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  • lies of sexual abuse

    So my ex is now fabricating lies that she had to tolerate years of physical abuse while in my company. This seems to be done to 'defend her point' of having to quit her job (5 years after the separation) and stay at home full time.

    I've already told my lawyer that I demand those lies (there was never any abuse to her, no investigations, no charges, nothing) be taken off the documents if I'm going to entertain any other points on there - but no response on that.

    Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with an ex when she's lying and manipulative? Is the family law system as one sided as it's getting to seem? It's like whatever she says or requests, it's being listened to and demanded of me. Court is coming up in the new year, but her latest demands are a far cry from what she started out with in the original court application.

    Oh, and can she have my passport nullified? She's also saying to her lawyer that I've been talking about 'fleeing the country'... that seemed to manifest itself shortly after I indicated "I'll be away on vacation for two weeks in March".

    thanks for any help!

  • #2
    Judges can quite ably see through the pack of lies. Anything coming in without corroborating evidence is generally disregarded. So don't get the knickers in a knot. Divorce is dirty business. People lie about each other frequently.

    No she cannot have your passport "nullified."

    Don't give your ex more power than she has. You are best to discontinue communicating with her.

    I certainly wouldn't recommend any sort of "tit for tat" response on your part. Hopefully your lawyer has good client control and can direct you to prepare and swear thoughtful and accurate affidavits.

    You might find this an interesting read:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/12...canada-alberta
    Last edited by arabian; 12-16-2013, 05:46 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by mcr View Post
      So my ex is now fabricating lies that she had to tolerate years of physical abuse while in my company. This seems to be done to 'defend her point' of having to quit her job (5 years after the separation) and stay at home full time.

      I've already told my lawyer that I demand those lies (there was never any abuse to her, no investigations, no charges, nothing) be taken off the documents if I'm going to entertain any other points on there - but no response on that.

      Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with an ex when she's lying and manipulative? Is the family law system as one sided as it's getting to seem? It's like whatever she says or requests, it's being listened to and demanded of me. Court is coming up in the new year, but her latest demands are a far cry from what she started out with in the original court application.

      Oh, and can she have my passport nullified? She's also saying to her lawyer that I've been talking about 'fleeing the country'... that seemed to manifest itself shortly after I indicated "I'll be away on vacation for two weeks in March".

      thanks for any help!
      I managed to avoid court, but I did deal with someone who lied and manipulated in the process to get a SA.

      Don't get sidetracked. It can be a tactic to get you to focus on irrelevant issues. The onus of proof regarding abuse would be on her. The judge would be looking for police reports, doctors assessment's, affadavits from crisis counsellors - not just her word. She and her lawyer may know it won't stick, but they throw it in anyway to uspet you and get you off of the real issues.

      Stick to email, stick to the issue at hand, don't argue, don't even discuss issues that are not important to the court.

      Make an offer to settle, something reasonable. If she responds by email, keep that for court. Show that you have made an effort to be reasonable and avoid court.

      Comment


      • #4
        My ex joined a victim's group for "survivors of domestic abuse". I'm not quite certain who else she was married to, because I don't remember any abuse.

        I do maybe being angry when confronting her about lying to me, and I remember being unhappy being the only one trying to put in effort to try and save our marriage. I even remember thinking that maybe I should take control of our family finances back because I was starting to find her behaviour suspicious and deceitful. I do wish I had gone with that instinct before she stole everything that was joint...

        So I'm a victim of lies, deceit and theft by an intimate partner. But apparently she's the one who is a victim of abuse...

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        • #5
          hmm when I was being abused I worked all the hours I could to be out of the house and away from him.

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          • #6
            Part of the problem, though, is that each and every 'distraction' her & her lawyer throw at me costs me from $250-$1000 in extra fees going to my lawyer.

            I'm obviously seeking costs, but since she's quit her job, she has no income so I have no idea what will happen to 'costs'. She's living off her most recent husband and has lied to her parents and essentially has a blank cheque for her lawyer to stir this up.

            Comment


            • #7
              You can instruct your lawyer to only respond to her lawyer:

              1. With your written approval and,
              2. To motions filed in the courthouse.

              She is likely just trying to run up your legal bill. This tactic is not uncommon.

              Comment


              • #8
                send a one liner response.

                "all of allegations of abuse are false and unfounded the respondent puts the applicant to strict burden of proof."

                Comment


                • #9
                  @ Arabian... not all Judges can see through lies. In fact some may side with the lies. for example in my case,, my ex told the judge that our son told her that his dad had told him, that she bribed the judge and that is why she has got her way. I had to listen to a 15 minute speech from the Judge who was irate. When he did give me a chance to talk, I said Y.H how do we actually know if the boy said that, the judge said, what do you mean, its in the applicants affidavit. Like no one ever lies in their affidavits. When I asked my son about this, he said I told mom, that only because she had money she has managed to get so much done.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It seems to me that both you and your ex have dragged your son into your divorce affairs. The judge would be quite right to be upset.


