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  • Access for a 10 month old

    Hello every one. I'm very new to this but need advice and support from people who understand.
    We have a 10 month old. We separated when K was 6 months. He's lived with me since. My husband didn't ask to see him for the first 2-3 weeks. Then he saw him one Sunday for 10-4. After that he went home for the holidays for 3 weeks. Came back and continued his Sunday visits with K. At some point he started asking for overnight visits with him. I was worried he's alone and has real temper issues so I refused. But I offered him 3 day visits for a few hours, a full Sunday and every last Sunday an over night. I said for the first couple of months il sleep over too in the guest bedroom as he's so young and once he gets a handle on being alone with K he can have him by him self. He refused my proposal and stopped seeing K for 6 weeks straight and told his lawyer he doesn't want to have anything to do with K and wanted to get him adopted to me so he could give up his rights. 6 weeks later, he wanted to be back in his life and now is willing to go to parenting medeiation.

    I guess what I'm asking is, how do you think this might go? What might the mediator suggest given the background? I'm very worried!

    Thank you all

  • #2
    What are you worried about?

    What would be the worst case scenario?

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    • #3
      I'm really not sure. It's worrisome how these things go, what might be a good schedule for K at 10 months old, etc.

      Comment


      • #4
        If the child is being bottle fed then there is no issue with dad taking him. You're letting your feelings toward him impact this situation. This is his child. He is a father. If you have an issue then ask for him to take a parenting class. Stop letting your fear prevent your child from bonding with their father.

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        • #5
          Thanks I know what you are saying. I think I would have to get strong

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          • #6
            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            My husband didn't ask to see him for the first 2-3 weeks.
            It really isn't a significant period of time in the lifespan of a child. Especially at that age. Applying math...

            Median life expectancy for someone born today is around 88 years. (I averaged the male and female to arrive at this number.)

            That means the child will live for 88*52 = 4576 weeks in total. Just say you are both dead by the time the child is 68 that is 68*52 = 3536 weeks.

            3/4576*100 = 0.0655594405

            3/3536*100 = 0.08484162895

            In the grand scheme of things... 0.065 or 0.084 is really not a lot of time to be away from a child over a lifetime of parenting. (Now there are flaws to my theory but, what I am trying to demonstrate is the insignificance of 2-3 weeks of parenting time.)

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            Then he saw him one Sunday for 10-4. After
            that he went home for the holidays for 3 weeks.
            Again, an insignificant amount of time in the larger scope.

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            Came back and continued his Sunday visits with K. At some point, he started asking for overnight visits with him.
            Unless court orders otherwise or he agrees in writing you are not a gatekeeper to this child. He has every right to parent his child.

            He is a parent having the lawful care or charge of a person under the age of fourteen years and has a right to be a parent. He may not be advised of his rights but, he has equal rights to parent the child. The child is NOT your possession.

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            I was worried he's alone and has real temper issues so I refused.
            You have no right to refuse. The only rights you have at this point are to bring an application before the court and present evidence to your concerns and have a court make an appropriate order. In absence of this you are making a huge mistake as a parent and a judge may not find your conduct appropriate.

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            But I offered him 3 day visits for a few hours, a full Sunday and every last Sunday an over night.
            My recommendation would be to offer a 2-2-3 based access schedule on a 50-50 basis and joint custody.

            See this thread about 2-2-3 based access schedules. These are commonly ordered for children <3 years of age.

            http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...plained-13702/

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            I said for the first couple of months il sleep over too in the guest bedroom as he's so young and once he gets a handle on being alone with K he can have him by himself.
            What gives you the authority to determine the other parent's access and lawful care of the child? You better realize quick that unless the other parent is a complete waste of space and has real issues (not based on your fears and / or anxiety) they will get 50-50 equal residency and joint custody.

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            He refused my proposal and stopped seeing K for 6 weeks straight and told his lawyer he doesn't want to have anything to do with K and wanted to get him adopted to me so he could give up his rights.
            Not uncommon pattern to happen when someone withholds access to a child from the other pattern. A judge won't think much of this at all as they have seen it all before. Stress is very high for the other parent as you have basically have prevented them from being a parent. You need to look at it from the other side. What if this happened to you?

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            6 weeks later, he wanted to be back in his life and now is willing to go to parenting medeiation.
            Depending on the mediator. You could get one that pushes the standard every-other-weekend nonsense. If you get a really educated one you will be the one being pushed towards 50-50 access and joint custody.

            Ultimately, mediation is non-binding and if you and the other parent can't come to an agreement the matter will have to go to court.

