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Financial Issues This forum is for discussing any of the financial issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 10-29-2019, 12:20 PM
seekinganswers79 seekinganswers79 is offline
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Default Am I being unreasonable?

hi everyone,

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being unreasonable in my request for full guideline and split after school care costs and would love your input.

My STBX works evenings/nights, Sunday night to Friday morning. He is unable to take them overnight Sunday to Thursday due to work.

He has been suggesting schedules that will allow him to get close to or just hit 60/40 time share, but they feel like him simply trying to piece together time to hit that threshold.

For example, his last proposed schedule involved him having the kids two weekends in a row and I the third weekend. He said he'd take on the responsibility of dropping the kids off at school in the morning and offered to be "on call" if they get sick during the day 3 days a week. This allows him to "get credit" for the daytime school hours.

In that three week schedule rotation, there is only every week Thursday evening time with the kids (other than weekend evening time of course). I feel like for the most part he'll basically be shuttling them off in the morning and get all of 10-15 minutes with them. I will still have to get them ready in the morning so he can pick them up, most likely get them breakfast and lunch, and definitely do dinners as they'll be back with me after school, and he wants to call that equal/shared parenting.

Additionally, I don't want to give up every other weekend. This schedule only works out to 60/40 if he gets two weekends in a row in a three week rotation.

I understand he will be stretched financially, so I offered to not request S7 expenses other than after school care. I am prepared to cover the cost of sports (which includes rep hockey). I am literally only asking for:
  • guideline support
  • split after school care

He has declined this.

I'm worried to pursue this legally though as I really could do without the additional legal fees. However, his attempts to share time definitely feel disingenuous.

Thoughts? Is this worth pursuing.

Somewhat related, I have let him know if/when his work schedule changes, I'm happy to go to a proper 50/50 split and of course child support will no longer apply.

I am not seeking spousal as our salaries are comparable.
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Old 10-29-2019, 12:29 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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They do sound disingenuous. And really not in the best interest of the kids...wtf at coming by for 10-15 minutes before he gets them on the bus?

Where's he getting this idea of "credit" for daytime hours from??

Most caselaw counts nights. The people who submit down to the hours during the day- it's super painfully obvious- and esp. to judges who see this all the time.

If he wants to get to 60/40- then he does EOW, from Friday after school to Monday at drop off and two nights a week. OR better yet- go with a 50/50 schedule based on the kids age. Doesn't matter if he has to work- he gets childcare.
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:08 PM
Selfrepmom Selfrepmom is offline
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Give him 2 options:

1) 50/50 joint custody/access with offset support going to whoever makes less (with a schedule that actually makes sense- either week about or 2/2/5 whatever)

Or

2) EOW with 1 weeknight and guideline CS to you


He definitely can’t piece together random bits of time (15 min before school/on call during school hours, wtf?!?) to up his time. A judge will see through that bullshit.

If he doesn’t agree to 1 or 2 you file an application for option #2 but tell the judge you would be willing to do 50/50 on a reasonable schedule and make offers to settle every step of the way that reflects this. Not some hodgepodge crap. Leave out the bit about changing access when his job changes. People change jobs all the time, he’s going to have to learn to adapt around that. Not your job to accommodate
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:16 PM
seekinganswers79 seekinganswers79 is offline
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Thank you for your reply iona.

He's unable to do weekends until Monday morning as his work week begins Sunday night. Weekends would be Friday after school to Sunday evening.

I can't help but wonder if his request for two weekends in a row might be accepted, but I hope not as I don't want to give up my opportunity for EOW weekends.

As for daytime hour credit, it was something that his lawyer had suggested during a 4 way meeting that we had and it looks like he took that and ran with it. If courts count nights, then really all he'll have is every other weekend as he's unable to watch them overnight during the week.

Something you said stuck out, would he really be allowed to have them overnight but routinely in the care of someone else? If I have to give up time with them, but it means time with their dad, I'm okay with that. But if I have to give up time with them only so that they can be in someone else's care, not going to lie, that bothers me. Immensely.
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:25 PM
seekinganswers79 seekinganswers79 is offline
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Thanks Selfrepmom.

