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Should you tell ex about travel plans? Should ex tell you?

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  • Should you tell ex about travel plans? Should ex tell you?

    If you're in a 50/50 parenting situation, do you tell the other parent when your going to be out of town? Do you tell the other parent when you're taking the kidlet(s) out of town during your parenting time?

    I usually do - if I'm traveling when I don't have D8 I send a quick email saying "FYI I will be in XXX until Thursday - here's a backup contact number in case of emergency". If I'm taking D8 somewhere, I also inform the ex "FYI D8 and I are going to YYY, we'll be back on Friday and here's where we'll be".

    Ex doesn't do this - if he leaves town when I have D8, he doesn't inform me, and when he's taking D8 out of town on his week, he doesn't tell me when or where (e.g. negotiating some schedule changes today, he wants to pick up D8 a day early because they're "flying out" for a week's vacation somewhere the next day).

    I know he's not required to account to me for how he uses his parenting time and there is nothing in our divorce order addressing this, but it does make me nervous to have no idea where D8 is. Ex is generally a responsible parent and I don't have realistic fears that anything will go off the rails when he has D8, but it just feels unsettling to me as a parent. That's why I provide him with my own travel info, whether or not he wants it.

    So should I

    a) just live with feeling a bit nervous and unsettled, and figure this is part of the deal with 50/50 parenting - as long as D8 is with her father, that's all I'm entitled to know?

    b) ask the ex where he's going, and risk him having a fit about his "privacy"?

    c) something else?

    How do other people handle this?

  • #2
    Im interested in this too. Partners ex takes the kids out of town all the time and he doesnt find out until after the fact. But if he plans to go out of town alone the ex hammers him on their agreement saying he is to inform her (we hadnt finalized our plans, she overheard a convo he was having with the kids about making plans). When he asks her about it he gets "what I do is my business" even though their agreement clearly states both parties will advise if going out of town with the kids and if going out of town for more than 48 hours alone (for emergency contact).

    Comment


    • #3
      My personal opinion is that in a shared custody situation, I think both parents have a right to know where their children are. I think you do the right thing in letting your ex know, and I think he should give the same courtesy back.

      In a sole custody situation, I don't think the CP should have to let NCP know when/where they're out of town with the kids, as long as there is a contact #. IE. My ex uses my cell phone (no house line) to contact the kids, so they would still be reachable if he were to ever call (once in a blue moon!)
      But I would 100% expect him to inform me with details if he was taking the kids out of town during any of his visits.

      I do let my ex know when he has the children if I will be out of town, and make sure he knows he can reach on cell/email/whatever in case of emergency.

      Comment


      • #4
        There is no "need" to inform the other parent of where you are going, so long as you are staying within the country/province and not impacting the other parents parenting time.

        If you do, it is out of courtesy and cooperation. Most instances I don't tell my ex. She has my cell number if she needs to get a hold of me. Personally I see no need for her to know. I don't ask her where she goes during her parenting time either. We have our own lives and our kid is well taken care of in both our care.

        In a sole custody situation, I don't think the CP should have to let NCP know when/where they're out of town with the kids, as long as there is a contact #. IE. My ex uses my cell phone (no house line) to contact the kids, so they would still be reachable if he were to ever call (once in a blue moon!)
        But I would 100% expect him to inform me with details if he was taking the kids out of town during any of his visits.
        This reeks of control and hypocrisy. Because you have sole custody you expect your ex to report to you, but don't feel the need to reciprocate, and if you do, you do it out of courtesy versus' the obligation you impose on your ex. It comes off as you feel you are the more important parent and thus are entitled to know how your ex parents during their time. Just know, that my ex has sole custody and even she doesn't think that way.

        Comment


        • #5
          I'm leaving for Vegas tonight without my kids (her weekend)

          I sent her an email with the following

          Here are the details of my trip in case of an emergency and you need to get a hold of me.

