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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 05-28-2019, 07:46 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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Default Dealing with insanity!!!

I'm at a loss and could use some outside feedback. I've been placed in a position from my ex. She's promised a car to our middle daughter and I was asked to sign over the car to her. This was after trying to have the car transferred over to my ex's name for over a year. I had already signed it over to my ex prior to her request. I was advised that signed the car over to our daughter could prejudice me in future court proceedings, so I was very reluctant. I was about to detach the plates from the car (in an effort to get it into her name... as they had been driving the car for about 6 months with expired stickers). Prior to me detaching the plates, I asked my ex to sign a piece of paper stating this wouldn't inhibit her or prejudice me now or in the future (and signed with lawyers)... she said NO. Now ALL 3 of my daughters won't talk to me, return my texts, converse, etc... with me or my family. I'm beyond confused as to how I'm being blamed for something I didn't promise and couldn't do without protecting myself. We are divorced and going through the sale of the matrimonial home. I've gone into great debt trying to solve things with my ex (who keeps sticking her head in the sand, praying that I just go away). Following the uncontested divorce (as she wouldn't acknowledge anything), she's coming after me for a TON of money, planning on moving away with my daughter, over 3 hours away and not letting me know. This feels like EXTREME ALIENATION AND MANIPULATION on her part, but don't want to jump to any conclusions. If anyone has any insight, I would be happy to hear anything and everything. I just want to have a relationship with my daughters.
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  #2  
Old 05-28-2019, 07:51 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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if you already signed the car over to your ex then its no longer yours. Your ex can sign the car over to your daughter.
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Old 05-28-2019, 08:53 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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How do you deal with it? You take a deep breath and get a thicker skin. This is called emotional blackmail. Your kids are hostages. You tell your ex you are signing the car over to her and what she does from there is her business. Then you tell her that it is unhealthy and inappropriate to involve the kids in it. You tell your kids (repeatedly if necessary) that this matter is between you and their mom and their mother should not be involving them.

Then you put them all on ignore unless they speak to your respectfully.

Your kids can be angry with you now but eventually they will see through their mothers games. They cannot act in a true and honest fashion because they are obligated to do what your ex wants.
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Old 05-28-2019, 09:01 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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I've basically done this! I've gone and had the plates detached from the vehicle and let them know it was done (so they can't blame me for just doing it and not saying anything). The emotional blackmail from my ex is beyond normal and has almost come to criminal (if PAS was a criminal offense). I'm doing my best to gain thicker skin and maintain strength, but with all 4 of them on me and blaming me for everything going on in their lives... the disrespect, accusatory and ignorant attitudes it's hard to stay strong. I would so love for all my daughter's to see and read half the stuff their mother has done to open their eyes, but they don't want to hear it. They don't want to acknowledge that their mother has been weak, childish and lost her mind. I've been demonized and forced out of their lives with lies told by their mother. It's been a life long learned lesson, as her mother managed to successfully alienate 2 ex husbands from their children over the years. I can only pray that my children won't fall into the same trap their grandmother has done to her own children (and doesn't even realize it). Thank you all for your feedback thus far.
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Old 05-28-2019, 09:03 AM
gettingexpensive gettingexpensive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired_Dad View Post
Following the uncontested divorce (as she wouldn't acknowledge anything), she's coming after me for a TON of money, planning on moving away with my daughter, over 3 hours away and not letting me know.
Huh? How does this work? I thought that uncontested meant that you get what you want. Why is she coming after you after the fact? Is that even allowed?


I agree with rockscan. Sign the car over the your ex-wife. Tell the kids it's up to mom to decide.
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Old 05-28-2019, 09:22 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Then you put them on ignore. Tell them that you will not discuss this further with them. Continue to assert that this is between you and their mother and if you need to, you hang up. Yes you will go through a period of not speaking but having a toxic relationship is unhealthy for both of you.

Go and speak to a therapist to learn how to set boundaries. As long as you continue to listen to it and give them an ear, they will continue to do it.
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Old 05-28-2019, 09:24 AM
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I presume the concern is that if he gives the car to the ex, it would be part of equalization, but if he gives the car to the kid then it is a gift for which he gets no credit.

If I was the ex I would not agree to the car counting for equalization either. The optics would be "dad gave me the car" when in reality because it counted as mom's asset then really mom gave the entire car.

Mom has probably phrased it as "Dad refuses to give you the car which leads to..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired_Dad View Post
EXTREME ALIENATION AND MANIPULATION
but..

