Urgent situation with teens

[Where is the Light]

I have been raising my kids for 13 and 16 years alone. I know you don't know me, but I have been an amazing mom; an involved mom. The kids and I moved out from with their dad 5.5 years ago. He lives two minutes away and said he didn't want them more than 4 days a month (everyother weekend) in court (although I offered him more time with kids kids). His wife is not working now and 13 and 16 years later he filed for custody. He is using the crutch they boys don't want to be with me (which they don't) after a night after their being so rude, ignorant and disrespectuful to me). There teenage years have been tryng and this last evening of rudeness took it's toll. I drove them over to their dads (he was told they were coming), with clothes and I told the children to spend some time away from me thinking about how they treat me. I think they were both in shock. Well, one day passes and dad is freaking out and me ordering to return the boys. He advised he has plans and that it is not his weekend. I stand firm and say no. These kids need to think about how horribly they treat me. He is livid. Sunday comes, he sends me text messages. Look, I gave up my Friday plans, I am returning them to you today, I have plans and I am not breaking these plans. I am standing firm and now he is pissing me off. He asks me who the hell do I think I am. I said, one more night might do it; perhaps they will decide they don't even want to live with me because of my rules. They need counselling I state. Well, Monday comes and I manage to reach one of my kids on their way home from school and ask they come by for a talk. Child gets here and says dad will be mad they came by. Said dad said not to be lured in by me. We share thoughts about anger and sadness (feelings felt over the weekend). He leaves. Later that night, both my teens arrive at my door and advise they have 15 minutes to listen to me and get out with their belongings). I am in shock and I actually help them pack. My oldest one saying, dad said we have to bring everything, all boots, coats, everything. I try all week to reach them, no one is responding to me. Friday I get an email from ex's lawyer. It says we have a poor relationship (kids and I) and they have chosen to live with him. He is giving me til Tuesday to agree to his requests, (kids and now he wants child support). He said if I don't agree by Tuesday he is taking this to court and asking for all his lawyers cost/court costs. My kids were challenging (mouthy, disrespectful, rude) and totally spoiled and loved by their mother. But, I instill conseqeunces for treating me horribly and my ex doesn't. He just yells at them and it is over with. So, apparently I am the worse parent ever. I am dying it feels like. Please just believe me when I tell you what an amazing mother I am (apart from instilling consequences i.e. cell phones off at 10"30, have to share emptying the dishwasher, share washing pots/pans, can't just sleep out at friends casue you want to; sometimes other things take prescedence i.e studying, assignments), saying hello when you come thru the door. My expectations are too much and now they want to live with dad who did not want them up until I made him angry by not picking the boys up when he insisted.

So, after getting a hold of my son at one of the boys friends he slept at on Sat. night, he informed me "you sent us off and it backfired on you, now we are going to live with our dad." Mean!! My heart is breaking. Two teens turned horrible (I know that doesn't sound right coming from a mom who worships her kids).

What do I do? I have no money for lawyers. Ex wants an answer for Tuesday or filing for court. Do I even fight for my kids when claim they don't even want to be with me now. Will a judge just honour their wishes because they are 13 and 16? is it that simple? Might a judge say you are being disrespectful rude teens, playing one parent against another and send them back? I am prepared to collect parents, and teachers letters to show how involved in their lives. ps Even parents most recently have said to my son over hearing him, "don't be so rude to your mother".

I love my children. I am nothing more than a parent and yet, it feels I am losing that privlidge.

Signed broken hearted and needing much advise in Ontario Canada

[Beachnana]

Sadly I believe, from other of my friends who have gone through this,that it is often what happens with teenagers.

So did Dad pay you child support all these years?

Perhaps it's time for Dad to take them and deal with them. There is a case for you to stop being the doormat and let the boys go to dad's and see how it will be.

You can have some time to live your life, see them every other weekend etc. They will either realize this is not so much fun and want to move back or they will be happy and you can just have a happy good relationship with the, but not a day to day relationship.

Likely when Dad starts lowering the hammer they will want to come back.

[Rioe]

They are teenagers. A judge is not going to be able to tell them where to live. If a court orders them to live at your house, they are just going to walk two minutes away to the other parent's house.

