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  • #16
    alisaden, speak with a lawyer, even if just for free advice about this. I am fairly confident that they will tell you that you have valid concerns, just like my husband's lawyer told us.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by CCB View Post
      alisaden, speak with a lawyer, even if just for free advice about this. I am fairly confident that they will tell you that you have valid concerns, just like my husband's lawyer told us.
      That's what they all say - your concerns are valid, now here is my retainer fee.

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      • #18
        Thanks all, I will have to trust at the beginning that it will go well, I don't want to hurt him, I just want to make sure the kids are ok. I realize I may be over the top on this when nothing has happened yet. Thanks again to all, and I have an appt but I don't want to spend 10's of thousands on a divorce when as of now there is no hate, there is hurt and some anger but that will eventually go away and will have to see this person at times forever

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        • #19
          Lawyers can be useful, but they can also be a nightmare... you need to know what you want before you go see one, coming to this site to get input was a great move... why? Because if you went to a lawyer, he/she may say your concerns are valid and then you would end up spending $20,000-$30,000 fighting your "valid concern"....

          From the get go, you need to control your lawyer, I am not saying your concerns are not valid, you are allowed to worry, but once lawyers get involved things usually get ugly, especially if you are projecting what might happen, then the other party gets their back up...

          Write a list of what you want to accomplish before you see your lawyer...

          What will custody/access be?
          Who will pay who support? (I noticed you are going for shared custody which is GREAT)
          How will Section 7 expenses be divided? Proportionate to income? Or will you be responsible for this activity the other parent be responsible for that one?

          Once thing to remember is, when ever you ask something of the other party, think of how you would feel/think if the other party asked you the same? One example is the hockey... you are expecting the ex to take the kids on his time, even if it means taking off work, but what if you have a work obligation on your time and you can't take the kids? What is good for one party has to be good for the other too. So before you make requests that if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't agree with, think about what is actually rational.

          By spending some personal time thinking about what the best decisions are, you will control your lawyer costs and not cause the other party to fly off the handle..

          Best of luck!

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          • #20
            I can't say anything bad about our lawyer, we used her for my husband's divorce and for the adoption of our son. She would be the first to tell us not to waste our money on an issue.

            Sometimes people feel more comfortable using a lawyer in their situation, there is nothing wrong with that and they aren't all sleazy.

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            • #21
              CCB... I can't say anything bad about my bf's lawyer either... he was awesome and not once over billed. He was awesome at keeping costs low, but mostly because he was asked not to respond to frivolous letters or to send more than one letter to the ex...

              He would not have a signed SA if it wasn't for using a lawyer...it took him just over a year to get everything settled, and the first 8 months she never responded because she didn't want to, however, once a letter was sent stating that if she didn't respond they would be initiating court action, things started rolling...

              I agree CCB, not all lawyers are sleazy, but I think a lot of it has to do with the client they have... if the client is not educated and does not do their own research, they will find their lawyer bills go through the roof.

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              • #22
                my parents left us alone together at that age but we also had things we had to do when they left. Either homework of something else, just to keep us occupied. We also had an aunt who lived less then a mile away we could call.

                We never killed each other or got hurt. In fact i think my brother loved being in charge. We fought right into our teens but I always knew if i had a problem my brother would help me and protect me.

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                • #23
                  Berner, thanks for the advice on the lawyer questions, but I am trying to act rational and supportive in the way we deal with stuff. There is something happening this weekend with the kids and he told me yesterday he going away with the guys for the weekend. The kids asked him to come and basically no. I can't force him to do this , and the problem is if this happens after I leave then I will end up bailing him out as I can't stand to see them hurt, and he knows this. I can try and tough love but I dont know if I can do that part. Also I would never ask him or anyone else to do something I wasn't prepared to do myself. Maybe this will be ok, I am sure the kids will be fine but want to make sure I am not his babysitter.

