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20+ years and now she doesn't love me?

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  • #16
    This is not to make you paranoid but you need to understand what can happen and start taking action now. Hopefully you won't need any of it.

    If you have not already done so start photocopying everything, bank statements, investments, debt, Kids passports, Birth Certificate, SIN cards, health cards.... EVERYTHING

    This is a very delicate phase. You want her to think you don't know anything.

    Starting today keep a daily log (journal) of everything that goes on. Keep it factual and emotion free. Who watched the kids and when, who did the homework, who prepared dinner, who did anything.

    I highly recommend you at least get a free consultation with a lawyer asap.

    I also recommend you buy a personal voice recorder and record everything at all times when you are both home. This cannot be used in court for your divorce but is to protect your ass if she tries to file false DV (Domestic Violence) charges against you. DO NOT TELL HER about it EVER. (Perfectly legal btw)

    Open your own bank account and start putting some savings away any way you can. I am not telling you to steal money from joint accounts.

    You need to seriously consider how you are going to support yourself on your own starting today.

    As soon as she finds out she may have to start paying you large sums of money every month it could get ugly and you'd better be prepared.

    Good luck.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      Here is "THE LIST"

      Worst case scenario planning

      THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum
      This is the " male" list. A little gender biased don't you think. Not all women are like this and also there are many many Men who would fit the profile this author of the list has painted. I know at least 1!

      Comment


      • #18
        laughagain:

        If she's the one earning the money and she gets some legal advice (not necessarily to hire a lawyer, just to get advice), they'll tell her to close the joint accounts. If I was her, I'd close them.

        You need to understand that you're going to need to have a financial plan to get you through the separation process until you can get an interim order for support in place.

        So while there may be an agreement to be amicable, you need to have a plan in case it isn't. Legally, she's entitled to pay for nothing except the basic household expenses and for expenses for the children. You'll have to manage legal fees and all the extra fees associated with your life that isn't the basic mortgage, heat, electricity, etc. For instance, she isn't really legally responsible to provide you with a car, a cell phone, clothing, internet, etc.

        You'll need some type of interim plan...whether its borrowing money, asking for help from family, etc to potentially get you through the time it takes to get to your first motion when you can request support.

        I'm also sorry for what you're going through but I can't say I'm surprised. Its always tough when you have inequities in a relationship. I think one of the hardest marriages to keep together is when one spouse is a SAHP. I really hope that you're able to sort this out with your stbx through mediation and best wishes to your children through this process.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
          laughagain:

          If she's the one earning the money and she gets some legal advice (not necessarily to hire a lawyer, just to get advice), they'll tell her to close the joint accounts. If I was her, I'd close them.

          You need to understand that you're going to need to have a financial plan to get you through the separation process until you can get an interim order for support in place.

          So while there may be an agreement to be amicable, you need to have a plan in case it isn't. Legally, she's entitled to pay for nothing except the basic household expenses and for expenses for the children. You'll have to manage legal fees and all the extra fees associated with your life that isn't the basic mortgage, heat, electricity, etc. For instance, she isn't really legally responsible to provide you with a car, a cell phone, clothing, internet, etc.

          You'll need some type of interim plan...whether its borrowing money, asking for help from family, etc to potentially get you through the time it takes to get to your first motion when you can request support.

          I'm also sorry for what you're going through but I can't say I'm surprised. Its always tough when you have inequities in a relationship. I think one of the hardest marriages to keep together is when one spouse is a SAHP. I really hope that you're able to sort this out with your stbx through mediation and best wishes to your children through this process.
          ^^^ Very good advice... you need to start preparing yourself for this. Anyone can change real fast and if she does speak to a lawyer, due to the income differences and the fact you have been a SAHP, if she gets wind she may owe you spousal support, you can expect it to change real fast.

          It is going to have to happen anyways, why not do it now, while there are minimal balances owing?

          Comment


          • #20
            I'm feeling a giant pit in my stomach.

            I believe while being extremely nice to me in the moment she is doing all those background things. I see the evidence.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
              This is the " male" list. A little gender biased don't you think. Not all women are like this and also there are many many Men who would fit the profile this author of the list has painted. I know at least 1!
              Op is male

              Sent from my SGH-I747M using Tapatalk

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by laughagain View Post
                I'm feeling a giant pit in my stomach.

                I believe while being extremely nice to me in the moment she is doing all those background things. I see the evidence.
                You should act fast and start preparing a financial plan for yourself.

                Read the list and start quietly preparing. If it turns ugly you won't see it coming.

                Sent from my SGH-I747M using Tapatalk

                Comment


                • #23
                  You should act fast and start preparing a financial plan for yourself.

                  Read the list and start quietly preparing. If it turns ugly you won't see it coming.

                  Mine showed up for mediation, my dime.
                  After wasting the hour insulting the mediator and myself she walked out.

                  Latter it came to fruition she had already decided to never mediate and in fact had her agenda well under way before our mediation session.
                  She only went to waste my money.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    When people leave they most always have a plan.

                    You should be speaking to a lawyer and having an application to court ready so you can file it on a moments notice.

                    If you can can negotiate great but don't be left behind.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Emotionally - i suggest you check out talkaboutmarriage.com
                      Do a 180, detach, its all business from here on in.

