What to do if Unable to Cope.

[Teddie]

Back in September I discovered my wife of 7 years was having an affair with my friend. Like every married couple we had problems but we always managed them and had a good life together. A few months prior to her affair we had many stressful changes in our lives, new home, new neighborhood, new school and daycare for our 2 kids and she started working full time with some shift work.

My wife has been dating the other guy ever since but we have still been living under the same roof. I find it's been very hard living with her as I think we both miss each other sometimes. The new guy is extremely jealous of the fact that we still live together and is upset at the fact that he is not allowed on our property or in our home....I think he's unrealistic, why would I want him in our house? The new guy is also more financially stable than I am and has replaced almost everything I have ever purchased her with something more expensive. It makes me sad to look around the house and see things I have bought her go unused because they have been replaced. I have always worked hard for my money whereas this guy lives off money I think he may have inherited years ago.

I went through many different emotions, at first anger, then sadness, then I accepted things, and now, for the last couple of months I'm just wasting away. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I have given up all my hobbies, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up. I've gone to a counsellor and it hasn't helped. All I do is come home, spend time with the kids and do what I need to do (laundry, dishes etc) then I go to bed. If she's home in the evening, some nights she'll pack up some clothes and say goodbye and leave to sleep at his house....which is very sad for me.

We just started seeing a marriage counsellor but I really don't think it will help as she seems so involved with this guy. She says she wants us to be back together but refuses to give up the other guy...which even our cousellor says is necessary to rectify things.

Anyhow, just felt like writing this out would help but it hasn't...haha I just feel like a part of me has died with what has happened. I have never been depressed and have always been a happy/fun loving guy but now I never laugh, smile or anything. How do people get through things like this when counselling doesn't help and you don't have friends you can necessarily trust?

[tugofwar]

Try getting your own counselling. I found it helped me alot with issues. It's hard to see someone you loved so much and built a life with, just throw it out the window in a flash second.
You are going to go thru alot of emotions. Stay focused on your children. Grab a few friends and get out for awhile.
You will probably have to let her go. This is what it looks like she wants. Is this guy really in love with her?
I have no idea how you can do this while you are all living under the same roof. Is it affecting the children? Do they know what's going on.

[Teddie]

I think the new guy is obssessed with her and sometimes I think he see's it as a competition between him and I even though it's not. We were friends prior to this so he knows the kind of person I am but now he constantly puts me down to my ex for no apparent reason. I don't know if he really loves her....he definitely treats her poorly from what I have seen.

It's been very hard being under the same roof and I have thought of leaving and moving in with my parents but I think I'm better off staying until this is settled. My oldest son is 10 and he has figured out what is going on which is sad. My ex has gotten him and the guy to spend time together but I told her I thought it was way too early for that. My son doesn't seem to be affected too much but I know it bothers him.

Try getting your own counselling. I found it helped me alot with issues. It's hard to see someone you loved so much and built a life with, just throw it out the window in a flash second.
You are going to go thru alot of emotions. Stay focused on your children. Grab a few friends and get out for awhile.
You will probably have to let her go. This is what it looks like she wants. Is this guy really in love with her?
I have no idea how you can do this while you are all living under the same roof. Is it affecting the children? Do they know what's going on.

[billiechic]

DON"T leave until you have something in writing. If you do you will lose any chance of having custody, and a good chance at joint custody. Do your best to get an agreement signed ASAP.

[Teddie]

Your right, that's why I have stayed; I've heard that I'll shoot myself in the foot if I leave. That is definitely good advice regarding getting the agreement asap. I think her and I have dragged our feet for far too long. I think the longer we wait, the more our original verbal agreement will change before it goes onto paper.

DON"T leave until you have something in writing. If you do you will lose any chance of having custody, and a good chance at joint custody. Do your best to get an agreement signed ASAP.

[billiechic]

YUp, and whatever you are currently exercising becomes the status quo. Even if it works out that you have more time with the kids as it is, this sharing a house is not healthy for anyone. You've said that your oldest is being affected.

