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  • #16
    If she PUNCHED you directly in the face, you might recognize it as abuse sooner.

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    • #17
      Wow, thanks a lot everyone, there is some really good advice in these posts for sure. I have actually come very close to moving out but everyone tells me to stay until the house is sold which is what I intend to do. If she wants to move out I'm fine with that but I'm not leaving.

      I have started documenting everything that happens and I often sit there and read over the instances just to remind me how bad things have been.

      All I want is equal time with the kids.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Teddie View Post

        All I want is equal time with the kids.
        Make sure you focus any positive energy you have ( you might have to dig it out) on your children and spend as much time with them as possible.
        Your ex will kick herself later in life when she's alone and no one cares for her!
        Just remember you have your kids, they will love you unconditionally... that's how I look at my breakup with my ex
        I know my child will love me for me and will forgive and forget any mistakes I have made. I can be myself with my child and that itself is all the love I need right now!!
        Instead of being with someone (ex) who doesn't love me for me His loss!

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        • #19
          Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
          Make sure you focus any positive energy you have ( you might have to dig it out) on your children and spend as much time with them as possible.
          Your ex will kick herself later in life when she's alone and no one cares for her!
          Just remember you have your kids, they will love you unconditionally... that's how I look at my breakup with my ex
          I know my child will love me for me and will forgive and forget any mistakes I have made. I can be myself with my child and that itself is all the love I need right now!!
          Instead of being with someone (ex) who doesn't love me for me His loss!
          Good advice, I really try and spend as much time with the kids as I can...although somedays I don't really have a choice since she doesn't always come home when she should.

          I don't know what I did to deserve all this bs; I'm not perfect but I'm also not deserving of this. She seems to think situations like this are normal!!

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          • #20
            you didn't do anything to deserve this. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Don't even think about it, you will never find a reason because there isn't one.

            Reading over the past is helpful when you start to question your decisions. But try not to get wrapped up in them. You need to move forward and think about your future and how you will make a good one for your kids. Good Luck!

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            • #21
              Originally posted by billiechic View Post
              you didn't do anything to deserve this. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Don't even think about it, you will never find a reason because there isn't one.

              Reading over the past is helpful when you start to question your decisions. But try not to get wrapped up in them. You need to move forward and think about your future and how you will make a good one for your kids. Good Luck!
              Thanks Billiechic!

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Teddie View Post
                I don't know what I did to deserve all this bs; I'm not perfect but I'm also not deserving of this. She seems to think situations like this are normal!!
                That's right, no one deserves to be treated as a door mat. She keeps doing this because she knows you won't do anything about it.... until you finally do and stand up on your own two feet and tell her enough is enough.
                Don't know how you forgave her (Im sure it was really hard) and let her back in your life for the sake of the children.
                But, her behaviour is unacceptable, if she wants to be with someone else, then so be it but to keep running back to you because she knows she can, is not healthly for anyone!
                Her behaviour will start to effect the children, and that's one way to look at it to help you through this.
                Focus on your children, document everytime she doesn't come home or let you know.

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                • #23
                  in the original post she said she spent the night because she "was held against her will" HMM some one does that to me there is no hope in hell I would ever meet up with them again.

                  You are her fall back guy.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                    Just remember you have your kids, they will love you unconditionally... that's how I look at my breakup with my ex
                    I know my child will love me for me and will forgive and forget any mistakes I have made.
                    That's the ticket. I'm feeling warm all over reading that, truthfully

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                      That's the ticket. I'm feeling warm all over reading that, truthfully
                      Wow, did I hit a soft spot?
                      lol

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                        Wow, did I hit a soft spot?
                        lol
                        lol.......yep!
                        Even the toughest dudes have soft spots

                        You don't have to move out of the house to move on.
                        Do it in your head first.

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                        • #27
                          I have been lurking (and learning) for a while now, but your post prompted me to finally register and add my hard-won insights.