Quote:
but don't want to jump to any conclusions.
Sounds like you've jumped to at least one

Quote:
If anyone has any insight, I would be happy to hear anything and everything. I just want to have a relationship with my daughters.
You say ex is moving away, that is something to fight. It sounds like kids are living with ex though so it is a fight you will probably lose.

How much is this car worth? How much is that with respect to your income? It may be worth just signing it over to the daughter. That said, if you hardly have any parenting time, the car won't help much. Ask rockscan, giving to the kids doesn't always lead to gratitude.
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Old 05-28-2019, 10:07 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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I understand and hate jumping to conclusions, but I don't know what else to think at this point. The car aspect has been dealt with. The ex has placed it in her name at this point, so I believe the damage has already been done. I'm just curious why my daughters can't see that this was something their mother had promised, not me. Why should I take all the heat for something I didn't do? If they will eventually wake up from this and see it for what it is, then I will bide my time and wait for them (sending messages from time to time, to let them know that I'm still here and want them in my life). It's just very disappointing that my daughters are unable to see everything for what it is and not what's being said. They are extremely intelligent young ladies. In regards to the moving away... nothing has been discussed with me, I'm just hearing things through the grape vine. Can she just quit her job, take my daughter and move 3 hours away without any heads up, communication? She would be leaving her other 2 daughters in the area, to move in with her boyfriend. Due to my daughters being so angry at me, I can see them doing this out of spite and anger (but will eventually regret it and cause emotional damage). Would it be wrong of me to just tell her to take me to court if she's coming after me for spousal support (or lump sum buy out)? I have enough documentation to prove all these points and am hoping that a judge may force some mental evaluation, therapy, etc... Sorry for the rambling on. Not sleeping the greatest these days.
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Old 05-28-2019, 10:19 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tired_Dad View Post
I understand and hate jumping to conclusions, but I don't know what else to think at this point. The car aspect has been dealt with. The ex has placed it in her name at this point, so I believe the damage has already been done. I'm just curious why my daughters can't see that this was something their mother had promised, not me. Why should I take all the heat for something I didn't do?
Because your ex wants to punish you. She will use the kids to do it. Remember: I love my kids but I hate my ex more.

Quote:
If they will eventually wake up from this and see it for what it is, then I will bide my time and wait for them (sending messages from time to time, to let them know that I'm still here and want them in my life).
Best plan. They will see it. Dealing with a toxic parent who is full of hate is exhausting and depressing. On her deathbed my mother tried to rationalize her behaviour and I told her she was wrong to do it.

Quote:
It's just very disappointing that my daughters are unable to see everything for what it is and not what's being said. They are extremely intelligent young ladies.
Look up Stockholm Syndrome. Then remind yourself they are hostages. If anything feel pity for them but protect your own emotional health. As long as you allow them to treat you badly, you empower their mother. Ignore it, in time they will see it.

Quote:
Due to my daughters being so angry at me, I can see them doing this out of spite and anger (but will eventually regret it and cause emotional damage).
This could be a good thing. Being away from her daily toxicity they may communicate more and in a healthy way. Keep letting them know you are there, they are welcome and they are free to live with you or come to you.

Quote:
Would it be wrong of me to just tell her to take me to court if she's coming after me for spousal support (or lump sum buy out)? I have enough documentation to prove all these points and am hoping that a judge may force some mental evaluation, therapy, etc... Sorry for the rambling on. Not sleeping the greatest these days.

None of this “proof” means anything. If she wants to come after you, she will. If she doesnt have a legit claim she will lose.

Go and get some therapy. It was the best thing for my husband. It broke through his feeling he deserved to be beaten down by his kids. He is much healthier now and sees the bs for what it is. Yes they don’t speak to him but they are still enmeshed in their mothers lies. He focuses on his health and overall well being. He does things he enjoys. He gets enough sleep. He sees a future. You need some help. Go get it!
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  #10  
Old 05-28-2019, 01:45 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Why was your ex, and presumably daughter, driving around in a vehicle with expired stickers for 6 months? Your ex had possession of the vehicle for 6 months and would likely be assigned the vehicle through equalization (possession is often 9/10th of the law in these situations). Who and what sort of "advice" was given to you? IF given by your lawyer - get another lawyer. Advice given to you was wrong and only ended up in inciting further disruption between you and your ex (lawyers like ongoing disputes between divorcing people... adds to their billable hours).
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