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                  • #24
                    alisaden - I'm having similar parenting issues with my ex.... and it took a girlfriend at work to tell me the most basic advice to set my head straight - "you can't make him be a good parent".... and it's sad, and it's not what *we* want, but it's true. My 6 & 3 year old daughters were telling me just last night that the are allowed to watch Family Guy at daddy's house ((internally I was ranting and raving and blowing a gasket)) but I explained that mommy doesn't think it's an good cartoon for them to watch, and they will not watch it with me - end of discussion. But he'd also let them watch it when we were together, and he cannot understand the reasoning in "it's not a children's cartoon!!" Oy!!

                    While you may feel like you're bailing him out, and sure the kids will be disappointed, I find (in my own experiences) that you just have to move past that and really keep the focus on the positive... eventually the kids will ((sadly)) understand that one parent is more reliable than the other... but in no way can we (as the reliable parent) nudge them in that direction!! In my own situation I will continue to do everything in my power to foster a good relationship between my ex and our girls, but kids aren't stupid and they see and pick up on a lot more than we really give them credit for...... In the end, all we can do is continue to be a strong positive role model....

                    Best wishes!!

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                    • #25
                      Oh groan, Family Guy, I am 30 years old and I find that show vulgar and inappropriate. I don't know if I would let my kids watch it at any age, at least while they were in my house lol!

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                      • #26
                        alisaden...I'll share what / how we handle the sports and maybe you could suggest an alternative to your ex. We do 50/50 (1 week on/off). But our sons both play a lot of hockey and lacrosse. So when it's my week with the boys, dad will come and pick up and drop off the older one (when it's too late for the little guy to be up)...and vice versa.
                        Dad is also high conflict, and career usually gets first priority and often can't do the drop offs to hockey so I will do that...and for the later pick up time he will bring him back here.
                        There are also a LOT of parents who are in the same situation...work, other children, travelling partners/spouses...you'd be surprised how many parents will help, and you assist them as well. Another option. Can you also let the team manager/coach know that 5 is too early (due to work) and due to those days when there is such an early start, would they be able to help out ?

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                        • #27
                          Thanks, I do share drive and have only needed help twice this year and it is great. And I have said to him that if there is a conflict as one has hockey and the other has a bday party, I would take one and you would take one regardless of who's week it is with the kids. I have to hope he will but that is the million dollar question. He will definately ask if its his week but don't know if I will have the same luck on my week. I am sure there are others who will help as the parents on the teams have always been great, and it seems its the same parents who take the kids to practices and games. Again he hasn't done anything wrong or right yet ( like this weekend) . I could be worrying about nothing , its just the old saying " a leopard never changes his spots". And just for the record this is not a husband wife thing, as there are lots of great dads here and moms getting screwed around. At least the weather is great and the weekend is coming.

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                          • #28
                            Leaving the kids alone really really really depends on the kid. The oldest in my household is 12 now, but we've been able to leave her in charge (usually at night when all the other kids are in bed) for over a year. Mind you it was never for 90 mins, (short trips to grab a coffee, or to the grocery store for a loaf of bread or whatever).

                            How far away from the house is the gym? Do the kids know what to do in an emergency? If something happened, how quickly could the ex return home?

                            Those are all factors in determining how appropriate it is. There are a ton of latchkey kids who get home at 2-3pm and are home alone until the parents arrive at 4-5. It's normal, it happens, etc.

                            The 10 year old has taken the babysitting course, so presumably knows at least a little about what to do in an emergency. I wonder if they are "scared" because they are playing Mommy and Daddy against each other. Why are they calling YOU and not their father?

                            Until something happens, you don't have anything to go on. You have to realize he will make decisions you don't agree with, but on his time, it's HIS responsibility to parent appropriately and it's not your concern unless the kids are in actual, proven danger.

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                            • #29
                              No they get scared, as there uncle is in law enforcemetn and something when they are playing with their cousins, they will tell me a story there dad has told them or heard as the cousins are about 3and 5 years older. They have no idea about the separation or leaving. They are just used to me taking them places

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