New Marriages

[fireweb13]

One piece of advice I always give my newly divorce dating friends is never to date a guy that constantly bashes their ex's. Its a clear sign of a guy who hates women.

Could be advice both ways really. Just as many women who hate men as men who hate women.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I hear you there. If it isn't working before marriage, there is little chance for improvement.

Infidelity before marriage is an obvious one but more surprising to me is the amount of people that get married with unresolved sexual incompatibility issues.

In my opinion, intimacy and sexual incompatibility issues (except in extreme cases of illness, etc) are a deal killer. People need to take them seriously.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Could be advice both ways really. Just as many women who hate men as men who hate women.

Absolutely but all my newly divorced friends happen to be female.

[takeontheworld]

Im about to be remarried early next year. My divorce was severed a year ago from corollary relief. Financial stuff as well as child support has still not been decided. My ex has left with alot of debt. Most of it is not something I ever even knew about until collection agencies were calling me looking for him. He has been out of the country for many years and has recently stopped paying. I'm bring into my new marriage debt. We will be keeping all of our bank accounts seperate. If I was my new partner, I honestly don't think I would marry me just due to the debt. I was aware my ex had a spending issue before we were married but I did it anyway. I really think giving young about to be married couples advice really just falls on deaf ears. Unfortunately, it may well be one of those things that you have to experience.

[fireweb13]

Funny that...I just said that above i.e great minds think alike

You are just quicker to the draw lol...this time

[Pursuinghappiness]

Im about to be remarried early next year. My divorce was severed a year ago from corollary relief. Financial stuff as well as child support has still not been decided. My ex has left with alot of debt. Most of it is not something I ever even knew about until collection agencies were calling me looking for him. He has been out of the country for many years and has recently stopped paying. I'm bring into my new marriage debt. We will be keeping all of our bank accounts seperate. If I was my new partner, I honestly don't think I would marry me just due to the debt. I was aware my ex had a spending issue before we were married but I did it anyway. I really think giving young about to be married couples advice really just falls on deaf ears. Unfortunately, it may well be one of those things that you have to experience.

Congratulations!

My new partner has significantly more assets than I do too and since he came out of a long marriage with a spouse that he already went through a mediated financial split with...I doubted he'd want to re-marry either..especially without a pre-nup. But that isn't an issue for him. When I brought up the pre-nup and that I'd be willing to sign one in the event we did marry...he vehemently refused.

You're obviously a good person and your new partner knows who you are. You have a plan to handle the marital debt and he trusts you to do it. All good signs in my opinion. Congrats again!

[Berner_Faith]

Im about to be remarried early next year. My divorce was severed a year ago from corollary relief. Financial stuff as well as child support has still not been decided. My ex has left with alot of debt. Most of it is not something I ever even knew about until collection agencies were calling me looking for him. He has been out of the country for many years and has recently stopped paying. I'm bring into my new marriage debt. We will be keeping all of our bank accounts seperate. If I was my new partner, I honestly don't think I would marry me just due to the debt. I was aware my ex had a spending issue before we were married but I did it anyway. I really think giving young about to be married couples advice really just falls on deaf ears. Unfortunately, it may well be one of those things that you have to experience.

Congrats from me also!

Personally I don't think bringing debt into a relationship is what causes the problem...the problem lies when the person who has debt cannot manage it and has no plan to fix the situation.

Personally I have way more debt than my partner, due to student loans and such, but not once have I asked him to cover any of those debts. His only debts are his 2 credit cards and the new car payment, which is technically both of ours.

I think one of the biggest problems with relationships/marriages have to do with the financial aspect of them. Everything else can be perfect, but if you have that financial strain and no plan to deal with it, it really drags down the relationship.

[Berner_Faith]

You could avoid the negatives by strongly suggesting (once) prior discussions on money, kids, expected parenting roles, work, financial balancing, location etc. Even better - hand them some pamphlet (or email them a link) that they can refer to after. There are lots of sites with this type of advice - Gail Vaz-Oxlade (already mentioned by Oink) is one who does this sort of thing. See Gail Vaz-Oxlade|Debt-Free Forever|Money|Book|Budgets & Personal Finances

For older couples with assets/property who might not be aware of the financial implications of marrying, again, I wouldn't hesitate to raise the topic.

Great advice... I have actually used some of her downloadable forms to do up our finances. As I mentioned, my partner is not great with money and having everything outlined and broken down, has helped him stay on track.