          Hotel 1 - Phone Number Date x - Date y
          Hotel 2 - Phone Number Date y - Date z

          I will be on Flight XYZ 6:00 - 7:15
          and back on Flight zyx 10:15 - 05:15
          I certainly don't need to do this but it's a courtesy. Emergencies do come up and I want to be sure she can contact me if there were one. It also eliminates the excuse of I didn't know where he was so I had to make this decision.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by OntarioMomma View Post
            My personal opinion is that in a shared custody situation, I think both parents have a right to know where their children are. I think you do the right thing in letting your ex know, and I think he should give the same courtesy back.

            In a sole custody situation, I don't think the CP should have to let NCP know when/where they're out of town with the kids, as long as there is a contact #. IE. My ex uses my cell phone (no house line) to contact the kids, so they would still be reachable if he were to ever call (once in a blue moon!)
            But I would 100% expect him to inform me with details if he was taking the kids out of town during any of his visits.

            I do let my ex know when he has the children if I will be out of town, and make sure he knows he can reach on cell/email/whatever in case of emergency.
            Wow... I really don't even know how to answer that other than that is a complete double standard. Your ex does not have to be accountable to you on his parenting time, he is welcome to take the kids where he wishes, as long as he is not leaving the country/province.

            My partner's ex use to throw a fit if he didn't tell her where he took the kids. If we went to visit family, she expected to know. So he turned it around on her and said that EVERY time she visits HER sister who is 3 hours out of town, she better inform him. Needless to say, that is petty and she dropped it quickly. I agree it is nice to let the other parent know where you will be, however in our situation, we don't have a home phone, the ex has both our cell numbers and the kids can contact her on their ipods. We don't need to let her know every time we go visit family, just like she doesn't have to let us know. The only time we really inform each other is if we are taking the kids on a weekend trip to some where we don't usually go.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
              There is no "need" to inform the other parent of where you are going, so long as you are staying within the country/province and not impacting the other parents parenting time.

              If you do, it is out of courtesy and cooperation. Most instances I don't tell my ex. She has my cell number if she needs to get a hold of me. Personally I see no need for her to know. I don't ask her where she goes during her parenting time either. We have our own lives and our kid is well taken care of in both our care.



              This reeks of control and hypocrisy. Because you have sole custody you expect your ex to report to you, but don't feel the need to reciprocate, and if you do, you do it out of courtesy versus' the obligation you impose on your ex. It comes off as you feel you are the more important parent and thus are entitled to know how your ex parents during their time. Just know, that my ex has sole custody and even she doesn't think that way.
              I see where you're coming from, that makes absolute sense.

              Please remember that not all sole custody situations are the same. From your previous posts (I'm a long time reader), it seems as you are a very active and involved parent, that's night and day from my sole custody situation. Quite frankly, I AM the more important parent, I'd go as far as to say I am the ONLY parent. It has nothing to do with control or hypocrisy, it's just reality in some situations.

              If he acted as a parent, maybe I wouldn't feel the need for the information and I would trust that he was caring for them and trust that he would contact me in case of an emergency and trust that he would return them.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by OntarioMomma View Post
                I see where you're coming from, that makes absolute sense.

                Please remember that not all sole custody situations are the same. From your previous posts (I'm a long time reader), it seems as you are a very active and involved parent, that's night and day from my sole custody situation. Quite frankly, I AM the more important parent, I'd go as far as to say I am the ONLY parent. It has nothing to do with control or hypocrisy, it's just reality in some situations.

                If he acted as a parent, maybe I wouldn't feel the need for the information and I would trust that he was caring for them and trust that he would contact me in case of an emergency and trust that he would return them.
                The thing is though, he doesn't really need your trust. Your trust is more about comfort for you, not about real concerns about the ex's ability to parent. Just because the ex isn't an active parent, doesn't mean they are incompetent. It just means they are a douchebag.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Should you tell ex about travels plans? Should ex tell you?

                  I think so, yes, out of common courtesy.
                  In our case, we actually have this specified in our order. Each time I leave town with the kid(s), I drop an email before-hand, with a brief note including where we'll be, approximate time of stay, etc.

                  Of course, though it's in our order, I'm the only one who follows it. The ex does not offer the same courtesy, or follow it.

                  Comment

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