                      -What are the living arrangements?
                      -Is her job flexible, can she pick up the kids like you can etc?
                      -I suggest you file for sole custody with GENEROUS access rights to her.
                      -She can have 50/50 in the summer for example

                      Then this is what you do,
                      -You get CS + SS; which means she is basically working to support you and the kids and gets to keep the what she needs to live. You can use mysupportcalculator.ca to evaluate.
                      -This will persist for the next 5-10 years
                      -Focus on keeping it going till the last kid is out of university - which is reasonable considering the SSAG.
                      -Ask to be able to go to school or recycle/upgrade your skills - choose something like lawyer or another 3 year program. After that is done you can have a change of heart if you feel llike it.
                      -The financial support system is fully socialized in divorce - she gets NO benefit from working except that after the kids are out of university she'll still (maybe) earning her wage and you''ll have to live off investments or something.
                      -For the next 5 years, travel was much as you can because you don't have the requirement of a full-time job. Once the 5 year time is up, start working part-time; consulting or something perhaps - be selective/risky
                      -The system might start to put pressure, plead that sole custody requires you to flexible etc...
                      -10 years later hopefully you'll have something cushy and you'lll best.
                      -Take your EGO, emotions and throw them out the truck.

                      If she has any reason not to share custody then don't.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                        Emotionally - i suggest you check out talkaboutmarriage.com
                        Do a 180, detach, its all business from here on in.

                        -What are the living arrangements?
                        -Is her job flexible, can she pick up the kids like you can etc?
                        -I suggest you file for sole custody with GENEROUS access rights to her.
                        -She can have 50/50 in the summer for example

                        Then this is what you do,
                        -You get CS + SS; which means she is basically working to support you and the kids and gets to keep the what she needs to live. You can use mysupportcalculator.ca to evaluate.
                        -This will persist for the next 5-10 years
                        -Focus on keeping it going till the last kid is out of university - which is reasonable considering the SSAG.
                        -Ask to be able to go to school or recycle/upgrade your skills - choose something like lawyer or another 3 year program. After that is done you can have a change of heart if you feel llike it.
                        -The financial support system is fully socialized in divorce - she gets NO benefit from working except that after the kids are out of university she'll still (maybe) earning her wage and you''ll have to live off investments or something.
                        -For the next 5 years, travel was much as you can because you don't have the requirement of a full-time job. Once the 5 year time is up, start working part-time; consulting or something perhaps - be selective/risky
                        -The system might start to put pressure, plead that sole custody requires you to flexible etc...
                        -10 years later hopefully you'll have something cushy and you'lll best.
                        -Take your EGO, emotions and throw them out the truck.

                        If she has any reason not to share custody then don't.
                        Oh boy.

                        Shared is in the best interest of the kids. Stay child focused.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Oh boy.

                          Shared is in the best interest of the kids. Stay child focused.
                          With all due respect, the courts don't agree and I can honestly say that I don't agree. I would agree that it is if all the elements in place but its not an absolute.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                            Emotionally - i suggest you check out talkaboutmarriage.com
                            Do a 180, detach, its all business from here on in.

                            -What are the living arrangements?
                            -Is her job flexible, can she pick up the kids like you can etc?
                            -I suggest you file for sole custody with GENEROUS access rights to her.
                            -She can have 50/50 in the summer for example

                            Then this is what you do,
                            -You get CS + SS; which means she is basically working to support you and the kids and gets to keep the what she needs to live. You can use mysupportcalculator.ca to evaluate.
                            -This will persist for the next 5-10 years
                            -Focus on keeping it going till the last kid is out of university - which is reasonable considering the SSAG.
                            -Ask to be able to go to school or recycle/upgrade your skills - choose something like lawyer or another 3 year program. After that is done you can have a change of heart if you feel llike it.
                            -The financial support system is fully socialized in divorce - she gets NO benefit from working except that after the kids are out of university she'll still (maybe) earning her wage and you''ll have to live off investments or something.
                            -For the next 5 years, travel was much as you can because you don't have the requirement of a full-time job. Once the 5 year time is up, start working part-time; consulting or something perhaps - be selective/risky
                            -The system might start to put pressure, plead that sole custody requires you to flexible etc...
                            -10 years later hopefully you'll have something cushy and you'lll best.
                            -Take your EGO, emotions and throw them out the truck.

                            If she has any reason not to share custody then don't.
                            If you are going to take the advice of this poster, you better read some of his other threads. I am sure Links could help you become just as paranoid as him!

                            Stay child focused, ask questions on this forum, but also know when to weed out BS posters and when to listen to more experienced ones.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              research case law for SAHM for 10yr marriages at at age of 50, with 100k income and see what you get. canlii.ca is your friend/

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                laughagain:

                                The good news is that you're eligible for CS and SS. The problem is just that in a contested divorce, it takes a while to get it setup and in place.

                                You need a financial plan to get you through until you can get that interim agreement. You also need to start doing a little career planning and thinking about how you can get back into the workforce.

                                I highly agree with the other posters who told you to stay child focused....that really is the most important thing. Shared custody is what you should be working towards because its best for the children and its really best for you when you head back to work. (Ignore the posters who have issues...you don't want to end up like that and more importantly your kids deserve from their dad).

                                Its a tough time right now and will be for the next year or two...so try to get prepared and not panic too much. There's no point in panicking and truthfully its pointless. If you stay in your home, keep taking care of the kids and have a backup plan for your finances...there isn't a lot she can do to pull the rug out from under you. She's going to have to pay you support period....but as I said, it won't happen right away.

                                You're probably going to have a time of in-home separation which can just be really hard and you're going to want to read the threads on the forum which show you how to protect yourself in the home.

                                I really hope that you guys end up having an amicable divorce but hope for the best and plan for the worst.

                                If I could tell you anything, its that it will get better with time. Hang in there.

                                Comment

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