[arabian]

Humor is important to me. Life can be so very serious and full of unpredictable issues. Sex compatibility would of course be highly important.

I'm in my 50's and if someone can't balance their check book or 'change the oil' effectively by this time then it's hardly worth spending too much time on them. The shacking up thing at my age is pretty lame and I am quite fearful of someone merely looking for a nurse.

Enjoy your youth and swing from the rafters and scream your head off every time - before you know it you'll be screaming about your arthritis.

[frustratedwithex]

Well...Like anything else, I guess one can anticipate the question from the potential receiver of the "passed on wisdom", and it will go something like this...

"How is that working out for you" / "How has that worked out for you"?

I agree. I would ask these questions. I would also ask how he expects the change to happen. If he is talking to you about his frustration I would think he is looking for some sort of response from you.

Instead of giving advice, I would ask questions.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I'm in my 50's and if someone can't balance their check book or 'change the oil' effectively by this time then it's hardly worth spending too much time on them. The shacking up thing at my age is pretty lame and I am quite fearful of someone merely looking for a nurse.

Enjoy your youth and swing from the rafters and scream your head off every time - before you know it you'll be screaming about your arthritis.

I agree. I'm not into dealing with men with excessive baggage in the financial area. I like highly educated, older, fit & healthy men who are loyal but love women. I also like really handy men. I can do almost anything around the house but sometimes need help with heavier projects. In return, I cook and clean.

Luckily I found what I was looking for...even if I had to go to the U.S.A. to do it...lol.

By the way, age is no guarantee of health or fitness. Diana Nyad, at age 64, made the swim from Cuba to Miami a couple days ago.

I am in better shape today than I've been since I was in my teens...working out, daily green juices and lots of good sex keeps you very healthy.

[arabian]

PH - love "handy" guys! Good to hear you're happy with your man.


Hey I was watching about that swimmer the other day but didn't get to finish the show. So she made it to Cuba - wonderful.

Hey if there is a not-so-old fella out there (preferably who has his own teeth) who fits most of the criteria then I'm game. I was at an outdoor event over the weekend and noticed there were almost no decent fit looking men in the 50 - 60 yr range. I just figured they were all at home watching TV.

[Pursuinghappiness]

PH - love "handy" guys! Good to hear you're happy with your man.

Thank you very much. Funny I didn't think I'd ever date another engineer after my ex. But I picked one in a different industry without the typical "engineering" traits and its worked out great. Helps that he's the affectionate, loyal type too. If you really want to get to know someone...watch how they go through a divorce. That's what really sealed the deal for me.

Hey I was watching about that swimmer the other day but didn't get to finish the show. So she made it to Cuba - wonderful.

Actually she swam from Cuba but yes she made it. Wonderful lady and she kept trying until she did it. I watched the special too...it was heartbreaking to see the try where she failed 29 hours in. Very inspiring story.

Hey if there is a not-so-old fella out there (preferably who has his own teeth) who fits most of the criteria then I'm game. I was at an outdoor event over the weekend and noticed there were almost no decent fit looking men in the 50 - 60 yr range. I just figured they were all at home watching TV.

lol...My new guy is early 50s and he's incredibly fit. It helps that he has a gym at his work so he can workout at lunch everyday (must be nice). But I think there's a lot more 50-60 year olds who are taking great care of themselves these days. The problem is that not a lot of them are single but I think that's changing too. A lot of good men and women married to the wrong people are making the decision to divorce...so there's this emerging market of middle-aged singles these days. They definitely aren't in my area either...I had to search a little further out to find the right guy.

The number one rule of dating is knowing what you're looking for. My number one thing was modest guys who love women. I cannot tolerate know-it-all egomaniacs who do nothing but bitch about the women they've dated or were married to. You just have to have a list of what you want and stick to it.

Keep looking...he's out there!!!!

[HappyMomma]

Hey if there is a not-so-old fella out there (preferably who has his own teeth) who fits most of the criteria then I'm game. I was at an outdoor event over the weekend and noticed there were almost no decent fit looking men in the 50 - 60 yr range. I just figured they were all at home watching TV.

Oh Arabian - you need to expand your range! I say start looking in the 40 to 60 year range.

[Pursuinghappiness]

lol CS...they have a new show on one of the cable channels called Extreme Cougars. Arabian could be one of those and get on the show but she'd have to date a 20-something year old.