Don't waste money going to court. Pay offset CS to the other house, at minimum, under the logic that these are teenagers and who knows where they will ultimately decide to live, so for now, share expenses.

Frankly, their dad, the way you describe him at least, does not sound like he would be easy to live with. The kids may soon regret their decision. But as it stands now, pride will never let them admit it to you.

You need to repair the rift you caused in the relationship with your teenagers. You reacted out of anger and made them feel unwanted and abandoned. They are processing that feeling the only way teenagers know how - rebellion. They know it hurts you - they want you to feel as hurt as they did. They are not going to reflect on how horribly they treated you, they are going to dwell on how horribly you treated them.

Just keep making time for them. Talk to them on the phone, have them over for dinner, ask them about their school, their activities, their friends. Show up to ALL their activities. Keep being mom. Don't pressure them to return to living with you, but make sure you keep up the parental relationship. And above all, apologize and let them know you understand you made a terrible mistake in how you treated them.

[Janus]

What do I do? I have no money for lawyers. Ex wants an answer for Tuesday or filing for court.

One week of living with Dad is being a bit premature. I think it might be reasonable to answer something along the lines of "They are temporarily living with you, but as far as I am concerned they still live primarily living with me. We can discuss the situation in January after the situation has settled"

Do I even fight for my kids when claim they don't even want to be with me now. Will a judge just honour their wishes because they are 13 and 16? is it that simple?

It is that simple. Unless the father is a clearly unfit parent, the judge will just honour their wishes. He seems like a bit of a jerk, but that doesn't make him unfit.

Might a judge say you are being disrespectful rude teens, playing one parent against another and send them back? I am prepared to collect parents, and teachers letters to show how involved in their lives. ps Even parents most recently have said to my son over hearing him, "don't be so rude to your mother".

There is no chance of that happening, none at all. Well, the judge might say that the teens are being disrespectful and rude, but then will allow the father to have custody anyway.

Legally speaking, you have no chance in court. Don't bother wasting money on a lawyer, you cannot possibly win.

Sadly, you probably need to start reorganizing your finances. Assume that by January or so you might have to start paying table child support.

[rockscan]

First question: are you enrolled with FRO for child support?

If yes, contact them immediately and find out your options for withdrawing. Once you have done this, advise your ex. This might be the issue with his need to get cs immediately.

If no, take a deep breath and then try to work with your ex. Let him know you will reimburse him the last week of Novembers cs payment (take the full month and divide by four). Then request that you both wait the month of December and see what happens with the kids as they are teens and may change their mind again.

Your ex sounds like a hot head and you made a knee jerk reaction that impacted everything. He wasnt pleased he had to change his plans and it sounds like now he wants to punish you. I feel bad for the kids. Teenagers are temperamental, obnoxious and rude. Thats normal behaviour. You took a drastic action and now everyone is steaming.

If he still wants to go to court, let him. He will need to file a motion to change and go through a few months of work. Offering a few weeks of breathing room and then a full address of the situation is a good step to see how things go. You may also want to look into some parenting teens resources to help you cope and also understand how to deal with your kids. Sadly, you cant just say "go live with your father" and not expect some fallout. You are not without fault in this situation and you need to think about your actions and how to resolve everyones poor feelings.

[stripes]

Unfortunately, these things are not uncommon with teenagers (going to stay with the more lenient parent when they don't like the other parent's rules).

In terms of CS, my understanding is that the usual wait is six months before a change in residence can be said to be permanent (because teens flip-flop - they may want to come back to your house next week). So I wouldn't begin paying support to your ex immediately, despite his threats. He can take the matter to court, and by the time it gets there it will be clear whether the boys are with him long-term or whether they are back at your house again.

The matter is complicated because you left the boys at their father's house, so you will need to help heal the rift. I agree with the other posters that you should be as involved in their lives as possible - inviting them for meals, to do things on the weekend, etc. Don't beg the boys to come back and live with you - that adds to the drama. But let them know the door is open to them.

[Links17]

You're such a great mom, way to go..... No "great mom" would say "I am a great mom". They;d say - I try my best and do what I can, but I am not perfect....

I'm a great dad too.


Clearly, for somebody to come here an speak like that you are clearly lying to yourself.

Furthermore, there an established principle in jurisprudence kids need the parent of their own gender more than the other.

