I was asked this question by Sean in another thread, and thought I'd start a new thread to answer. I'd like to hear what others have to say as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Divorcemanagement
Sasha1 -
What do you think it would take to give you a feeling that you have been heard by the system and validated as a result. I would ask that of anyone who feels similar to you as well
I've really struggled with this (in the 3 or so minutes I've had in the last two days to think about it ), and I don't have a firm, "This'll do it!" kind of answer. My ex is ridiculously irresponsible, a HUGE liar, an alcoholic, a criminal (DUIs), and I've recently found out that he's added cocaine to his life as well. At first, even my lawyer thought I was exaggerating when I said that my ex was drinking and driving again, and I was worried about the kids' safety when in his care. While drunk and beligerent, he'd actually blocked me into a room because I refused to argue with him and he only let me out when he realized I had the portable phone and was going to call the police. He'd threatened to "take" the kids by sneaking them out of the house while I slept. Our bank records showed that he'd been spending literally hundreds of dollars each month on drinking. Still, the lawyer told me that I was likely to be viewed as a vindictive ex if I were to bring up all of this. When I swore to the contents of my affidavit, I took it very seriously; there are no lies, no false or misleading statements at all... My ex's is filled with lies, most of which are easily proven. Yet I was continually told the court looks at us as equal parents with equal rights.
About 5 monthes into the process, my ex smashed his truck to oblivion, nearly killed himself doing it, and received a fourth impaired driving charge.. he was OVER three times the legal limit. He's managed to stall the courts on his criminal charges (which were laid 7 monthes ago now), and has his license back again. In Alberta, when an impaired driving charge is laid, the driver has 21 days licensed, then their license is automatically suspended for 3 monthes. The idea is that it provides incentive for the driver to deal with the courts faster, as the suspension time already 'served' will be deducted from the time the court orders, IF they deal with the charges in that 3 month period. Good idea, and probably effective in some cases, but not in this one. Instead of dealing with it, my ex delayed entering a plea, then failed to appear (resulting in a warrant), and then was able to enter a plea later without being arrested (court screw-up, apparently they overlooked the warrant). Now he's supposed to appear next month, BUT he's since had his license returned to him, because the three monthes have passed. And ironically, the fact that he's licensed again has prompted him to pursue access specifying that he can pick up and drop off the kids himself (as opposed to his parents, who were planning to do so after his charges were laid). And as I said, I now know, but can't prove, that he's cocaine-addicted as well. After all of that, the onus is STILL on me to show that he shouldn't have the same rights as all the NCP out there who aren't addicts and don't drink and drive. After the impaired charges were laid, my lawyer actually said to me, "OK, now you've got recent evidence of his drinking and driving, BUT, can you prove he would do that if he had the kids with him?"!
So what would help me to feel validated and heard by the system? Well, I'd sure like to hear a judge say that he's been a lousy parent and a lousy citizen and that he's got no credibility with the courts due to his lies and crimes. I'd like to see him in jail for this last impaired charge, and forced to go to in-house treatment instead of just showing up at an AA meeting now and then. I'd like to see the court force him to turn his tax refunds over to me to cover the $7500 arrears for support. I'd like the court to force him to pay the taxes on the property that I put the downpayment on, but is in his name, and then have him return it to me. I'd like the court to pull his licence for a minimum of 5 years, and I'd like the court to recognize that without continued proof of sobriety, he should not be trusted to care for the kids unsupervised. And yeah, I'd like spousal support. Not indefinitely, but as a means to allow me the time and the training I need to be able to become self-sufficient.
To do any of that means continuing in the legal system, and I don't know that I can. My lawyer just quit because I haven't been able to pay him much for the last 6 monthes, but I've been without any child or spousal support for the last 5. I can't get child tax credit for another few months because my ex hasn't done his taxes for several years, and they can't go off mine alone until July. Welfare won't help me at all, because they expect me to work outside the home, yet I can't afford the daycare, and certainly can't count on my ex to pay for any of it. Even if I could get the kids into daycare on the promise of paying when I start getting paycheques, after paying for daycare, I would likely bring home about $200/month, at best. Probably less, because my kids are in diapers, and I now hear daycare costs more for that. Nobody seems to be able to tell me if the last interim court order still applies, so that Maintenance Enforcement can start enforcing. Privacy laws keep the courts from telling me much and keep the doctors from disclosing any evidence they may have about the ex's drug habit, and the bank can't tell me anything about the status of the mortgage. For all I know, the kids and I could get the boot any day now because the bank is taking the house. The opposing lawyer has taken this opportunity to try to bully me into agreeing to my ex's demands, the lawyer who bailed out on me is pushing for payment, the government has just "discovered" that I still owe them over $10G from student loans which I thought were settled, and I'm just exhausted with this whole mess!
