Ehhhhhh! Parental Alienation now?

[Tracy123]

Each gender is eaually capable of doing this unfortunately. Of caurse that's just my opinion. I'm most definitely NOT engaging in it or retaliating in any way shape or form. I just keep the rules in my house the same. No hitting, and of caurse you can play/talk/hug/love all family members. The poor kid is just super confused. I had to give him a time out for hitting me, but his dad told him too. Very mixed signals, and I think he's having a hard time processing it all. I just want to get the kid some help. I'd also like to beat his dad with a stick for doing it, but I'd just end up with a broken stick and sore hand.

Thanks for the reading Tayken!
Muchly appreciated!

[sahd29]

I've had some recent experience with parental alienation. My ex recently moved herself and our son 250 km away to move in with her fiance. Shortly before the move, she began programming our son. She makes him call her new husband dad and even asked the court to discontinue access (which they denied). She even made our son write a letter to the judge, asking not to be forced to see me.

My son has no reason for not wanting to see me, and the OCL determined that the only reason he claimed to not want to see me was because of his mother's influence. My son told the OCL that his mother told him that when he's 12, he won't have to see me anymore.

Luckily, when my son is with me, he's pretty much himself. He's not aggressive toward me, my wife, or his little sister. The only change is that he no longer tells me he loves me. It definitely bothers me, but as all his other behaviour hasn't changed (he still jumps all over me and is as playful and happy as ever when he's here) I don't want to push the issue with him. I know he loves me, and I haven't stopped telling him I love him. If anything, I say it more.

I'm definitely concerned that as my ex continues her attempts to sabotage the relationship between my son and I that she will eventually begin to be successful. But as the matter has already been acknowledged and addressed by the OCL, I'm confident that if the situation worsens, I will be successful in seeking a legal remedy.

Anyway, when this all started, I did a lot of research on parental alienation. Here are some of the more helpful articles I found:

Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Age-Old Custody Problem by Michael R. Walsh and J. Michael Bone
Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It by J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh
Legal and Psychotherapeutic Approaches to the Three Types of Parental Alienation Syndrome Families: - Richard A. Gardner, M.D.
Parents Who Have Successfully Fought Parent Alienation Syndrome by A. Jayne Major
Differential Diagnosis of the Three Types of Parental Alienation Syndrome by Richard A. Gardner
Parental Alienation: Not in the best interest of the children by Douglas Darnall
Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children by Richard A. Gardner
The Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Analysis of Sixteen Selected Cases by Dunne and Hedrick
Understanding and Collaboratively Treating Parental Alienation Syndrome by Richard A. Gardner

It's a lot of reading, and there's a lot of overlap. But I tend to take the points that numerous authors make a bit more seriously, as they're agreed upon by more than one authority. If it is found that your ex is attempting to destroy the relationship that you and your child have, it would be very reasonable for you to ask the court to discontinue access between your ex and child, unless your ex can get his act together and begin acting in your child's best interests.

Best of luck!

[Pursuinghappiness]

My son has no reason for not wanting to see me, and the OCL determined that the only reason he claimed to not want to see me was because of his mother's influence. My son told the OCL that his mother told him that when he's 12, he won't have to see me anymore.

SAHD:

I haven't had any experience with OCL as we're using a private assessor in our custody battle but I'm really glad to see that it sounds like they've made a fair determination in your case.

There have been a lot of posts on here about egregious gender biases with OCL and as I thought, its a lot of hogwash.

I'm a female who's been dealing with an ex constantly badmouthing me to the kids and I do pretty much the same thing you do....I ignore it and reinforce to the children who I am by action rather than words and know that with time, he'll probably pay for his actions in the relationship he shares with the kids.

In the meantime, we have a psychological evalution going on to determine final custody so I'm hanging in there until its completed.

You have my best wishes going forward and I truly wish that the court system would implement a better evaluation system and remedy for these incidences in court. I think they are very serious violations considering the impact that they have on the emotional long term health of a child.

[Tracy123]

SAHD,

Thanks for all the reading. Really appreciate it. As if your ex had your son write the judge a letter. Way to put him right square in the middle of the mess. I just wish it would stop. Little guy is so confused, ex still won't sign off of counceling. I wonder why? He came home from another weekend access, he's now learned to punch, any guesses on who he's suppose to punch? I get great bonding time sending my child to time out every 10 minutes for the first 24 hours after visits.

Parents Who Have Successfully Fought Parent Alienation Syndrome by A. Jayne Major

"6. The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent."

This one scares me the most. My little boy used to be so sweet and caring. He used to check and make sure I was ok if I sneezed. Now he hits to hurt for no reason most of the time (I understand sometimes kids hit out if they're being told they cant do something) This is me doing the dishes and walks in a punches me. I've explained that it hurts and he doesn't seem to care at all, just keeps saying "daddy says so" when I ask him why he's doing it. Heart breaking really. I only see pieces of my son lately. I wish I could get the little guy back to his old slef again.

[sahd29]

Make sure you have it documented that your ex is refusing to allow counseling. That alone should help demonstrate that something just isn't right there. Your ex should also be made to do some counseling, and some parenting classes. His behaviour isn't only damaging your relationship with your son, but it is hurting his relationship with him, too - not to mention that this could have long-term psychological effects that your son may have to cope with for his entire life.

You should also keep a journal of your son's behaviour, and not just his bad behaviour. If you keep a consistent log of the way he behaves, it will be easier to show that his behaviour is significantly worse right after visits with his father.

My worst nightmare is that my son will eventually start being aggressive toward me and his little sister. Luckily, since the OCL got involved his behaviour has been amazing. I specifically asked the OCL to help me make it clear to my son that he is allowed to love me, my daughter, and my wife, because he was starting to think he had to choose between my family and his mom's new family. The OCL actually had him rate all of his family members on a scale of 1 - 10, and he rated everyone a 10, except his other little sister (his mom's second child), who he gave an 8, because she loses and breaks his toys. It's only been half a year since they moved 250 km away, though, and we're still in court, so I'm anticipating some rough patches in the future.

[Tracy123]

Not allowing counseling was part of my court application filed Monday. I myself enrolled in some parenting classes. I think getting some help dealing with his aggression is something I need to do for the both of us. I'm completely scared of the long term effects. He seems so lost some days.

I've been emailing myself daily about his behaviours both good and bad. So hopefully that helps. I actually started it as a way to keep track of exchanges and how slight changes had started. Then the aggression came out.

It is a nightmare. That's an understatement. The hitting his sitter just plain sucks. It's not fair that my ex still gets to effect her life when he's not even involved in it anymore. It just sucks all around really. That's funny that he rates his other sister lower. I'm happy to hear the OCL has been helpful for your child. My lawyer has mentioned getting my little guy an OCL. I'm assuming my ex would have to agree to that, and for some reason I think he would say no. I just wish it would stop and my little guy could get some help before it's to late.

[sahd29]

I believe your ex would have to agree to the OCL, but there may be a workaround. That's something to ask your lawyer about.

Emailing yourself is brilliant. Your ex can't claim you made it all up after the fact, as the emails will show the dates. I kept track of every single day I saw my son on a calendar, but my ex wants the court to believe that I just fabricated it all at a later date. If I need to make note of anything from now on, I'm going to do it through email, as well.

Taking some parenting classes, even if you don't really need them, is a great idea. Not only does it look good to a judge, but hopefully you'll get some helpful advice on getting through this difficult time, and minimizing the effect it's having on your son.