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  • Paternity test

    Hi, I have a question regarding paternity testing. Here is the situation...

    My daughter is 14 now, and I had been recently approached (once again) by a member of the family regarding the questionable activity of the mother during the time she got pregnant. Over the years (after the divorce) friends and family had mentioned that I should do the test. Also, on couple of occasions the mother told me that my daughter isn't mine, but I thought that she just was saying that out of spite. At the time I did not act on it because my daughter and I had a good relationship and I didn't want anything to put a bump in it. However, last 7-8 years we had been on and off (at her request) and since a doubt had been put in my head once again I was wondering if I could petition the court for the test. Please understand that I am aware that it will not have any bearings on child support or my responsibilities. I just want my personal peace of mind.

    The question is can the mother refuse the pat. test and can the court decline my request? How much does it cost?

    Thank you

  • #2
    I don't know the answers to your questions but I would recommend you think a LOT before requesting it. If nothing is going to change, why bother with the test? What is this new knowledge going to do to/for you or your daughter?

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    • #3
      I would wait until the child is an adult, and then discuss it with her to let her know there is a question about paternity (which her blanky blank mom may have already told her).

      If the idea is floating around, it is best to know the answer, but wait until she is mature enough to handle the process.

      Then you can tell her that you will always love her etc, but you want to decide together if you should find out the truth.

      Oh, and tell your family members to mind their own business, this is definitely between you and your daughter and NO ONE ELSE!

      Comment


      • #4
        Give Maury/Jerry a call.

        I think they fly you out and you gt a mini vacay out of it.
        Shouldn't matter that it'll end up national tv., should it?
        You seem like you want to wreck the whole thing chasing this down anyways - why not go big?
        :P

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        • #5
          I have heard that you can order the kit on line and do a swap yourself, without your daughter knowing. That way she doesn't have to wonder and put all sorts of doubts in her head.

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          • #6
            "...it will not have any bearings on child support or my responsibilities. I just want my personal peace of mind."
            I fail to see what difference it makes having a paternity test done. If you are her biological father, nothing changes. If it turns out you are not her biological father, how will that knowledge change the relationship between you and your 14 yr old daughter? Even wanting to know for "...your peace of mind" indicates something will change if she isn't your biological daughter. If not, why bother?
            I always thought paternity testing was done with blood samples, but I guess they can do it from cheek swabs now. They'd need DNA samples from the father and child (to compare DNA) at least.
            If her mother doesn't agree to paternity testing, then the court might order it if you make a strong enough argument for it. As far as the court is concerned, you have been as a father to her and will be expected to continue in that role.
            Upshot is, you might end up spending a lot of money and putting yourself through a lot of anxiety for very little. You're her Dad, she's your daughter -- enjoy the trials and tribulations and disregard the busybody family. It's YOUR life, not theirs.

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            • #7
              true no effect on cs payments....acted as dad for so long..to bad, so sad, however it does give a clear indication of "who" she is.......kind of sucks if one has been fooled that way.

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              • #8
                Trust me. bio dad requsted a paternity test on an 18 year old and it broke her heart, to the point that she needed antidepressants..btw it came out that he was her bio dad. dont do it if you value the relationship with your daughther its not worth it...ii

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                • #9
                  I can understand you wanting to know the truth. Not exactly the same situation, but I needed to meet my bio parents as I was adopted. So, I still love my parents (the ones that raised me) as my parents but the need to know my genetic history was huge.

                  Maybe when she is a bit older you can talk to her about it and you can do it together. I think truth might be important to both of you. Just because you may or may not be genetically tied doesn't do anything to the relationship that is. It simply means you are not living a possible lie.


                  I'd need to know.

                  Good luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thank you all for your replies and advices. I agree with a lot that had been said, however, a lot of it refers to the "not to ruin the relationship". Unfortunately, as I said above there is no relationship or more like I had been "come here, go away" dad for many years and quite frankly can't do it anymore. There is no respect and I have no voice what so ever and if I say anything I become the worst dad in the world. Trust me it goes beyond the "teenager attitude" that will go away eventually (she is just becoming her mom). The reasons for fights are so ridiculous that is I was to continue to pursue band over for them I would literally become a doormat! As for paternity test It will not change anything to do with my daughter. I just feel that I deserve to know the whole truth and it is more directed at the mother than at child. Because maybe if the real truth comes out, my daughter might see that I might not be such a "horrible" dad after all and all the negative influence and manipulation comes from her mother. As for the mother, it would be nice to expose the "real" her.

