What should I ask for?

[XeraRose]

Hi all, I'm new, looking for advice..

My question is: if your spouse asked you what they needed to change to save the relationship, what would you have asked for? What changes would you have needed to see to stay?

History:

My husband and I have been separated 3 months now. We have two young (very young!!) children together, and I have one from a previous relationship, who lives full time with me. My husband was the one who moved out, voluntarily, but since our relationship broke down, he has been in individual counselling, made some changes (that even I can see, friends of ours say he has been transformed!) in how he behaves, in how he communicates with me.. He has asked me to tell him what he needs to do before I will take him back. He is willing to do anything I ask, he says.

I've already decided that I want him to take parenting classes, specifically for blended families (if we can find them), and I want couples counselling. But is there anything I'm missing? And what topics should we be talking about? Is there anything you wished you talked about before you married? That you could have talked about before your marriage broke?

I'm interested in saving this relationship.. for a number of reasons. But my trust has been broken, and I'm not sure how we can fix this.

Oh, and our relationship didn't break down because of infidelity, fyi.

[tugofwar]

Well, there's no reason not to give it another chance. I think you did the right thing by asking to go to counselling together. Im sure if you are both open to the idea then it could do your relationship a whole lot of good!
It's always worth the try. Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage and you have taken the first steps to seek help.
As far as him saying he will do anything you ask- don't expect him to change overnight. People say that but in a few weeks,months go back to their regular self.
Just make sure that both of you are happy with yourselves, I find that to be a big mistake couples do. You have to remember to be yourself and not try to please people around you ( that was part of my problem )
Im glad to hear some couples actually trying to do whatever or at least try to work things out!
Good luck and keep us informed!

[blinkandimgone]

I've already decided that I want him to take parenting classes, specifically for blended families

I would make that a WE thing rather than a him thing. Actually, I would make all of it a 'we' thing. It's something you're going to have to do together rather than a list of things you want him to change about himself until he meets your standards.

Ditto what TUg said, communication is the most important thing. Go to counselling - together, have 'open kimono' time where you get to ask/answer each other's questions without anger or judgement at the answers -no arguing, just questions and answers.

Make a point of doing things together, just the two of you where you get to just enjoy each other's company - no talking about the issues, just enjoy.

[standing on the sidelines]

maybe some individual help for yourself to help work on the trust issues??