How to Approach Inappropriate Communication Between Ex and Child

[LovingFather32]

In our situation it has opened the lines of communication between the kids and both parents to talk about what was said, what was heard and what was meant.

See that's what I thought too. If D3 has it in her mind that daddy turns in to a monster in a nightmare I'll be hearing this in court in few month anyways. I definitely wouldn't bring it up in a accusatory manner.

i.e - "D3 was saying the funniest thing today. Have you heard anything like this from her"?

I guess the word "cooperate" got a little over-emphasized. More of a "resolution" thing. If issues are going on with D3, should we not be looking to resolve them? (In a strategic manner - no finger pointing?) I believe that would be in her best interests.

And let's face it. I'm headed to trial. Courts free for her and she want's sole for the payoff and to get to QC. So when they go to trial with items such as recordings of D3 singing the trick or treat song and pulling down underpants they will be sure to point out that I had her on that evening.

This is what she wants the new SC to be about. All the things in the OP. Plus that she cant negotiate with me because I wanted to stick to court ordered schedule and have D3 on New Years Eve.

The question is .. should I be trying to find some resolution or open up lines of communication before another $3,000 that I cannot afford is being spent on another SC full of this garbage?

[dinkyface]

Just remember, until you say something, your ex has no idea that her garbage is affecting your time with d3. Until then, she can only raise it as concerns within her own household. I'd focus on your d3's feelings of love and safety and security with you, and make it clear that mummy does not tell us what to do in daddy's house and v.v.

[LovingFather32]

Very true.

D3 isn't exhibiting any behaviors that I would deem as abnormal here. No avoidance, clinginess or anything like that. Definitely no nightmares or asking to sleep with us. She's just such a happy, funny outgoing little girl. She has an extreme case of the sillies (poo poo, fart talk), but that's a 3 year old for you.

I just wasn't sure how to approach it. If mommy says she cant watch Scooby doo, go sledding or wash her hair here I just hate that I'd make D3 think she was going against her mom by disobeying her and doing those things.

I just want D3 to feel like she's pleasing everybody by being herself and engaging in normal activities (like sledding and washing hair, etc).

[blinkandimgone]

On the topic of monsters, Elmo, Grover and cookie monster are monsters, Mike and Sully are.monsters, Critter and the Little Monsters are fun too.

If you "get" to be a monster, how cool is that? Play it up and have fun with it while teaching your kid that monsters are not real but all the cool monsters are awesome.

[Serene]

Two posts above the OP has concerns about kid going against mommy's rules... this is why I say engage a good child psych.

You have to remember whatever you do can and likely will be misconstrued by mom. And whatever you say can and likely will be relayed to mom and others slightly or very differently by kid to others/mom. The risk is too great in my opinion if you are headed to trial.

This is what I mean by "help your child navigate the divorce". A good psych will discuss strategies and words to use with child for all these situations. AND when you are questioned in court you can say "I was following the advice of dr so and so". Its no longer so subjective. And reduces the risk that you might or will look to be alienating kid from other parent or trash talking mom.

Hubby has been doing this for years with kids...sometimes what/how we thought to handle a situation was bang on. Other times doc told us we weren't right in how we planned to handle it. At the very least we were redirected.

[rockscan]

How to Approach Inappropriate Communication Between Ex and Child

I agree with Serene on the psych involvement but I also note that in families of divorce the rules at each house are different. My partner doesnt parent his kids the way his ex does.

But that doesnt mean she should feel that shes breaking rules by doing things at your house. Maybe reinforcing to her that your rules are different and youll let mommy know that its ok to do things at your house?

[LovingFather32]

Yes, a psych should be involved. That's another can of worms to open .. not sure how to approach ex with that as well.

Ex is saying D3 has issues at her home (nightmares: daddy monster, clingy, not sleeping, etc). Completely extinct at my home as I've mentioned.

So it's obviously an environmental issue...as Tayken pointed out regarding this in another thread. If the said behaviors are actually occurring, they're not being generalized to other environments, such as my house.

Would I be admitting that I feel D3 has issues if I bring up a child psyc? This is ex's entire case for next SC.

[arabian]

I don't see this as a problem. I see it as a father merely addressing his ex's concerns in a professional manner.

Of course your ex will see it as an opportunity to take someone else into her fold of lies and deception.

Your ex believes your daughter has nightmares at her place.
You are concerned by what your daughter is relaying to you.

No harm in getting a non-biased view of things IMO.

[Serene]

Yes, a psych should be involved. That's another can of worms to open .. not sure how to approach ex with that as well.

Putting myself in a position of authority reading the above... If a psych SHOULD be involved, why isn't one?