                          A number of things I have learned from my own eerily similar situation:

                          First of all, your wife is a liar and a manipulator. She has proven this, and has lost your trust. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt in anything, even if you think it probably is true. You can't afford to believe a word she says, you can only go by her past actions as predictors. She's not being held against her will. I have had to mentally smack myself a bunch of times about things my ex says; it's an ingrained habit to believe him, and I have to overcome it. But don't waste your anger on her. It won't change anything, and it drains your energy and strength. Getting mad just puts her on the defensive, and, frankly, makes her more secretive and better able to string you along. Just shrug off her absences, and she will be gone more and more often, for longer times, and you will be more likely to get the kids and the house. Give her the freedom to go, and she will take it. Although you may have to sell the house and buy a smaller one.

                          Because, yes, your marriage is over, and no, you are not the one to end it. Don't feel guilty, just feel sad. You may be the one to initiate the divorce, but she is the one who ended the marriage and made that divorce necessary. You gave it a valiant effort, more than she deserved, but it ultimately failed because of her, not you.

                          She threatens and manipulates, and feels entitled because she has herself convinced that she is in the right, and turns things around on you to assuage her own feelings of guilt, as well as to cross her fingers that she doesn’t come out of this with nothing. The best liars are lying to themselves first.

                          I gather that the default starting point for divorces is shared custody, equal split of net assets, child support based on income and custody time, basically a bunch of standard stuff that sounds equal in principle but is hardly fair to anyone, especially the kids, in practice. Yes, you may end up shelling out money, to lawyers and to her, but this is one of those 'can't put a price on peace of mind' kind of things. And from the sound of your situation, it seems highly unlikely she'd end up with sole custody of the kids, so that's just an empty threat designed to scare and manipulate you.

                          You are not stressing her out with talk of divorce. She is stressing herself out by trying to maintain her affair and marriage at the same time. She has become self-absorbed and self-focused, and will not see what slow damage this is doing to the children. They are now your priority as they are innocent in all of this. The marriage is beyond saving at this point (because of HER actions), so now you have to be the one to minimize the damage its ending will cause them. Don’t badmouth her to them, but tell them she's not as around as much because she's busy, and be the stability in their lives they will need so badly. In the long run, they will be better off for being parented by a father who isn't angry and hurt and distracted all the time. So you must unburden yourself of the source of that anger and pain.

                          I spent a long time agonizing "why is he still doing this to me when he says he still loves me!??!" and the answer was simple: "I was letting him."

                          You may find, as I did, that once she calms down, she is surprisingly willing to negotiate the issues when the focus becomes the children, and how best to minimize the impact on them. Letting the live in the same home with the parent they've been around the most in recent months is the best way to do that, and she should be able to see that eventually. Her issues are with you, and no doubt she still loves the children and wants the best for them.

                          No, you didn't do anything to deserve this BS, this is all her failings, and selfish inability to be a decent human being. And I don't think much of this friend of yours either; hopefully you've stopped associating with him! And you can't change her with a time machine either; the best that would do for you would be for you to go back and try to convince yourself to end things sooner and save yourself a lot of heartache. But would you believe yourself? I wouldn't have.

                          Situations like this are not normal, she just wishes it was! Then she could have her cake and eat it too. And the one who suffers to pay for that is you.

                          She may still look like your wife, and act like her sometimes, but don't be fooled. Yes, you may feel that you still love your wife, but she is no longer that person. I still miss my real husband, but I don't know where he went and I'm not giving this evil man who looks just like him any more moments from my life when I can be mourning and moving on.

                          Definitely keep a record of as much as you can. I look back on my lengthy diatribes, and can honestly say I am in a better place now that I am no longer fighting a futile battle to make things work out. There are so many teamwork type environments where you can still be successful overall even if one person isn't pulling their weight, but a relationship simply isn't one of them. And those records may be useful someday to document how you made the children your focus when she was absent.

                          Single parenthood is challenging, but every time things get tough, I tell myself "it's still better than being lied to by the person you're supposed to be able to trust most in the world." And it is.

                          Good luck to you. Let go of her, both the current anger and the memory of love, and you will find reserves of patience you never knew you had. You will be the better person for it, and a better role model to your children too.

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                          • #28
                            Wow Rioe, that has to be the best "first post" I've read here. You are very thoughtful and well spoken. Perhaps I'm seeing my situation in there somewhere, if not exactly, then substantially.

                            As for tug and spirit, well, yeah, soft spot was hit

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