He was actually giving himself credit for 8 daytime hours.

His time would start at 8am for school pickup at my place. School starts at 8:15, so he'd have all of 15 minutes of actual time with them.

He would then be "on-call" and available if the boys were unable to attend school, i.e. illness or PA Day, until 4pm and gave himself credit for this time.

Then he would clock at at 4pm.

My time would be from 4pm to 8am the following morning, with the exception of Thursdays where he would have them from 4pm-8pm, and of course weekends.

In my mind, the only quality time he gets with them is Thursday evening on the weekend, and all these attempts to claim time are just attempts to avoid guideline support.
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:26 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seekinganswers79 View Post
Something you said stuck out, would he really be allowed to have them overnight but routinely in the care of someone else? If I have to give up time with them, but it means time with their dad, I'm okay with that. But if I have to give up time with them only so that they can be in someone else's care, not going to lie, that bothers me. Immensely.
It happens all the time. I'm going to say it somewhat nicely. Others will not. His time- his childcare to provide. Lots of people work shift work and have their kids 50/50.

It would bother me too. But it's up to him to take care of the kids on his time.
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:29 PM
seekinganswers79 seekinganswers79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seekinganswers79 View Post
Something you said stuck out, would he really be allowed to have them overnight but routinely in the care of someone else? If I have to give up time with them, but it means time with their dad, I'm okay with that. But if I have to give up time with them only so that they can be in someone else's care, not going to lie, that bothers me. Immensely.
In response to my own post, I get that having someone else watch the kids is unavoidable. I mean, I rely on after school care until 5:30 myself.

But could he really say I'll routinely take them Tues/Thurs overnight (as an example) and have someone else watch them overnight while he's at work?

I'm available to have them, shouldn't I be the go to option?
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Old 10-29-2019, 01:31 PM
seekinganswers79 seekinganswers79 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
It happens all the time. I'm going to say it somewhat nicely. Others will not. His time- his childcare to provide. Lots of people work shift work and have their kids 50/50.

It would bother me too. But it's up to him to take care of the kids on his time.
Thank you for being candid. And for your replies. I'm going to go cry now. lol
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Old 10-29-2019, 05:40 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seekinganswers79 View Post
In response to my own post, I get that having someone else watch the kids is unavoidable. I mean, I rely on after school care until 5:30 myself.

But could he really say I'll routinely take them Tues/Thurs overnight (as an example) and have someone else watch them overnight while he's at work?
Yep

Quote:
I'm available to have them, shouldn't I be the go to option?
That's right of first refusal and I think it's so silly. You have your parenting time- and he has his. It's my own personal point of view- but if both parents are capable...why should one get a say on the other's parenting time?

If something comes up and you're not available to watch your kid- you have to make arrangements for the kid. That's just parenting.

Now- if you get along. Yeah- that just makes sense. Wouldn't the world be a great place if we could all just get along for the kids sake and help each other out when things come up? lol
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Old 10-29-2019, 09:08 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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I agree with the above, he has 2 options:

1) A true 50/50, and he works out how he is going to take care of the kids during his time.

2) EOW nonsense and table CS.


He wants you to have custody, but he does not want to pay. You have no obligation to follow any of his ridiculous proposed schedules.

Also, this is going to sound weird, but taking a day off work to be with your sick kid is actually kinda awesome. Yes, it is a major hassle, and work tends to be crazy for a few days after, but some of the best bonding time I have ever had with my children has been during those sick days when I was taking care of them. You don't want to give that up.

Not that you actually would be giving it up, because I would bet lots of money that you would still be covering most of the days that he was "on call".

Last point: You indicated that you were afraid of court. It is important not to be so afraid that you agree to a bad deal. To be clear, the court would never support his schedule or his calculations. He should be paying table CS, because it sounds like he has no plans on being a father.
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