Well..... It's over!!!

[representingself]

At my last case conference, the Judge ordered the issue of retroactive arrears to be put to a Motion, and both parties were to issue an offer to settle prior to said Motion.

So, I fill out all of the correct paperwork... cite the appropriate laws, serve and file, exactly as instructed. I even served the Respondent with blank copies of all of the forms he needed to file as well..(figured if I didn't, he would just show up empty handed as he did for all of those case conferences). I issued a offer.. he did not.

So we get to the court house, and are called in early.

The Judge was pissed!!

He said that the issue shouldn't even be at a Motion because the parties are "arguing back and forth, and it is not his job to determine who is lying and who is telling the truth"...

Then he continues to say that Justice blah blah, ordered settlement offers be exchanged, but he didn't see the point in that.

He finished with, I will hear your case later on, but I believe it will have to go forward to trial where evidence is presented and witnesses are questioned....

I was shocked, and embarassed, and so frustrated....

I aksed the other side to go to onsite mediation with me... he says NO.

So we all wait.... and wait..... and wait.....

I am trying to figure in my head that now we will need a Settlement Conference, Trial Management Conference and then a Hearing date.... I am guessing that this is going to take at least another full year.

I know, that if we go to trial, I will win. I have read the DBS judgement, and various other cases, numerous times... I have concrete written proof of date of Effective Notice, I have the Directors Statement of Arrears which shows how much he owes and hwo long it has been since he has paid.... I have audio recordings of conversations he and I had in 2005, in which he clearly says that he doesn't want to see her, or pay for her.
I have proof that he has moved almost 10 times in the past 6 years, been married and divorced, and he absolutely refuses to tell me where he lives, or his telephone number....
He hasn't seen our daughter in nearly a decade. He has written in his original Answer that he doesn't want to see her, and that he wants to sign off his parental rights.
His only defense is bullshit lies and mud.

But, I also know... that if I win, I believe that I will effectively ruin any chance of my daughter having any future relationship with her bio-logical father. He HATES me enough as it is.

I stand in the parking lot... smoking cigarette after cigarette, my inner monologue arguing back and forth....

My daughter deserves to be treated better than this......
He has been nothing but a pain in my ass for years......
God I wish he would just talk to me...
Why should I let him off the hook, he has done nothing for his child......
Geez it would feel so good to finally tell him off......
I know I am to blame for some of this mess... but if he wont talk to me, how can I tell him that....
I hate this f*ck!ng man.... I want him to disappear.....
My baby girl has some serious self-esteem issues... and I wonder how much if that is caused by not having contact with her "other" family....
My husband is loosing more money, missing work and being here with me, than this is worth.....
If I agree to go back to the date I filed the court papers, then maybe we can settle this today....
I know if I ask him to pay anything at all, he is going to freak out and say no....
If I win this case (in a year), and he is forced to pay the arrears, he is just going to take off and hide and work under the table somewhere... at least now, if I let this go, my daughter is getting something from him every month.
God... I just want this to be over....

So there I stood... large FV cappuccino in one hand, and a smoke in the other... I took a deep breath and made my decision...

I realized that he was never going to be the parent that I wanted him to be, and he was never going to own up to what he had done, he would always blame me, and I was never going to get the vindication and apology that I wanted....

This bullshit merry-go-round in the court system, was failing both of us.

So I sent my husband over and told him that if he would agree to all of the minor issues that I would drop the claim for retroactive child support.

I gave the selfish bastard a $10,000 Christmas present....

So for now, my dance with the devil is complete. I don't believe I will hear form him again for a very long time.

I thought I would feel remourse for letting it go... I thought I would be angry for letting him think that I had caved.

But the truth is, I feel relieved... and happy.... because even though I didn't get her the money... maybe I kept the door open for her to see him someday.... and I think that is worth much more.

So thank you to all of the strangers out there, who helped me by answering my questions, listening to me rant, and basically just being there. It was easier knowing I wasn't alone.

