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  • Child custody and possible tactic...need opinions please!

    My STBX and I separated in Jan and have been living in the same matrimonial home since (me living and trying to parent my 2 girls in the basement). We have exchanged many lawyer letters over the last 8 months and they have essentially ignored, lied and or cheated throughout. She continues to not disclosure many assets that I am aware of, refuses to address custody and has stolen all the jewelry from the home and our safety deposit box.

    <O</O
    They have essentially tried everything to get me out of the house rather then trying to resolve “amicably” as they keep stating.

    <O</OIt's terrible living condition - her family is large and supporting her in many ways and brother is a lawyer writing all her materials behind the scenes. They have tried to guilt me to leave the home, made false accusations, tried to burden me with many additional responsibilities - cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, etc. But I have overcome these and continue to remain in the home with my girls.

    We have an informal 2 - 2 - 5 schedule with the kids but since we live in the same home she interfers at every opportunity on my nights. Everyone has told me not to leave the home without a court order or signed agreement - but life is so miserable there that after 8 months I don't know how much more I can endure until the December case conference.

    So my main support has been a female friend of over 23 years and because we’ve been so close we have developed a relationship and life is actually a little more bearable. My kids have known her and her two children since birth – so being around them is the norm although they don’t know anything other then we are friends.

    So here is what I need opinion on – we discussed her renting a bigger apartment in the area. Kids all go to the same day care and school – so on my days with the girls rather then being in the matrimonial home I stay with the children in the new rental apartment with her and her children i.e. Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from school / daycare and we go to this residence. Wednesday Ex picks them up and I of course stay at matrimonial home so she can’t say I’m moved out. Of course, this would be something I just start doing because Ex would never agree. Thoughts please on approach – it would go along way for my sanity!!

  • #2
    I would not leave without a court order.

    Journal all of your involvement with the children. Also, keep a digital voice recorder on your person at all times in the house AND outside the house if you are around her. Don't engage with the ex. Should she come at you with crazy, simply state you don't want to discuss this with her right now and ask that she email you her concerns. Don't speak to her unless it relates to the kids at that time. This is now a business transaction. take emotion out of the picture when it comes to your ex (I know easier said than done).

    Is it possible to put a lock on the door to your room? If so, do it. A deadbolt or sliding bolt would be best as the kids are likely to be able to easily unlock it if they are in the room for some reason.

    Leaving now (read - without a custody agreement) would put you at the mercy of the ex. If I were you, I'd work on getting a custody agreement hammered out, then you can leave and deal with the remaining finances and equalization from the sanity of your new home.

    But don't leave without a custody agreement. If you do, you'll be fighting an uphill battle for the 50/50 you have now.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
      tried to burden me with many additional responsibilities - cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, etc.
      What "laundry schedules"....no, simply put you do your own laundry and you do the kids laundry.

      You cook your own meals and meals for the kids. You clean up after yourself and the kids.

      You do things on your time on schedules that suit your needs. They don't get to dictate how you live your life or how you choose to parent the children.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks HammerDad, I have put all the things you've oulined in place. My angle on the tactic is that I'm not really leaving the matrimonial home - I'm just parenting on my days from a different residence. I know might sound weird.

        For example, let's say right now on Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from daycare / school and per current come back to the matrimonial home give them dinner, baths, etc. Then Wednesday morning take them school / daycare, and she picks them up Wednesday afternoon and brings them to the matimonial home and then switch depending who has the 5 day (including weekend).

        What I am suggesting is on Sunday I stay at the new apartment with the girls, take then and pick them up Monday / Tuesday but come back to the new apartment rather then the matrimonial home until we do the switch on Wednesday. In short I guess, do I have to parent on my days from the matrimonial home? Why can't I take them elsewhere overnight as long as they continue getting to school / daycare per normal?

        Of course, STBX will probably be irrate when kids just don't come home on Monday / Tuesday nights - but these are my nights / days anyway. She can't really call the police because their is no court order stating residency - I would imagine? So they would I suspect only do a safety check?

