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    My wife i separated and my 15 yrs old moved in with me , my x said he must come back home but he does not want to, and i was told it was the legal age of 12 when i child can choose. The issue i ave is that my 11yr old son does not want to be with mom either and i know that he has no choice. My x thinks I am brainwashing the kids which I'm not there just closer to me while the other two kids rather be home with mom there is a total of four children .What can i do and what options do i have?

  • #2
    There's a gradient to it, not just a black and white legal age. Around 12, and depending on the maturity of the child, a judge would take into serious consideration their opinion on the matter. And a few years later, such as your oldest at 15, once they are capable of just running away from one parent and going back to the other, there's not much stopping them, not even a judge, from being with the parent they prefer.

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    • #3
      There is absolutely no reason why the children should be with the mother and not you, any more than with you and not the mother. She doesn't have any automatic rights.

      If the 11 year old wants to be with you, at the very least you should have him 3-4 days a week. Tell the mum that you will work out a schedule that is roughly half and half, then pick the child up after school on your days so that there is no funny business. You can't block the mum out entirely, nor should you want to, but you want to keep the child happy.

      I take it the other two children are younger, but they should really be with you as well half the time. You need to settle this quickly and talk with the children and stress that both parents love them and want to be with them, they are not losing either of you.

      The mother is very much feeling threatened, but certainly has no automatic right to just keep the children. You need to come across as reasonable and work out a fair schedule.

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      • #4
        its just so hard my 11yr old also known as my side kick as per my family friends mention he wants to live with me but still loves his mom and wants to visit, which i would never forbid . I plan to see a lawyer and see if it was possible. Also my x thinks I'm brain washing my 15 yr into living with me, i offer to take him to a child lawyer and get the honest truth so she can see its not me and i told my son if you are not happy you have the option to leave and don't worry about me .He just says he is happy with me.

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        • #5
          Look I don't want to be mean and I know this is new to you but do I need to beat this into your head?

          "Is it possible?" You and your ex are equal AT THE MOMENT. If you sit on your ass and let her keep the kids, she gets STATUS QUO in the eyes of the courts and you will lose custody.

          Your kids have a right to have an equal relationship with each parent.

          You absolutely can have the kids live with you if THEY choose, what on earth will your ex do about it? She has no more right to have them live with them. YOU ARE THEIR PARENT TOO, JUST THE SAME AS HER.

          While I don't want to encourage you to get into a custody battle and it is better for the kids if you and the ex are amicable, IF YOU ARE A WUS AND LET HER WALK ALL OVER YOU, especially if it is just so she maximizes child support, THIS HURTS YOUR CHILDREN.

          YOU DO NOT NEED A LAWYER'S PERMISSION TO HAVE YOUR KIDS LIVE WITH YOU BUT IF YOU DO NOTHING YOU WILL LOSE THEM.

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          • #6
            I do have a lawyers appointment on Thursday , what about spit custody , everybody kids will choose side unfortunately but my eldest here and my 11yr wants be with me also , the other two who are 13yrs old who doesn't want to upset the his mom and the other 11yr old he is happy go lucky . What i read in a column courts don't like splitting up the children but if its in the child's free will, will they look into a split custody . Also and how does that effect support .. I apologize for asking just need to know where i stand before i meet with a lawyer

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            • #7
              Get creative. See if you can come up with some proposals that have the children's wishes respected, but gives them good interaction time with both parents and one another. Try to look at their original routine and just extend it a bit. Did all the boys go to each other's sporting events? See if that can be continued so that no matter where they sleep, they still have that time together.

              The most important thing in this whole situation is that your sons' lives are kept as stable as possible. Set aside your own feelings, set aside your wife's demands for money, and see what works best for maintaining the kids' routine. If hockey is early in the morning, have the relevant kids stay the night beforehand with you. If your ex is unwilling to bring them anywhere, it's going to be her loss of time with them. If the matrimonial house is closer to the school than your apartment, have most of them stay there as many school nights as possible, and get them more on the weekends. I think, juggling four kids's activities, you would probably find that a lot of things would fall into place based on their needs, and then you just fill in the rest with arrangements that bring the access up to as equal as possible.

              If you show the courts that these arrangements are made with the best interests of the child as the paramount consideration, they'll be a lot happier about splitting them up when it's necessary.

              And you don't even need to end up in court, you know. It's by no means automatic. It's a threat your wife is holding over your head, but from what I've read here, only a fraction of cases need to be settled by a judge. Most separating couples, albeit with the aid of lawyers, figure things out for themselves outside of a courtroom. And the process is slow! You and your ex just separated, and on average, even if you were a case that reaches court, it wouldn't happen for months or years. You need to get an arrangement you like in place ASAP, for the sake of your children, to get you to that point. And make sure it's one you can live with, because if you do get to court, it'll be status quo by then and a judge won't want to fiddle with it much.

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              • #8
                I have had a real life experience as far as one of my children choosing to come every second day or whenever he chooses to.

                8 weeks ago my son who just turned thirteen showed up on a monday saying he wanted to stay for the night. His mom agreed. Two days later he did the same. This time his mother told him to come back home and he refused. She made him cry by telling him he was breaking the law and she would call the police. After the call I sat him down and explained that he is always welcome, any time any day at any age but that in fact there is an interim order in place but he said he was tired of the conflic and that from now on he wanted to see us equaly. I praised him for his desision to stand up for what he realy wanted out of this seperation but that the police where going to call or show up. He didn,t care.

                I called my children,s lawyer for advice and she said not to worry. No cop is going to come and put the cuffs on a 13 yrl to bring him back to his mom because he wanted to be with dad and that his own actions would prove favorable for my children and I to get 50/50 access. As expected the police called. All they wanted to know is to confirm that my son had indeed come on his own will and that he was OK. The officer told me it,s up to her to take it up with her lawyer and that they are not about to cause more stress and anxiety on a kid because that night he wanted to be with the other parent.

                Since then, my son has chosen to be with me every second day of the week and alternating weekends until the custody issue is resolved and is not affraid of mom,s pressure tactics anymore, without disrespecting her (he knows i would not accept anything less). My daughter now 10 and a half wants to do the same.

                Although his mom acused me of presuring him all I ever did is explain to him that I could not do anything until the court decision and that in life you have to stand up for yourself when you believe in something.

                It,s very comforting when you see your young children standing up for what they believe in while not disrespecting the other opinions.

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                • #9
                  I was told today that my 15 yr can be forced back with his mother by a judge , if it went that far is this true , but at the same time he can leave on his free will .So confuse now

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                  • #10
                    You have purple feet. ... is that causing confusion too?

                    i.e. perhaps you got your information from someone who had no info about your situation...?

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by sixfeetunder View Post
                      I was told today that my 15 yr can be forced back with his mother by a judge , if it went that far is this true , but at the same time he can leave on his free will .So confuse now
                      Dude,

                      Stop asking questions and READ what Mess wrote to you.

                      Then read it again.

                      And again.

                      UNDERSTAND it.

                      Stop asking questions and read: Everything you need to know, and everything you need to do, is in his 2 replies to you.

                      If you fuck this up you will only have yourself to blame.

                      Snap out of it.

                      Cheers!

                      Gary

                      Comment

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