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Old 09-27-2010, 04:53 PM
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J_Kitchener2010 J_Kitchener2010 is offline
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Default Divorced Dad with Custody

Hello - I am new here. I started off by posting a question ( and the response was overwhelmingly helpful. I decided to post an introduction here just to say hello and also in the event that there may be people with similar stories out there.

I am a 32 year old father of four boys (9, 7, 3 & 1 week old). My two older boys are from a previous marriage but have lived with me for 3 years now. My ex has access every other weekend and 2 nights per week, although she does not use her weekly access because she has no car and no driver's license. She lost her license for DUI back in 2006 and has yet to get it back.

My ex initially had primary residential custody when we separated - as the mother usually does. I also let her stay in the matrimonial home with her new boyfriend. In 2006 she was arrested for domestic assault against the boyfriend whilst the kids were asleep upstairs. I foolishly believed her story that she would go to anger management classes and that this was a one time incident. She got the charges dropped because this was her first offence and she batted her pretty eyelids to the judge who felt sorry for her.

She and her boyfriend continued to party hard and I was always being asked to take the kids for longer, sometimes a week at a time, while she and her boyfriend extended their weekends away at his cottage. Of course this was never a problem for me. In 2006 he was arrested for domestic assault against her (again while the kids were sleeping upstairs). She sent me pictures of the injuries she sustained and they were quite brutal. She swore to me he was out of her life forever and that she wouldn't even bail him out of jail. She also told me about other terrible incidents that we were never aware of. Thank goodness my kids never witnessed anything directly.

I watched the situation closely and sure enough, one of my kids let slip that the boyfriend was back on the scene but that they were told to keep it a secret. After seeing the photos and hearing her stories I was mortified and witheld access immediately. I notified her in writing and went straight to court for an emergency motion to get temporary custody of the kids. After three court dates and a long motion, the judge granted my request.

The judge also ruled that the boyfriend was never to be present on the weekends that my ex had the kids. This made her life hell I guess because she couldn't be with him during those times but it didn't stop her sneaking him in when the kids were in bed. Since then her only mission was to allow the guy back into her life and have it so that he was allowed to be around them.

The OCL got involved and saw right through this. She was obviously choosing this nutcase over her kids and they recommended I get sole custody.

In the meantime, we were arguing back and forth about two major things:

1) She wanted my half of the house claiming that she had done a ton of rennovations. The value had increased significantly and she did not want to lose sight of my half of the money. Plus she was into her lawyer for serious coin. He did not want to let my half go either.

2) She wanted the kids back and she was adament she wanted her boyfriend to be allowed to be around them.

I held off on both and we were literally weeks away from trial. Her lawyer vowed to have us there for 17 days of trial which none of us could afford. He knew this was his only shot at forcing a settlement because he knew he'd lose.

She proposed to me that I keep primary custody of the kids in return for me giving her my half of the house. 80k worth. I didn't care about the money - just the kids. Her motivation is quite apparent however. Money over kids. I also waived the right to child support (even though it is not my right). She is on welfare so the courts agreed to no CS.

As far as the boyfriend was concerned I agreed to let him be around my kids provided he show me proof of weekly attendance to counselling as well as undergo random drug and alcohol testing. The never provided this and I was already preparing to take them back to court.

They ended up breaking up 6 months later. Her two years of fighting were all for nothing. If only she had stepped back and realized the courts would have granted her custody back had she just told them she would no longer see this clown. Either way it is far better for my kids that it ended up this way.

Anyway, 3 years later, I still have primary custody and she sees them every other weekend only. I have since had two more sons who know no other life than having their brothers present. There is a bond there now and like it or not a status quo. She has so far chosen not to exercise her right to weekly access using the excuse of not having a license.

One of the clauses of our court order is that transportation on weekends is split 50 /50 however weekly access is her responsibility. I live in Kitchener and she lives in Mississauga.

The problem now is that she is flat broke and knows I earn quite a decent paycheck. All she can think about it is getting primary residential custody back and collecting a fat support cheque every month. She has two kids from a previous marriage as well and the four support cheques combined would mean she would never have to work again.

I am being told the liklihood of her getting the kids back is slim. Especially considering that she cannot drive anywhere or live up to her responsibilities to see her kids during the week. During the weekends she forces me to do her share of transportation. That and the fact that there is now a status quo with me and a bond between the kids and their baby brothers I hope will keep things the way they are. Not to mention the love and stability of my home and our family.

It is a daily struggle though and she continues to try and alienate the kids and poison their minds, telling them I won't let them see her and I took them away etc.

Anyway that is it... long story I know but hoping some of you have been there and have any tips.

James from Kitchener.
Old 09-27-2010, 08:32 PM
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