Get ready to start paying child support, lol.

[stripes]

You're such a great mom, way to go..... No "great mom" would say "I am a great mom". They;d say - I try my best and do what I can, but I am not perfect....

I'm a great dad too.


Clearly, for somebody to come here an speak like that you are clearly lying to yourself.

Furthermore, there an established principle in jurisprudence kids need the parent of their own gender more than the other.

Get ready to start paying child support, lol.

No there isn't. There's an old-fashioned view that girls always model themselves on Mom and boys on Dad, but that's not exactly a "principle of jurisprudence". Studies of same-sex couples with kids as well as single-parent families show that girls can do fine without a Mom and boys can do fine without a Dad. It's good for kids to have access to adult role models of all genders, but what they really need is loving and consistent adults in their lives.

[Janus]

No "great mom" would say "I am a great mom".

I'm a great dad, and I say I'm a great dad.

Furthermore, there an established principle in jurisprudence kids need the parent of their own gender more than the other.

I've seen that crap sometimes, but it is hardly established jurisprudence, and it is certainly complete bullshit.

[Where is the Light]

Everyone here has been supportive but you. I wasn't trying to get out of trying to pay child support and sorry if referencing myself as a great mom offended you. To make you happier, how about, I am a pretty terrific mom?!

My heart is simply aching for her children.

[Where is the Light]

Urgent situation with teens

Thank you to those kind people who were supportive of my heartache and trying to see if I could get my kids back (they need counselling and need to know by someone else that they can't treat their mom horribly!!)

I have cut off FRO and replied that I wish to pay child support. I have said lets revisit this sitation in January as someone suggested (a cool off period). However, something tells me that my children will want to stay with dad. How can I compete with someone who has no rules (only yells). Plus, he buys them lots of stuff that I can't afford.

Anyhow, I am not sleeping. I feel depressed and hopeless. Crying all the time. I miss my kids, but don't wantn them returning and STILL being their very not nice to mom selves. That aside, how do I get through each lonely day without them?

Helpful suggestions welcome. Thank you.

[Where is the Light]

Urgent situation with teens

Omg,

I just found out he has changed the parent teacher meeting my child and I were scheduled to have to a time/date for him. Father has never attended a meeting in 8 years.

I am so being excluded and hurt. I will not show up and make my son feel uncomfortable.

This is so painful.

[rockscan]

No you have a right to attend the meeting.

You need to advise your ex that details in your agreement regarding information sharing and access to teachers, doctors etc HAS NOT changed and he cannot prevent you from attending or getting information. If it was a case that he was not available at your time then accommodate but he cant keep you out of it.

You need to calm down and stop making this about you. You were angry with your kids and their behaviour and you took action. These are the consequences for your actions. You cantjust dump your kids with their father and expect that it wont upset others. All four of you are acting like children.

You made a choice. You now have to live with it. You need to think about it like they have grown up and moved out. What would you have done when they moved on with their lives? You need to start doing that. Maybe if you hadnt centered your whole being around your kids they wouldnt have treated you so badly and you wouldnt be in this situation.

Buck up because youre in it now and you cant go back.

[Berner_Faith]

Sorry you are in this situation, but it now seems to be your reality. I would also state that you should be prepared to pay retro CS, should the situation become permanent. Just like Dad had to pay support when you had the kids. Put what CS you owe Dad in a separate account and come January, if the kids are still with Dad you owe him that amount. If he went to court today, you would have to pay. The kids are teens and they will get to choose where they want to live. CS follows the kids.

As for school meetings, set one up with the teachers yourself. You don't have to attend with Dad. However, keep in mind, your child may not want you involved and may not agree to go with you. That's okay, you can still go.

You had a lot to do with this situation and you have to take responsibility for that. Unfortunately for you, the kids and Dad called your bluff and this is now the new situation. I am sure you are upset and sad, but I am sure your kids were as well when you refused to let them come back. You do not deserve to be a doormat, but you are also always a parent and you took drastic action.

Continue to communicate with your children, invite them over, etc., but also remember they can make the decision to say no. They will eventually get over being mad at you, but it doesn't mean they will move back to you.

[Where is the Light]

you are kind of hard for a person going thru such pain. is there not a gentler way to say what you just said?