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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #41  
Old 04-17-2019, 09:41 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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What does she want actually? Your fiancé to contact kid- give money? Is kid2 copied on the email?

Can he reach out to Kid2 directly?
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  #42  
Old 04-17-2019, 09:45 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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That’s the thing. Her only request was one he agrees to every year with no issue. The email has zero important details like costs, expected deadlines, accommodations, program of study etc. The only information she gave, he knew about a few weeks ago from his parents.

Neither kid talks to him. He’s been sending emails and texts and is ignored. Kid doesn’t want him knowing anything and the ex in the past has played the “entitled to privacy” card.

They have a sc coming up so either she is doing this as a check mark for that “I share info” or she’s just being petty to show he has no power over info.
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  #43  
Old 04-17-2019, 10:13 AM
momof2teenboys momof2teenboys is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
That’s the thing. Her only request was one he agrees to every year with no issue. The email has zero important details like costs, expected deadlines, accommodations, program of study etc. The only information she gave, he knew about a few weeks ago from his parents.

Neither kid talks to him. He’s been sending emails and texts and is ignored. Kid doesn’t want him knowing anything and the ex in the past has played the “entitled to privacy” card.

They have a sc coming up so either she is doing this as a check mark for that “I share info” or she’s just being petty to show he has no power over info.

I think an appropriate response would be -

"Yes I agree with your request regarding xxx. For anything additional please provide costs, expected deadlines, accommodations, programs of study etc as soon as possible. "


I'd also be tempted to add something about the texts and emails to the child regarding these decisions being ignored. If the child wants him to contribute they should be sending him updates at the very least.
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  #44  
Old 04-17-2019, 10:27 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by momof2teenboys View Post
I'd also be tempted to add something about the texts and emails to the child regarding these decisions being ignored. If the child wants him to contribute they should be sending him updates at the very least.

That’s the worst part. The supreme court says he has to pay. Hasn’t spoken to him voluntarily in five years but now he has to contribute thousands to education costs.

This whole thing is being discussed at the sc. Why wouldn’t she say: in advance of our upcoming appearance, I wanted to advise that kid will be attending x school this fall in y program. It is a four year degree and kid expects to live in residence. At this point we estimate expenses to be z based on the website and materials received. Kid has been working full time and expects to contribute 1/3 of the costs.” Or something to that effect. I expect she has not said that as she disagrees with how much the kids have to contribute. Unfortunately for them the leading case law is Lewi. They choose programs living away from home. That means they pay more!
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  #45  
Old 04-17-2019, 10:39 AM
momof2teenboys momof2teenboys is offline
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I totally feel for you. I've been dealing with post-secondary issues with my ex for the past 3 years. And now the youngest will be starting university in the fall. I'll have to send him an email once youngest is ready to make his decision (waiting on one more program that sends out offers in May) and his going to be much more expensive than the path the eldest took (university vs college) and he fought every step of the way to pay his share of that - still owes me over $5,000.

I'll likely have to pay up front for everything and then take him to court to force reimbursement. But at least I know that I need to keep him informed, keep the decisions reasonable regarding the cost of the choices, and keep all the receipts. It'll take years....and all lot of unnecessary stress.
The only difference with us is that the boys have managed to keep communication open with their dad. Although neither will discuss money with him - he's exploded on the eldest multiple times and I get the replay in emails so I don't blame them for trying to avoid it.
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  #46  
Old 04-17-2019, 11:19 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof2teenboys View Post
I think an appropriate response would be -

"Yes I agree with your request regarding xxx. For anything additional please provide costs, expected deadlines, accommodations, programs of study etc as soon as possible. "


I'd also be tempted to add something about the texts and emails to the child regarding these decisions being ignored. If the child wants him to contribute they should be sending him updates at the very least.
+1.

ugh. this is all so messy. with requiring costs to be paid absent a relationship with kid(s), etc. I almost feel like if the relationship ceases- all cs should stop too. but i'm saying that from a position where i could still provide absent CS.