            Originally posted by youngmom View Post
            I guess what I'm asking is, how do you think this might go? What might the mediator suggest given the background? I'm very worried!
            I would recommend you seriously consider an offer to settle the matter for equal residency (access) on a 2-2-3 based schedule and joint custody.

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

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            • #7
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              If the child is being bottle fed then there is no issue with dad taking him.
              Justice Quinn says:

              This child is not an appendage of the petitioner. The child will very shortly have to leave the petitioner for day care, junior kindergarten and other outside relationships. It is important for the child’s good that she learn to adapt outside of the petitioner’s constant attention. The petitioner should therefore end breastfeeding over the next four months and the child should then experience overnight access with the respondent.
              I also recommend this poster to heed the warning of Justice Quinn... The child will grow and have to leave the poster's care and constant attention.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by youngmom View Post
                I'm really not sure. It's worrisome how these things go, what might be a good schedule for K at 10 months old, etc.
                Don't let your anxiety eat you up. Talk to someone about your concerns. My recommendation would be a very qualified child psychologist. They deal with parental anxiety like this often and can help you separate your anxieties from reality.

                Best schedule is an equal residency based on a 2-2-3 schedule. (See my reply above.)

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

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                • #9
                  There is something completely unnatural about being out of your (infant!) child's life for half time, with (in some cases) no window into what is happening during that time. But that is the reality of split parenting. The kids adapt well to it, but the idea at first is a horror to parents.

                  That said, offer 50-50 so that he knows it is his option. At the moment it sounds like he will not jump for it.

                  **Whatever schedule you arrive at, one for the most important things is that it is a REGULAR schedule. i.e. when it is his time to parent, he cannot just call last moment to say nevermind.**

                  Give it some time to work itself out - these are huge life changes for both of you.

                  Make it clear that if he cannot commit to 50-50 right now, that it will be reviewed in 1 year i.e. he does not have to commit to 50-50 now or lose it forever.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I also wanted to mention that being unreasonable and allowing your feelings on what you think is right from the start will not help this relationship going forward.

                    The bottom line is this child has two parents. Both get to decide what is best for that child and what is best is having TWO parents in their life.

                    If he makes a mistake so what. Every parent makes mistakes. You may think you can be better but demonstrating to your child that only one parent is right isnt a proper way to raise them. Instill in both the child and its father that the relationship between them has equal weight and he is equally as responsible for the well being of this child.

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                    • #11
                      Thanks for your detailed explanation

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                      • #12
                        I agree with all the above comments and would like to add that parenting is very much a skill that you learn based on experience.

                        So you can't expect him to be perfect based on the fact that you're gatekeeping the child away from him. He needs fair, reasonable, one-on-one time to learn to parent. I guarantee you weren't perfect right away either.

                        Fathers have as much right to children as mother's do...so every time you deny him access with some of the reasons you've listed...imagine what it would be like if someone treated you that way as a parent. (Bet you wouldn't like it and you'd be pretty insulted and intimidated).

                        I'm sure this guy isn't perfect and if he doesn't exercise his access, you're going to have lots of opportunity to remove it in the future but right now, give him a chance to be a dad and give your child a chance at having a relationship with his dad.

                        If the guy isn't a total jackhole (and that's still to be determined), this is the best gift you can give to your child. Good luck!

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                        • #13
                          Came back and continued his Sunday visits with K. At some point he started asking for overnight visits with him. I was worried he's alone and has real temper issues so I refused.
                          Here we go again with the gatekeeping (sigh)

                          You chose him to have a baby with. He has just as much right as you as a biological parent to have a 50/50 relationship (or close to it). Why are you refusing overnights? You're afraid of his temper only at night but allow day visits? Does he turn in to a werewolf at night and Mr. Rogers during the day?

                          Don't let your subjective feelings override rationality and what's in the child's best interests. Having both loving parents in this child's life is more powerful than you know.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
                            Make it clear that if he cannot commit to 50-50 right now, that it will be reviewed in 1 year i.e. he does not have to commit to 50-50 now or lose it forever.
                            Wait, so he gets to avoid the kid for a year (during the pretty crappy 1-2 age range) and then get back into the kid's life?

                            That's crap. By all means offer shared now, but if he bails, then he bails. He doesn't get to come back when the kid is older and more enjoyable.

                            I have zero sympathy for fathers who reject shared, for any reason. If mom didn't offer shared, then she is wrong and putting her needs ahead of her child. However, if she offers shared and dad refuses? His fault, hopefully he does a better job with the next set of kids.

                            Comment

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