                    For shame. Kid should have been in summer camp not dealing with parents divorce heresay evidence.
                    Last edited by arabian; 12-17-2013, 04:19 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mcr View Post
                      Part of the problem, though, is that each and every 'distraction' her & her lawyer throw at me costs me from $250-$1000 in extra fees going to my lawyer.
                      1. Stop sending useless letters.

                      2. Have your lawyer notify them that you blanket deny any allegation.

                      3. Have your lawyer remind them of Shaw v. Shaw (in particular the wise words of the justice in paragraph 8) Quote them right in the letter in response.

                      4. Make an offer to settle and to have a Section 30 Custody and Access evaluator become involved to assess the allegations. Specifically the allegations and the report they produce should be specifically a clinical investigation and require psychological evaluations of both parties. (That usually ends the false allegations.)

                      5. Attach this article to your last (and detailed) response letter.

                      6. Write the letter in affidavit format. In fact, if you can, just respond with an affidavit and attach it to a letter. Ask that the allegations by the other party that are being made in a letter be made on record and sworn to the truth to an affidavit to demonstrate they are not a negotiating tactic. Negative advocate solicitors HATE when you make them put things on the record.

                      7. Attach this article from this thread and specifically state:

                      A theatrical, fractious, belligerent attitude or a gross exaggeration of facts, serves no one’s interests.
                      http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...-advice-16754/

                      8. Google the other lawyer's name in full. Then go to CanLII and go to your province and search for the lawyer's name again. Read every posting to CanLII this lawyer is attached to. All lawyers have a pattern of behaviour and it can easily be discovered in the public records on CanLII. If you see one that sounds similar to yours go and have the FULL FILE pulled. Generally false allegations are all the same on these negative advocate layers files. They use a generic template and affidavits often for the first 20 paragraphs are all the same generic "Lundy Bancroft" nonsense. If this is the case... fire back the affidavit and note the uncanny similarity on both files... This really really really shuts down negative advocate solicitors.

                      9. Read my main thread postings on this site. I have posted a lot on this subject and how to deal with negative advocate solicitors who will project every allegation their client makes as truthful...

                      Good Luck!
                      Tayken

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Your contribution on this topic is much appreciated, Tayken.

                        False allegations of abuse are among the most ugly battle weapons yielded in the divorce arena.

                        Twice I have faced DV allegations, and got through that.

                        I have been sorting through 1000+ pages of CAS disclosure, all relating to false allegations of abuse over the last number of years. At least 15 calls, 6 formal investigations, all not verified. Some instances were bizarre that they called. Like a few mosquito bites, or a diaper rash. Especially when the kids had been to the doctor while together for the same issues.

                        I have systematically sorted through the allegations and statements, to unveil the patterns of the accuser, the escalating nature of the allegations, timing of allegations relating to family court matters, the accuser's obsession with events in my personal life, etc. They have used cas and police as their therapist and attempted to turn these agencies into advocates on their behalf.

                        Once these patterns start to become evident, then one starts to feel some hope in being able to fight them. It is important, if you can, to show the co-relation of the accusations to events in court, your personal life changes (new spouse, home, child, job, etc). Show they had motive to make the allegation.

                        And don't be afraid to stand up the other party's lawyer - they will more likely than not try to intimidate you. They will try to railroad you in court, maybe even lie directly to the judge - be prepared, and if you have a lawyer, make sure they are ready for it. In my situation, against a combative lawyer bent for trial, I had two videos of me picking up the children for access visits, and the ex made serious accusations towards me about these two times. I sent them to their lawyer, along with an offer to settle, a week prior to trial. They settled - 75% of their case and affidavits were undermined by these videos.

                        Unfortunately, that didn't stop the problem of the ex making these allegations. Which is why I am pursuing the change of custody now.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I read through your post, and the wisdom of Tayken still rings as true today as it did for me two years ago. Sad my ex is no different - her fantasies just grow and evolve (she changes her stories as the police or the courts "put her into her corner". Sad is she just comes up with new crap but I actually think the police here have figured things out - the family court judges have made some really strong comments as well. They are just not buying it anymore - at least I hope it will end soon enough. The last assessment made in my case was maybe three or four weeks ago - what the psychologists had to say I will admit disturbs me - but as they said, do my best to survive this and regardless of what has transpired the last couple of years, to be there for my kids when their time comes.


                          So as hard as it is or can be..... do your best to stay the high road, control your costs and you will get through this.

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