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Why we go through withdrawal symptoms?

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  • Why we go through withdrawal symptoms?

    It seems that no matter which spouse ends up terminating the realtionship, it seems BOTH go through emotional upheaval.

    I'd like to get everyones perspective on why this may be?

    Hubby

  • #2
    well THAT's a good question!

    I guess I'll mull that over as I type! Since I am the one in my marriage who retained a lawyer first and sent the first letter... that makes me the one who pulled out and ended it... let's say. And it has absolutely killed my heart to have pursued a divorce and ended the marriage. Even though I "did it", it's not what I wanted, it wasn't my dream, it wasn't my plan. It wasn't a rash, spur of the moment thing - it was a long, drawn out there-has-to-be-some-other-way sort of thing with divorce as the absolute last resort. I did marry this person, I loved this person and I had the most honourable of intentions, so it's been really hard to let go of that. And, after fifteen years of marriage it's simply been just a hard habit to break, I think. I mean, there are many things that I had just gotten used to in my marriage that were comfortable, and despite everything, I do miss those certain comfortable things. So, the habit of it, the comfort, the old-school guilt of you just don't get divorced, the original love for my husband, the good times, that all adds up to my withdrawl symptoms i think. I find that it can be pretty easy at times to romanticize my ex now - I have to remind myself of the pain that we were in, how painful it was for a lot of years, and how it really held each of us back.

    It is a really good question, Hubby - I think we all experience it.

    Did I answer the question?

    Lydster

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    • #3
      And How!

      For as much hurt, in all forms as I recieved and even though now with someone who willingly fuels the furnace of his anger in retrobution and revenge at any cost, financially or figuratively, I'm ashamed to admit the amount of times I have missed him. There is a comfort zone in having a husband, in forming a family unit. What may eventually become unlivable was once formed in love. And it's the day to day that build the life. When looking back it's those happy moments that bind to build the years of good times and fond memories. In the absence of pain we look back to the pleasure. When the baby booties are pulled out when children are grown it's not the endless sleepless nights of colic,temper tantrums, sqabbling frustrating moments that we look back on. It's the feel of a warm babe in your arms, the gaptoothed grins and the homemade birthday cards.

      And so it is looking back on a broken marraige. Once there was love and it is sad to see it die.

      Comment


      • #4
        Very very well said!!!what a beautiful analogy with the baby booties. You are a literate and vivid writer---maybe you should become a writer, I'm sure you'll (like all of us) have a story to tell(best seller ,no doubt)
        Best of luck to you

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        • #5
          Divorce is an agonizing experience. "Til death do us part” is the marriage vow that is so painful to break. Few of us enter marriage with the idea that one day we will become a divorced. Leaving your hopes and dreams behind, especially when children are involved can feel like a knife in your heart.

          Mourning a divorce usually takes at least a year--- a very difficult year. Unlike mourning a death, you don't wear black, there are no traditions to help you and few external symbols to tell the world of the internal suffering you may be going through. When children are part of the picture, parents are often heartbroken or racked with guilt. After all, the kids didn't ask to be in the middle of this stress mess.

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          • #6
            I agree-

            The hardest part for me is the children...then all of our own memories..
            For many of my freinds save one- they have no children... they don`t seem to understand how awfully torn in half I am..over not seeing our kids anywhere near as much..not hugging them goodnite..not being able to wake up with them laughing and cuddling them... I find it is the kids..then my ex.. I think of them both frequently, growing old together, finding our dreams together... it is hard on both parties.. i do not pretend to be the only one hurting over the issues.. she must be hurting as well... and i feel for her.. very much..
            Aden

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            • #7
              Excellent feedback

              Wow! This is excellent feedback. You know, something struck me that Grace mentioned --- 'Till death do up part' - I got the sense that those emotions never really go away, they only get buried and put down deep into your core being, only when you transition over, does it go away as you are rejuvenated and cleansed above. Why? I still have memories of ex girlfriends going back many decades ... I mean years!

              Guess there can be comfort to those not wanting to have seperated/divorced to know that somewhere deep in their ex's core ... they'll continue to have a suppressed love for you.

              Hubby

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              • #8
                I have often thought that love does not "go away", it simply gets buried under a pile of other crap. I read somewhere that love "is not an emotion, it is a choice and a commitment". I liked that one. I think the one who leaves feels guilty and ashamed and frustrated that their dreams are coming to an end and also resentful of the other person for "making them" get a divorce because they see it as no other way out if they are going to be happy. The person who is left or wants to work things out, feels betrayed and hurt and stabbed in the back and they too see all the dreams fading away but feel they have no control at all. Both parties are sad and frustrated but for different reasons and so they both withdraw....

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                • #9
                  Hangin On,

                  Very interesting point from both sides!

                  Hubby

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hubby
                    It seems that no matter which spouse ends up terminating the realtionship, it seems BOTH go through emotional upheaval.

                    I'd like to get everyones perspective on why this may be?

                    Hubby
                    Obvious - in fact I have to ask why wouldn't both sides go through emotional upheaval?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by ladyluck
                      Obvious - in fact I have to ask why wouldn't both sides go through emotional upheaval?
                      Tis not hate trying to surface causing emotional upheaval, but love.

                      Hubby

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        it's about change.

                        All changes in our lives cause stress even the good ones. If you're going thru more than one change at a time it can be even harder.

                        There's also grief for the loss of the relationship. You've lost a loved member of your family.

                        You will heal. Unfortunately a lot will just take time.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Yes it can be paralleled with grief. People do not usually think of it as a "loss" but it is just that.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by missbevy
                            All changes in our lives cause stress even the good ones. If you're going thru more than one change at a time it can be even harder.

                            There's also grief for the loss of the relationship. You've lost a loved member of your family.

                            You will heal. Unfortunately a lot will just take time.
                            Time is the only constant. Time heals all.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              But the grief is not just the loss of a family member, as someone put it. It is also the loss of the plans/hopes/dreams you had for the future, together. It's the loss of that family unit that you had, and the loss of the friend that you married. It's the loss of the ideals you had as a unit, and the loss of self-esteem stemming from rejection.

                              Comment

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