Approach your ex with the concerns that this is negatively impacting the kids and that they need to see each parent as happy and comfortable. Who knows, maybe she will agree? If you can come to agreement now it will be much cheaper than going to court. The longer you sit on it, the more likely it will get ugly.

[Teddie]

Yep, it has become the status quo and it is definitely not a healthy situation for anyone. Also, I am seeing that the longer this goes on the more her ideas of , "how things should be" have been changing. It has started to become a situation where my life is not important and the world revolves around what her and the boyfriend want.

YUp, and whatever you are currently exercising becomes the status quo. Even if it works out that you have more time with the kids as it is, this sharing a house is not healthy for anyone. You've said that your oldest is being affected.

Approach your ex with the concerns that this is negatively impacting the kids and that they need to see each parent as happy and comfortable. Who knows, maybe she will agree? If you can come to agreement now it will be much cheaper than going to court. The longer you sit on it, the more likely it will get ugly.

[dadtotheend]

Try getting your own counselling.

Wise words.

[wretchedotis]

Back in September I discovered my wife of 7 years was having an affair with my friend. Like every married couple we had problems but we always managed them and had a good life together. A few months prior to her affair we had many stressful changes in our lives, new home, new neighborhood, new school and daycare for our 2 kids and she started working full time with some shift work.

My wife has been dating the other guy ever since but we have still been living under the same roof. I find it's been very hard living with her as I think we both miss each other sometimes. The new guy is extremely jealous of the fact that we still live together and is upset at the fact that he is not allowed on our property or in our home....I think he's unrealistic, why would I want him in our house? The new guy is also more financially stable than I am and has replaced almost everything I have ever purchased her with something more expensive. It makes me sad to look around the house and see things I have bought her go unused because they have been replaced. I have always worked hard for my money whereas this guy lives off money I think he may have inherited years ago.

I went through many different emotions, at first anger, then sadness, then I accepted things, and now, for the last couple of months I'm just wasting away. I don't enjoy anything anymore, I have given up all my hobbies, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up. I've gone to a counsellor and it hasn't helped. All I do is come home, spend time with the kids and do what I need to do (laundry, dishes etc) then I go to bed. If she's home in the evening, some nights she'll pack up some clothes and say goodbye and leave to sleep at his house....which is very sad for me.

We just started seeing a marriage counsellor but I really don't think it will help as she seems so involved with this guy. She says she wants us to be back together but refuses to give up the other guy...which even our cousellor says is necessary to rectify things.

Anyhow, just felt like writing this out would help but it hasn't...haha I just feel like a part of me has died with what has happened. I have never been depressed and have always been a happy/fun loving guy but now I never laugh, smile or anything. How do people get through things like this when counselling doesn't help and you don't have friends you can necessarily trust?

It may not seem it, but I think the exercise of writing it out is helpful. So is talking about it. Seek peer suppoet, prefessional support, etc.
Make yourself get back involved in your hobbies. Join a new club. Who knows, maybe you'll even meet a girl there that makes her look the ex look less substantial.

I remember how much it hurt, as I went through a very similar situation. Living together while she dates is just no fun at all.
You will get through this. Take it one day at a time and talk to whoever will listen. In fact, you want to PM me, feel free.

[quizer]

Don't hang on to a thread of hope that you will get back together again.You have to look at it that its over.Accept it and move on.I no thats hard.
I was drepresses as you.Went to conselling 3 times with no help.I was lucky i had a friend that went through it and he was my support.I opened up to him and talked to him everyday for about 3 months.Go buy this book called Mars and Venus Starting over.The author is John Gray.This book helped me tremensily.It will show you what your going through and why your a normal person with a broken heart.It gave me comfort.My wife of 23yrs had an affair on me and went to live with this guy just like that.Boom what a shock.Never once said to me we got marraige problems, nothing.

[emotional devastation]

settle soon

my marriage ended in 98 really when i think back and we hung on til 2006

and its still not over and the only one that will suffer is you

one day as kids get older they will spend more time with him and then next thing they will hate you

believe me what happen to me my kids hate me now for not settling and i just stood by on sidelines suffering with deprresion and all

now i am heading into bankruptcy all because i did nto settle right away

i got all messed up emotionally and i still am

let go before its too late