I've been banking 80% of CS in a fund for D2, with the intention of using it for post secondary when the time comes...it never even entered into my mind that there would be a fight for this.
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  #47  
Old 04-17-2019, 11:29 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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This thing is stupid and ugly and not because of my partner. He has always paid what he owes, always tried to contribute, always given more than is required and always followed the law. His ex disagrees with everything and has since they split. This entire mess is directly her fault because she refused to accept he was entitled to a share of their 20 years together. Then she taught the kids to hate him because of money.

She has all these spreadsheets of costs but no proof. Every year of the last degree my partner has tried to work with her and with kid on expenses and was ignored. Now the second one is headed to school and he gets no info. Added to that, both attended school away from home when they could have gone to school in their city. They live in travel distance to six different post secondary schools! But they choose to incur and additional ten grand a year to go away. Plus the programs they take are general. They aren’t even in a unique program!! He calculates his cost in line with the law (he has a great lawyer and follows exactly what he says—lawyer said he wishes all his clients and their ex’s were as reasonable) but she disagrees with that too! Says the tax deductions shouldn’t be applied and kid should only have to contribute a couple thousand. Now they are spending thousands on the court process all because the ex plays these games.

It has taken its toll. He keeps saying “she lost in the fall, why do the kids not see that?” I had to explain to him that they see the loss as further victimization. Even though he was right, she plays it as “the judge hates women, he was from the same school as dads lawyer, he didn’t understand, the law is wrong etc”.

Its all so stupid.
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  #48  
Old 04-17-2019, 11:33 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
I've been banking 80% of CS in a fund for D2, with the intention of using it for post secondary when the time comes...it never even entered into my mind that there would be a fight for this.

1. Open a RESP, thats $7000 in grants.
2. Work with kid to choose a program of study with employment opportunities. Spending 60 grand to be unemployed is worthless.
3. Make sure kid knows they have to contribute.

My niece chose to go away. Her parents said if she chose to go away, they would pay her living costs and thats it. She pays the rest. My friends parents paid their tuition and books but they had to stay home. My partner and I paid all our own school costs. I survived $50,000 in loans. Paid them off finally in my 30’s. Its called life. Parents shouldn’t go broke for their own education AND their kids.
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  #49  
Old 04-17-2019, 11:34 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
This thing is stupid and ugly and not because of my partner. He has always paid what he owes, always tried to contribute, always given more than is required and always followed the law. His ex disagrees with everything and has since they split. This entire mess is directly her fault because she refused to accept he was entitled to a share of their 20 years together. Then she taught the kids to hate him because of money.

She has all these spreadsheets of costs but no proof. Every year of the last degree my partner has tried to work with her and with kid on expenses and was ignored. Now the second one is headed to school and he gets no info. Added to that, both attended school away from home when they could have gone to school in their city. They live in travel distance to six different post secondary schools! But they choose to incur and additional ten grand a year to go away. Plus the programs they take are general. They aren’t even in a unique program!! He calculates his cost in line with the law (he has a great lawyer and follows exactly what he says—lawyer said he wishes all his clients and their ex’s were as reasonable) but she disagrees with that too! Says the tax deductions shouldn’t be applied and kid should only have to contribute a couple thousand. Now they are spending thousands on the court process all because the ex plays these games.

It has taken its toll. He keeps saying “she lost in the fall, why do the kids not see that?” I had to explain to him that they see the loss as further victimization. Even though he was right, she plays it as “the judge hates women, he was from the same school as dads lawyer, he didn’t understand, the law is wrong etc”.

Its all so stupid.
that is brutal. he can't even let go- because there are big giant fish hooks in him dragging him back.

the thing that is so brutal about the family law system is that usually one party is just in it for the ride- no matter how reasonable, no matter how much compromise one is willing to give- all it takes is for the other side to say "nope"- and off you go.

hats effing off to the self reps out there.
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  #50  
Old 04-17-2019, 11:36 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
that is brutal. he can't even let go- because there are big giant fish hooks in him dragging him back.



the thing that is so brutal about the family law system is that usually one party is just in it for the ride- no matter how reasonable, no matter how much compromise one is willing to give- all it takes is for the other side to say "nope"- and off you go.



hats effing off to the self reps out there.


Lol his ex was self repped and got smacked by the judge.

He sees a therapist to help with this. Some days are harder than others.
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