I will stick around and hopefully pay it forward!

GOOSFRABA

[lumpy]

But the truth is, I feel relieved... and happy.... because even though I didn't get her the money... maybe I kept the door open for her to see him someday.... and I think that is worth much more.

Wow - just made me totally tear up. Unselfish and beautiful example of a fantastic parent putting a child first. Your daughter is lucky to have you. I am thrilled for you! Congrats & enjoy your holiday!

[Mominneed]

Congratulations - I think it's you who "won" in the end. You have a beautiful daughter, and you have managed to make him responsible. You can't force him to be a good parent. Your strength is probably something your daughter will admire in time. Probably best to settle rather than spend all kinds of money not to mention energy on someone who just isn't worth it!

[dadtotheend]

That's a great post.

I loved your "inner monologue" with the coffee and chain smoking in the parking lot. You really let it out there.

Good luck hoping that Dad will see her if he hasn't after all this time. That $10K bought you closure as much as an open door to your child.

What's an FV cappucino?

What's GOOSFRABA?

[tugofwar]

Wow, what can I say except that really hit home... Makes you question things and look at this process from a different light.
Thank you for sharing your story. Makes me rethink my craziness and thoughts lately and hope to learn from your experience.
Merry Christmas to you for taking the higher road.

[billiechic]

Thank you for posting such personal thoughts. It helps to know that we all have that internal monologue, and that it is a normal, responsible thing.

I think you did "win". You realized the cost the whole process was taking from your family, and that what you would get out of it in the end was worth far less. You don't need to beat him in court, because that would probably result in him closing the door on your daughter.

I hope that one day he does accept her phone call, that she will get the chance to know him as a person (maybe not as a father though..that may have passed already).

You didn't give him a gift, you gave it to yourself. It's called release. And maybe a little forgiveness. I hope your load is much lighter today. Your decision is inspiring. Congrats!

[representingself]

What's an FV cappucino?

A French Vanilla Cappuccino (from Timmie's)...hee hee hee
They're my favourite!!!

What's GOOSFRABA?

Ahhhhh GOOSFRABA!!! LOL

An anger management technique!!

YouTube - Ang-mgmt


Kidding aside.... I find that when my emotions are running high, and I get that grawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.... hands a little shaky.... nervous and anxious.... saying a silly sounding word provokes a smile, and can be a reminder to take a deep breath, relax, and try to process my thoughts more clearly, one at a time... It is a lot less overwhelming that way!

[Mess]

You've done amazing and won because you made your decision on your own terms.

Life is what you make it, and it depends on who you are and how you feel about yourself, that is what chooses your direction and that is what makes things happen, who you are and how you feel. Move on and your life is yours and the road is wide open in front of you. It's a daring adventure or it's nothing. We forget that when we get all caught up in the power struggles.

[Rioe]

I gave the selfish bastard a $10,000 Christmas present....

Well, odds were he didn't have that kind of cash on hand anyways, so it's not at all like handing him a winning lottery ticket. But I can see how feeling that way would stick in the craw!

But honestly, don't feel bad that he thinks he won, because I doubt you care what he thinks!

You won because it's over, you can move on, and you can't put a price on peace of mind.

Sounds like you'll never (well, hardly ever) have to even see or talk to him again, and that probably makes many of us jealous! I'd pay $10k to magically never have to see my ex again. Or hear people talk about him. However, I can't figure out how to do that and still have him see our sons, and I can't have them devastated like that. But in your case, your daughter is used to life being like that, and it's probably less stressful to her than suddenly being introduced to him and have to hang out with him, had he suddenly come around the way you wanted, or lost the case in a year, probably more than $10k in legal expenses later.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience; I think that's why many of us come here, not just for the legal stuff.

[dadtotheend]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience; I think that's why many of us come here, not just for the legal stuff.

Got that right. Again, great post!!