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Mother · #1 10-17-2019, 02:18 PM

Reading info/threads about mediation and get puzzled as to why opinions on mediation are so drastically different?

For instance:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus

...family law is not a playground. If you make an offer to settle, then it is a real offer to settle. If you want to play around, do that in mediation where your word counts for nothing and you can negotiate without consequence.

and this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by sucessfuljourney

...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sucessfuljourney

Mediation (with a BSW MSW social worker) got us into really good talking terms and getting along that I am almost confident marriage counselling could have saved the marriage.

If I could go back and try harder to save the marriage, I would have. Though I am sure I tried my very best at that time given the circumstances. ....

Is it "yes" or is it "no"?

Kinso · #2 10-17-2019, 02:32 PM

The value (or lack thereof) of mediation isn't a "yes" or "no" question. In some cases it's great. In others, terrible.

People who approach negotiation in good faith but need help talking can find mediation very useful. In contrast, for those who want to pull out every stop to get what they want, and refuse to consider matters from the other side... mediation can be a tool of manipulation and a giant waste of money/time for the other side.

Related, while this forum can be useful for people to share their own experiences, we must be cautious before we assume our personal experiences can be easily transferred to others. Professionals see thousands and thousands of cases...most people on this forum see only their own. Reading case law is useful, but only gives you the last chapter of the book. As such, people will say things like "X is great" or "terrible" while failing to appreciate nuance.

Mother · #3 10-17-2019, 02:39 PM

Which means mediation is useless if a party is saying ahead of time "oh well, I know it won't work but since you insist, then ok, I'll go to look better and to show I tried" ?

Kinso · #4 10-17-2019, 04:44 PM

It�s certainly not an encouraging comment.

iona6656 · #5 10-17-2019, 04:50 PM

I went with what my lawyer told me. He said he never gives blanket recommendations of mediation or arbitration. It's case specific. When he first told me this- I thought "sure sure, you just don't want to tell me who the mediator is so you get more $$$ out of me"...but that was dumb. And totally untrue. He wanted to get to know my ex and me. He told me that formal mediation wouldn't work for us- because my ex was mad at me and unreasonable. And I was making decisions from a place of guilt. That's my story.

I do tend to give the advice on here that if the other party is unreasonable. Then just move the file to trial. But Kinso is right- it's my bias coming through.

rockscan · #6 10-17-2019, 05:31 PM

Unless both parties are reasonable and want to reach a solution, mediation won�t work. Almost all agreements say mediate first but not all parties can do it. If you think the ex won�t mediate then don�t waste the money.

My husband�s judge said it best�both parties have to be willing to mediate but if one party keeps bringing up the past and not moving forward, mediation won�t work.

calvinfive · #7 10-17-2019, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan

Unless both parties are reasonable and want to reach a solution, mediation won�t work.

Worked wonders for me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan

Almost all agreements say mediate first but not all parties can do it. If you think the ex won�t mediate then don�t waste the money.

If your agreement says to mediate first, and you don't do it. You will be seen as a high conflict fighter. Court is absolute last resource. Always try mediation first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockscan

My husband�s judge said it best�both parties have to be willing to mediate but if one party keeps bringing up the past and not moving forward, mediation won�t work.

Worked wonders for me.

Kinso · #8 10-17-2019, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Worked wonders for me.

As I said above, we must be cautious before we assume our personal experiences can be easily transferred to others.

rockscan · #9 10-17-2019, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kinso

As I said above, we must be cautious before we assume our personal experiences can be easily transferred to others.

This ^^ Thank you

Helpmyspouse · #10 10-17-2019, 08:57 PM

I burned $10,000 in mediation that failed. Asshole lawyer on other side had no intentions of mediating but wanted to rack up some more billable hours. He didn't negotiate in good faith so time and money was burned. Unfortunately you have no idea of knowing if it will work or not until after you have spent the money. Of course lawyers will make the argument that trial is very expensive so just try mediation. This is what you get with a broken system.

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