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                    • #11
                      I see two things going on here. You love your daughter, and are confident you will continue to do so no matter what you learn. And doubt is gnawing at you. That doubt is not going to go away just because you feel confident that you will continue to love your daughter even if it turns out she isn't biologically yours. Especially if you have an ex who keeps bringing it up in a spiteful way.

                      Is your daughter at all aware of these allegations or doubts? What does her mother tell her? To do a paternity test, you'd need a DNA sample from her, so she's going to know the test is being done, and at 14, you'd want her consent. If she's unaware, there's no easy way to break it to her, and no matter your assurances, she's going to be afraid that the news WILL change her life. If she IS aware, you'd want to frame it in such a way that you and she are a team, seeking the truth and facing it together. Depending on her maturity level, you may want to delay this until you feel she's able to deal with it, whatever the result. If she is yours, all well and good, you can shut your family up. If she's not, you can support her through the identity-crisis that will result, and help her confront her mother and try to seek out her biological father.

                      But that said, since there are doubts which even the mother is admitting, I think it would be wise to do it eventually. There could be genetic health issues that may affect her someday.

                      But don't look for it to fix the ailing relationship you have with your daughter. I would get that stronger before you introduce something that WILL be damaging into the mix.

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                      • #12
                        Thanks Rioe....I am quite sure my daughter is not aware of the allegations. Originally I wanted to do test without my daughter or ex knowing (collect a gum, hair, etc), But then financially I had different priorities. Now that so much has happened, I feel it might be time. I know it will hurt my daughter, but since she closed all the doors to our communications, I can't discuss anything with her. And I also feel that this time there will not be a reconciliation between us so I don't think that waiting till she is older to discuss it with her will just be her saying "Do what you want, you are a stranger to me anyway". I love her and always will, but I feel that the love I feel only extends to the days of her innocence and how things used to be before her personality started to change. I know that no matter what happens, I wll always love her, but the love does not continue and halted 7 years ago....Aghhhh... It is hard to explain....It is just becoming very hard to love her for the person she is becoming.

                        And thanks to all for your time to this thread. It feels nice to talk about it with strangers since I don't go around my friends and family and badmouth my daughter. She didn't do anything to them or they to her, so no reason for them to start disliking her.

                        P.S. As far as my family minding their business, I disagree with you here only because I know my mistakes and weaknesses. I should have been tougher and more realistic about my situations and found some balls to put my ex in her place long time ago. Check out the allegations when they 1st came up. If anything, I feel my family and friends should have came up with that info sooner but they didn't want to intervene in our marriage. However, once we were divorced and shit hit the fan, people were just trying to be helpful.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                          If she's unaware, there's no easy way to break it to her, and no matter your assurances, she's going to be afraid that the news WILL change her life. If she IS aware, you'd want to frame it in such a way that you and she are a team, seeking the truth and facing it together. Depending on her maturity level, you may want to delay this until you feel she's able to deal with it, whatever the result. If she is yours, all well and good, you can shut your family up. If she's not, you can support her through the identity-crisis that will result, and help her confront her mother and try to seek out her biological father.
                          Well said.

                          I think you should just leave well enough alone.
                          Regardless of any past mistakes you may have made about the time you have spent with her - you want to preserve the possability of that being corrected in the future.
                          This maybe sounds like something Mom uses to hurt you, more than an actual fact of matter. Don't play into it and allow Mom to use requests for DNA to end up somehow being twisted to support her lies.
                          Play it cool. For the end game.

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                          • #14
                            That's so sad. Maybe I'm an eternal optimist, but 14 is an age of huge upheaval and change. You never know what a few more years may bring to her decision-making, and evolution of her personality. Sure, seven years is a long time for a phase, but she's not done growing up, and you never know what could happen. There may be ways to fight to keep that door open a crack, to show your unconditional love even if it's just remembering a birthday gift, staying steady throughout what may be parental alienation by your ex, but a paternity test probably isn't one of them.

                            I guess you have to decide what your peace of mind may be worth. But I think you may have answered your own question up there: "I know it will hurt my daughter." Is anything worth that, no matter what adolescent decisions she has made regarding you?

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                            • #15
                              Yes it is very difficult decision for me. As for "fighting to leave that door open a crack", that door was never closed on my side. But now I have hard time trusting her because she had used that open door way too many times to reconcile just to repeat history over and over and over... You are right there might be a change for the better from her, but honestly at the moment I can't think of a single thing she can do to make me trust her again. I guess it is up to her sincerity. It comes under the category of "Boy who cried wolf". Also, as for letting it be regarding the test, I had been doing just that and would totally agree and continue doing just that. But It is them that keep coming back and doing everything to make my life a living hell.

                              Comment

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