        Comment


        • #5
          LOL - and yes she's sends me regular email spreadsheets for cleaning schedules (lists every room of the house), what needs to be cleaned, now she sent a laundry schedule i.e. rotating weeks, and when summer started a yard work and mowing schedule! I didn't know any better and was following until someone told me what you did.

          She and family are trying to burden me with so much that I just get overwhelmed and give up. So have stopped which has made her even more angry. Now the emails talk about "hygenie and safety of the children". Funny we didn't maintain this standard when we were separated. Anyway, this is just a vent - previous post is really the meat of what I want to understand.

          Comment


          • #6
            I would stop doing things on their schedule. If they request that you do, simply reply that you will ensure that you do your part the home is clean moving forward. However, what you choose to do and when you believe it is necessary to be done is your choice. Remind them that neither spouse is entitled to dictate any such schedules, and respectfully request that they refrain from doing so in the future.

            You are obligated to clean up after yourself and help with the kids. Some people, in an effort to make the ex's life unbearable, will simply leave dirty dishes laying around, cook the smelliest foods or foods they know their ex dislikes.

            I would stick to any schedules relating to the kids, like bed time and dinner etc. But what you choose to make them is your choice on your parenting time. If you allow them to dictate how you live now, what makes you think they will stop when you move out?

            Tell them you will ensure the residence is tidy and will continue to contribute to your share, but will not respond to being dictated to.

            Comment


            • #7
              Have done all the above in regards to schedule. Thank you for reaffirming my approach was correct.

              For example, let's say right now on Monday / Tuesday I drop them off / pick them up from daycare / school and per current come back to the matrimonial home give them dinner, baths, etc. Then Wednesday morning take them school / daycare, and she picks them up Wednesday afternoon and brings them to the matimonial home and then switch depending who has the 5 day (including weekend).

              But in regards to the more important part below, any thoughts? I take them away for my weekends anyway, why should it be any different if I do so on the weekdays as long as they make daycare / school as per normal?

              What I am suggesting is on Sunday I stay at the new apartment with the girls, take then and pick them up Monday / Tuesday but come back to the new apartment rather then the matrimonial home until we do the switch on Wednesday. In short I guess, do I have to parent on my days from the matrimonial home? Why can't I take them elsewhere overnight as long as they continue getting to school / daycare per normal?

              Of course, STBX will probably be irrate when kids just don't come home on Monday / Tuesday nights - but these are my nights / days anyway. She can't really call the police because their is no court order stating residency - I would imagine? So they would I suspect only do a safety check?

              Comment


              • #8
                Sorry ignore second paragraph - accidently got insert. Newbie error!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sounds like a CONTROL ISSUE and an attempt to drive you out of your house quickly; have a nervous breakdown so she get cusotdy.

                  Cleaning and laundry schedule???? when did you become her maid?
                  HammerDad is right! clean after yourself and help with the kids especially spending quality times with the kids and not cleaning her mess.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    My personal perspective is, what you do with your children during your parenting time, is your business. Where you sleep is your business.

                    However, is it in the best interests of the kids right now? If you were to take them on your weekends and go visit your family or friends, I'd have ZERO issues. But not sure about leading them to believe this is going to be their second residence just yet. But that is my personal perspective. Others will likely disagree....but I'd focus on the kids and go to my family when it was my time.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT A COURT ORDER.

                      Period. End of story.

                      Worst possible thing you could do.

                      Document document document.

                      Close/freeze all joint accounts/credit cards/lines of credit/etc.

                      Remove her from your car insurance/cell plan/etc.

                      Cancel any non essential services. (ie. long distance/home phone/internet/etc)

                      Buy food ONLY for you and the kids. Buying food she hates is a bonus. Keep it in your room. Do YOUR laundry and the KIDS laundry on your days. She can do her own damn laundry.

                      Get a lock on your door. Move ALL important documents elsewhere. (rent a storage locker, take it to work, stick it in the trunk of your car that she has no key for/etc).

                      Document any and all assets you can. receipts/pictures/appraisals/etc.

