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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 05-28-2019, 02:00 PM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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She had possession of the vehicle for over 1.5 years. I had paid for the first years stickers (to be nice and keep the peace) and asked her to take the ownership into her name (I even offered to pay for a solicitor to have it legally transferred with a spousal swap paperwork). I asked her, the mediator had it in their report (when we tried mediation once) and my lawyer asked her to deal with it... she wouldn't. Once I found out the ramifications of them driving a car with expired stickers (insurance wouldn't cover). My ex (or daughter) could have been held accountable for any liabilities if anything were to happen (hit someone, crashed into a building, etc...). All my equity and future money could have been eaten away in a civil suit. I couldn't risk it and had no choice but to do what I did. This was caused by pure avoidance.
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  #12  
Old 05-28-2019, 02:17 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Then stop beating yourself up about it. Your response to your ex is “how you deal with this issue is not my problem, you have had more than enough time to change it” and you put her on ignore.

As for your kids “your safety and security is my priority and having you drive around in an uninsured car is unsafe and illegal. Your mother can choose to break the law but I will not.”

And you put them on ignore too.

Your kids are also sounding very self entitled and looking to blame you for their own refusal to take responsibility. When my parents split there were plenty of instances where my mother would wring her hands and rave against my father. Our response was “bitching doesn’t solve the problem, we need to fix it ourselves” and we did. When she pulled this at their last court date we told her if she continued to behave the way she did she would lose us too. Your kids need to a) grow up; b) pull their heads out of their asses; and c) start standing up to their mother. Getting them to do that is not your job.
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  #13  
Old 05-28-2019, 05:55 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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thanks for clarification

I'd give her 10 days to sort it out. Failing that pick up the car and put it on a lot and sell it.
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  #14  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:20 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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Thank you all for your feedback! I'll continue down my path in hopes this all gets cleared up soon. I can only pray this doesn't take years. Good luck to everyone out there.
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:47 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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rocksan and arabian have given really good advice.

but I just wanted to point out something I noticed in your responses...it seems like you REALLY want your daughters to wise up to their moms antics...and by some of the stuff you've said- it seems like you've asked them to do this. Like "they just don't want to listen/ see who their mom really is..." and that seems like the wrong tactic. Of course they don't want to believe their mom is wrong. Asking them to see that is putting them in the conflict. I could be wrong- but that's the vibe I'm picking up from your posts.
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  #16  
Old 05-29-2019, 10:56 AM
gettingexpensive gettingexpensive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
but I just wanted to point out something I noticed in your responses...it seems like you REALLY want your daughters to wise up to their moms antics...and by some of the stuff you've said- it seems like you've asked them to do this. Like "they just don't want to listen/ see who their mom really is..." and that seems like the wrong tactic. Of course they don't want to believe their mom is wrong. Asking them to see that is putting them in the conflict. I could be wrong- but that's the vibe I'm picking up from your posts.
From a different point of view: I discovered how CAS was useless in my case. Everyone I spoke to (VCU, VWAP, child doctor, psychologists, police, ..) said that they couldn't help and told me to go to court ASAP to get custody / limit visitation. Well this takes time... and in the meantime my kids were vulnerable. So I worked with the psychologist to make sure that the kids:
- go visit for themselves, and not to please mom
- tell mom when there is something they don't like or don't want to talk about something
- stand up for themselves and not be bullied around.

This has helped them tremendously. But they find it difficult. However they'll have to deal with their mom for the rest of their life so they might as well get used to it.

It helped, but the kids are still walking on eggshells with their mom. And they are afraid of her but they forget fast... a few days of "hey mom seems to be doing great" and it's mostly forgotten... but the fear remains and it comes back fast. My youngest one was sick and I had to pick him up at school. He told me "I was afraid they would call mom!" when I picked him up.
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  #17  
Old 05-29-2019, 11:12 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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I was an alienated kid. I can tell you exactly how it feels. I remember what it did to me emotionally and physically. I have spent years in therapy as a result of the depression and anxiety.

You cannot tell a child to stop believing what someone says. Nothing you say or do will work. You have to wait until they are old enough and away from the situation for them to even start the process.

I strongly encourage you to read the book “A Family’s Heartbreak” by Mike Jeffries. It is from a dads point of view with a psychologist. He has reconnected with his son after many years of alienation (I think kid was 11 when it started) and his book helped me understand where it came from, and my husband to understand why it happened.
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  #18  
Old 05-29-2019, 11:30 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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Thank you again for your feedback. To clarify, I've done my best to keep their mother out of our conversations. I've even tried to promote their mother to them.. it respectful ways. I've just tried to point out the facts, truth and my position. Every time I try to finalize something with their mother, there's almost immediate retaliation from my daughters... not my ex. It's all been through emails or texts (which is extremely hard for me to gaze upon). I'm not kicking their mother to the curb, just trying to move on with my life. I've spent the last 2.5 years, paying off the family debt, child support (not a complaint, just a fact), legal fees and pay my own way. I don't make a ton of money and have shown this to my ex (who refuses to see the facts of life). I can't form a life of my own when I'm sitting on a ton of debt. As soon as the house is sold I can clear up the debt and start looking for a home for myself (and hopefully my children at some point...even if it's just to visit). My relationship with my children may have to be put on hold until we clear up this last portion (as this will flare the temper of my ex and they, unfortunately, reap the results of that).
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  #19  
Old 05-29-2019, 11:46 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Dont even bother saying anything to them anymore. You dont need to defend yourself. Speak to a therapist. It was the best thing my husband did to help him manage his conversations and his feelings. His one daughter would call him up to scream at him every time his ex was mad. As soon as he set boundaries those calls stopped.
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