How to approach it? I'd like our child to see a psychologist. Offer that each of your can present any issues that you feel the child may have. Simply state, I think the child could benefit from seeing a psychologist and your intent is to pursue whatever treatment/sessions is recommended by the doctor. And that you'd like mom to participate.

Ex is saying D3 has issues at her home (nightmares: daddy monster, clingy, not sleeping, etc).

Great! Mom says kid has issues - great entry point to bringing up "given your concerns about xx, I'd like to take our child to a psychologist".

Completely extinct at my home as I've mentioned.

Mention this to the doctor, not the mother. If you state this to the mother, you'll likely put her on the defensive.

So it's obviously an environmental issue...as Tayken pointed out regarding this in another thread. If the said behaviors are actually occurring, they're not being generalized to other environments, such as my house.

I'm no doctor (yet anyways) but I don't agree to this. There maybe issues that are being displayed in your environment in different ways, or differently, and you might not even be aware of it... don't generalize. Go see a psych with an open mind and don't have "all the answers" already determined. Listen to what the doctor has to say.

Would I be admitting that I feel D3 has issues if I bring up a child psyc? This is ex's entire case for next SC.

You state above that mom has already addressed issues at her home/with her.
If you solicit mom to take child to a pscyh you are being a responsible parent, and taking action on what mom has already addressed to you.
In any event, you can also sell it as "I'd like to take child to pyschologist to address the concerns you raised and just to ensure everything is okay". That kind of softens the reasoning behind you taking the child.

FYI my husband's ex tried to stand in the way of him taking the children to a psychologist. She was not succussful. Several judges told her: you must cooperate and see what the psychologist has to say. She was sited as being irresponsible for even thinking of NOT taking them.

[Serene]

I don't see this as a problem. I see it as a father merely addressing his ex's concerns in a professional manner.

And there is no harm for just taking child as a precaution too.

Of course your ex will see it as an opportunity to take someone else into her fold of lies and deception.

Maybe... I will offer you this, be careful in assessing YOUR views of how sessions go... the doctor needs you both to be onside. At a quick glance, it may appear the doctor is catering to each of you but a good doctor will develop a good relationship and deal with each of you in a way they see fit to improve the situation for the child.

Your ex believes your daughter has nightmares at her place.
You are concerned by what your daughter is relaying to you.

I'd frame it a little differently personally... We each have concerns about our child, for which I will let her mother discuss her concerns herself (don't speak for her unless she refuses to be involved in doctors apps alone or together) and I'd like to bring her to see someone in case she needs some assistance navigating our separation.

My husband does not speak for his ex. If she has concerns, she will relay them herself. And fyi, very often her concerns as relayed to us surface very differently when relayed to doctor

No harm in getting a non-biased view of things IMO.

I agree.

[arabian]

Serene I wonder if just once you can address your remarks to the poster without using your own personal situation (with your husband's ex) as a benchmark for what to do and not to do?

Just sayin...

[LovingFather32]

I also have to be weary about ex sending off sea scrolls to the psychologist.(edited, staged, manipulated surreptitious recordings). We saw what happened with OCL. Although a judge already heard them, laughed and called them edited snippets. She fooled OCL but not the courts. But would it fool psych. the same as it did the OCL?

[Serene]

Serene I wonder if just once you can address your remarks to the poster without using your own personal situation (with your husband's ex) as a benchmark for what to do and not to do?

Just sayin...

Say what you want, I'll write my posts as I see fit. Not intending to be crass here, but I've not broken any rules and if you don't like my writing style or examples - don't read them.

...this forum and my opinions/stories are free

[LovingFather32]

Ladies ladies. Let's kick off the New Year with a big warm, fuzzy hug!!

[Pursuinghappiness]

LF32...what exactly did you expect was going to happen after your difficult legal battle with your ex?

This stuff doesn't surprise me at all. She's going to be pissed off for a while and using the child to say and do stuff to get under your skin. This isn't an unusual situation and you'll have smoother times and flare ups for a long time to come.

What you should do is ignore it as best as you can. I'd also do whatever you want with your daughter at your house. You can wash her hair, watch Scooby Doo all day and go sledding whenever you damn well please.

You know why? Because your ex has ZERO legal recourse to stop you from being a parent to your own child.

Don't stoop to your ex's level. I've learned that one of the best gifts you can give to your kid's after a divorce is to be the voice of reason and calm when they're dealing with a batshit angry parent the other half of the time. In time, have faith that your daughter will get old enough to understand that you are the fair, rational parent. In the meantime, ignore it and have fun with your daughter when she's over however you see fit. The best revenge is parenting well.

Then you can vent here whenever you want about how nuts your ex is...there's lot of people with similar stories...lol.