Whew! Just typing all that is depressing; sorry about the whine! I just don't know which way to go anymore; can you see why I feel like the system isn't paying attention?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Divorcemanagement
Sasha1 -
What do you think it would take to give you a feeling that you have been heard by the system and validated as a result. I would ask that of anyone who feels similar to you as well
I've really struggled with this (in the 3 or so minutes I've had in the last two days to think about it ), and I don't have a firm, "This'll do it!" kind of answer. My ex is ridiculously irresponsible, a HUGE liar, an alcoholic, a criminal (DUIs), and I've recently found out that he's added cocaine to his life as well. At first, even my lawyer thought I was exaggerating when I said that my ex was drinking and driving again, and I was worried about the kids' safety when in his care. While drunk and beligerent, he'd actually blocked me into a room because I refused to argue with him and he only let me out when he realized I had the portable phone and was going to call the police. He'd threatened to "take" the kids by sneaking them out of the house while I slept. Our bank records showed that he'd been spending literally hundreds of dollars each month on drinking. Still, the lawyer told me that I was likely to be viewed as a vindictive ex if I were to bring up all of this. When I swore to the contents of my affidavit, I took it very seriously; there are no lies, no false or misleading statements at all... My ex's is filled with lies, most of which are easily proven. Yet I was continually told the court looks at us as equal parents with equal rights.
About 5 monthes into the process, my ex smashed his truck to oblivion, nearly killed himself doing it, and received a fourth impaired driving charge.. he was OVER three times the legal limit. He's managed to stall the courts on his criminal charges (which were laid 7 monthes ago now), and has his license back again. In Alberta, when an impaired driving charge is laid, the driver has 21 days licensed, then their license is automatically suspended for 3 monthes. The idea is that it provides incentive for the driver to deal with the courts faster, as the suspension time already 'served' will be deducted from the time the court orders, IF they deal with the charges in that 3 month period. Good idea, and probably effective in some cases, but not in this one. Instead of dealing with it, my ex delayed entering a plea, then failed to appear (resulting in a warrant), and then was able to enter a plea later without being arrested (court screw-up, apparently they overlooked the warrant). Now he's supposed to appear next month, BUT he's since had his license returned to him, because the three monthes have passed. And ironically, the fact that he's licensed again has prompted him to pursue access specifying that he can pick up and drop off the kids himself (as opposed to his parents, who were planning to do so after his charges were laid). And as I said, I now know, but can't prove, that he's cocaine-addicted as well. After all of that, the onus is STILL on me to show that he shouldn't have the same rights as all the NCP out there who aren't addicts and don't drink and drive. After the impaired charges were laid, my lawyer actually said to me, "OK, now you've got recent evidence of his drinking and driving, BUT, can you prove he would do that if he had the kids with him?"!
So what would help me to feel validated and heard by the system? Well, I'd sure like to hear a judge say that he's been a lousy parent and a lousy citizen and that he's got no credibility with the courts due to his lies and crimes. I'd like to see him in jail for this last impaired charge, and forced to go to in-house treatment instead of just showing up at an AA meeting now and then. I'd like to see the court force him to turn his tax refunds over to me to cover the $7500 arrears for support. I'd like the court to force him to pay the taxes on the property that I put the downpayment on, but is in his name, and then have him return it to me. I'd like the court to pull his licence for a minimum of 5 years, and I'd like the court to recognize that without continued proof of sobriety, he should not be trusted to care for the kids unsupervised. And yeah, I'd like spousal support. Not indefinitely, but as a means to allow me the time and the training I need to be able to become self-sufficient.
To do any of that means continuing in the legal system, and I don't know that I can. My lawyer just quit because I haven't been able to pay him much for the last 6 monthes, but I've been without any child or spousal support for the last 5. I can't get child tax credit for another few months because my ex hasn't done his taxes for several years, and they can't go off mine alone until July. Welfare won't help me at all, because they expect me to work outside the home, yet I can't afford the daycare, and certainly can't count on my ex to pay for any of it. Even if I could get the kids into daycare on the promise of paying when I start getting paycheques, after paying for daycare, I would likely bring home about $200/month, at best. Probably less, because my kids are in diapers, and I now hear daycare costs more for that. Nobody seems to be able to tell me if the last interim court order still applies, so that Maintenance Enforcement can start enforcing. Privacy laws keep the courts from telling me much and keep the doctors from disclosing any evidence they may have about the ex's drug habit, and the bank can't tell me anything about the status of the mortgage. For all I know, the kids and I could get the boot any day now because the bank is taking the house. The opposing lawyer has taken this opportunity to try to bully me into agreeing to my ex's demands, the lawyer who bailed out on me is pushing for payment, the government has just "discovered" that I still owe them over $10G from student loans which I thought were settled, and I'm just exhausted with this whole mess!
Whew! Just typing all that is depressing; sorry about the whine! I just don't know which way to go anymore; can you see why I feel like the system isn't paying attention?
Comment