to play soccer instead of hockey and I will cover the extra fees this year, will you allow this change knowing there is no financial impact to you. Some parents (including non high conflict) tend to get enmeshed in the agreements and aren’t able to deviate without mediation or court intervention. This results in a high conflict situation.

                          Stillbreathing had a great response on another thread regarding what happens on your time vs. their time. Some parents become high conflict by trying to make the other parent do what they think best on their time. You don’t get a say so stop worrying. Parenting decisions on individual times is a

                          Hammerdad has a lot of experience with a terribly high conflict ex. His approach and advice is stellar.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Three contempt motions won and not financially driven. Custody Schedules, health, education, name changes and religion are real family court matters.


                            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Interesting, what did they involve?

                              Comment

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