                      Some day when she is out, take a video camera and tape the contents of the home in their entirety. Buy a newspaper and use that to establish the date.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        In addition to saying you souldn't leave without a court order, you have to start woorking on getting that order. I actually rather like all these schedules you've been given, as long as its in writing. It documents that you've separated households within the home and you are caring for the children on a schedule.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Okay Dee1973,

                          I couldn't say this too strongly.

                          Your plan is a bad one.

                          You SHOULD NOT move out of the house until you have a comprehensive signed legally binding separation agreement that deals with ALL things including equalization, custody, support, access, and timelines for selling house or one buying out the house.

                          Then, you should move into your OWN place and settle into life as a single dad with a 50/50 schedule. Keep the relationship going sure, but DO NOT move in with this person until you have been living on your own for at least a year.

                          There are so many reasons that your plan is bad, that it is hard to know where to begin.

                          You must focus on your girls first, getting separated second, creating another live in relationship LAST.

                          I lived with my ex for years with her being on and off about separating and it was hell, but mostly because I did not want to divorce. Given that you have a girlfriend, you should be in a stronger place.

                          Your ex is not making things easy BUT she is trying to help by creating schedules, which on the surface there is nothing wrong with. If it does not work for you, that is fine, then pull your own weight in a manner that works for you.

                          You are still co parenting, still co home owners, and that means compromise.

                          As long as you accept what you have learned here regarding equalization and support, you should be in a place to be reasonable with your ex and be clear about exactly what you want, and why it is supported legally. If she is not able to be reasonable, and you can't compromise (ie allow her to get away with a few things) for the benefit of yourself and your daughters, then let the court figure it out, which could take some time.

                          At the least, before you move out (to your OWN place), have a full child support, custody and access agreement in place (back by ILA).

                          BTW, what do each of you want with respect to access (50/50), equalization (split all marital assets evenly?), child support (according to guidelines using offset method?), spousal support, and who gets the house?
                          Last edited by billm; 08-31-2012, 11:52 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                            My personal perspective is, what you do with your children during your parenting time, is your business. Where you sleep is your business.

                            However, is it in the best interests of the kids right now? If you were to take them on your weekends and go visit your family or friends, I'd have ZERO issues. But not sure about leading them to believe this is going to be their second residence just yet. But that is my personal perspective. Others will likely disagree....but I'd focus on the kids and go to my family when it was my time.
                            I agree with HammerDad.

                            By bringing another person into this (even if this was originally a family friend) is just going to make it harder & more complicated for everyone. I would spend time with this person during my off time. Take you kids to your parents or siblings don't play house during your children's time until you are committed to making it your full time permanent residence.
                            Last edited by TiredOfTheDrama; 08-31-2012, 12:19 PM. Reason: oops sorry HammerDad thought I quoted billm

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thank you all - so much to think about and I'll admit very over-whelming. I only wish I had utlized the forum months ago.

                              NBDad - will have started many of the things you mentioned but will start on the others asap.

                              Mess / NBDad - you both mention DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT A COURT ORDER or START WORKING ON GETTING THAT ORDER. Sorry to sound ignorant but how do I go about obtaining this type of an order - our case conference is in December - I believe we did ask for several orders in the application. Is this something I ask the judge for at the case conference? In the order I would want our 50 / 50 schedule maintained if one party can leave or alternatively a nesting agreement where the kids stay in the house and we leave when it's not our nights.

                              Billm - thank you too - agree on priorities. You mention ILA - what is that? In regards to your questions I want 50 / 50 (kids have only known having two active / involved parents always) she wants sole (claiming primary care giver, I never did anything, painting me to be just short of Charles Manson), for equalization we sent her multiple disclosure requests, she is omitting large assets and they ignore these disclosure requests. Basically significantly understating her NMP so she can buy the house for a song. I get nothing and can't afford a place in the neighbourhood which they will probably tie to why I shouldn't have 50 / 50 custody. Child support - I've indicated that I would be happy to pay using offset method. Incomes are about the same so no SS - and of course, she wants the house (hence under-stated NMP) and contents. Hope that gives you the picture.

                              Comment

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