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  #21  
Old 10-21-2013, 07:18 AM
Mother Mother is offline
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Stripes, can you please clarify why do you check his fb? Are you still friends with him there?
  #22  
Old 10-21-2013, 09:59 AM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
they're both agreeable to it then it shouldn't be a big deal. But the gf doesn't want to, nor is she obligated to.

I hope the ex doesn't think she can approve or disapprove of the gf being in the kids' lives? Not sure what she feels meeting the gf will accomplish, especially if she decides she doesn't like the gf....does she thinks she can ban her from your and their lives?
Agreed but I think a planned meeting would be awkward. It implies that the ex is approving of the new partner which isn't a requirement. I think its always comforting to meet the people your children are spending a lot of time around and looking up to as potential adult role models.

I've met and spoken at length to my new partner's ex-wife a few times at family events for their kids that I've had to attend and it was pleasant and she was very gracious. But I would never meet her one-on-one for a planned get together.
  #23  
Old 10-21-2013, 10:12 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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My ex had thanksgiving dinner with her fiance and his ex (and my kids and their kids). And it slipped out that they were engaged (his ex hadn't known). And it still seemed to have gone ok. But I will pass thanks..My ex has made a scene with a previous GF, I am not going to let her have another chance.

I've shaken hands with my GF's ex, but have no desire to have a long conversation.
  #24  
Old 10-21-2013, 10:22 AM
smileandwalkaway smileandwalkaway is offline
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It is the secrets and putting the kids in the middle if those secrets which bother me. Example: It is never good to tell your kids that you are engaged to be married but in the same breathe tell them not to say a word to the other parent.
  #25  
Old 10-21-2013, 10:29 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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Originally Posted by smileandwalkaway View Post
It is the secrets and putting the kids in the middle if those secrets which bother me. Example: It is never good to tell your kids that you are engaged to be married but in the same breathe tell them not to say a word to the other parent.
Its a very difficult line at times.

I've been open with my kids. I fully expect that they will share anything that I say with their mom.

My GF on the other hand, was married to someone with severe mental illness problems that at times cause abuse to occur. That and her kids are younger than mine meant that for months we kept the relationship secret. In the summer while they knew we were good friends(I and my kids stayed weekends at their cottage), we didn't discuss the nature of the relationship, we didn't hold hands etc. in front of them. It has only been recently that we have "come out" so to speak, and we have been seeing each other for 8 months.

We have never told her kids to lie, but they have not shared the fact that their mother has a close male friend with their father. Most of our dates happen during their time with their dad.
  #26  
Old 10-21-2013, 10:39 AM
smileandwalkaway smileandwalkaway is offline
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I see no problem with that. My only point is that if/when you are in a relationship you deem serious enough to bring your kids into then it should also not be kept an intentional secret from the other parent. You are either in or out in the relationship.
  #27  
Old 10-21-2013, 10:57 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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Originally Posted by smileandwalkaway View Post
I see no problem with that. My only point is that if/when you are in a relationship you deem serious enough to bring your kids into then it should also not be kept an intentional secret from the other parent. You are either in or out in the relationship.
In my GF's case, it isn't a matter of being in or out that is the issue, its a matter of causing a psychotic break that could be harmful to all involved. She did recently find a way to tell him that worked, but she has to walk on eggshells around him.
  #28  
Old 10-21-2013, 11:07 AM
stripes stripes is offline
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Originally Posted by Mother View Post
Stripes, can you please clarify why do you check his fb? Are you still friends with him there?

Sorry to be unclear - no, we aren't Facebook friends. Someone who is FB friends with his girlfriend told me she had posted details of meeting my daughter and how happy she was about her new future - I checked this (the gf had everything public on her page), so that's how I figured it out. Perhaps a bit creeper-ish on my part, but I really didn't want to interrogate D8 about it.

What did people do for drama before Facebook was invented??
  #29  
Old 10-21-2013, 11:15 AM
DowntroddenDad DowntroddenDad is offline
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Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Sorry to be unclear - no, we aren't Facebook friends. Someone who is FB friends with his girlfriend told me she had posted details of meeting my daughter and how happy she was about her new future - I checked this (the gf had everything public on her page), so that's how I figured it out. Perhaps a bit creeper-ish on my part, but I really didn't want to interrogate D8 about it.

What did people do for drama before Facebook was invented??
This is the challenge with how you set up FB security. If you use friends only, you limit the abiltiy of others to see your stuff, but you limit making new friends from your friends of friends.

Me, I assume my ex has full access to my timeline because my daughters live with her, and she could use their logon when they aren't busy. My GF does have her ex on FB so they can share pictures, but now he can see her relationship status.

I never post anything I would be ashamed to be seen on the front page of the newspaper. So I'm good.
  #30  
Old 10-21-2013, 02:35 PM
Serene Serene is offline
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I think this is all over rated. Who the hell cares if the new girlfriend meets the mother of the kids. What is meeting them going to prove and tell the other? Okay, the girlfriend has black hair, wears Lulu Lemon and doesn't file her nails right... the mother is a teeny bit overweight, gets professional highlights and her shoes are cheap or expensive...that is what these little meetings really are about - they give ammunition. Let the women work it out themselves IF at all... it is their choice. They opted into a relationship with their partner and his children, they didn't opt into it with their ex.

Now some of us can have a relationship with the ex. I do - she curses at me regularly lol. I'd like to think she is drunk as heck when she sends me her rants, but no, she is stone cold sober I'm told...

I've even offered to meet with her. She prefers to hide behind her emails. Fine. I don't respond to her emails for the most part because they are useless and normally about my private life and I don't want to invite her in. I have set boundaries although several years later she still refuses to abide or even acknowledge them. So be it. I still ignore them.

So, the moral of my story is, I do believe this is about control. I am a mother. I am a stepmother. If I want to meet someone I will extend that invitation to that person myself. The only reason I extended an invite to my partner's ex is that she continuously emailed me many, many, many times a day and a week. I figured she must want a relationship with me otherwise she wouldn't be doing this. She then told me that she had to see that her ex had changed before she would ever meet with me. So here we are several years later and we have spoken only twice ever despite a hundred times or more having had the opportunity to speak. So you see, at least in my case, this IS about control. She wasn't really interested in talking to me, or getting to know me (although she asked her ex many times to meet me). This was about controlling my and my partner's time through emails, and about peaking into our private lives.
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