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  • #16
    I certainly did not turn over every stone to save my marriage - I was unable to due to the interference of the new person in my ex's life. Cest la vie. Much happier now anyhow. Kind of relieved to know I won't be having to replace his bed pans through his old age.

    I believe that going outside the marriage is a symptom/reaction of something else that is wrong with the relationship. You can spend time and money on finding out everyone's short comings but is it worth it? Don't think so. At some point you have to just accept it for what it is, measure up the pros and cons of staying in the relationship, and finally move on.

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    • #17
      Comments

      I find that Dr. Phil has a very good website packed with invaluable, easy to read and comprehensible information. One topic is 'Facts to consider before a divorce'. Under this topic is a bullet list of things to consider due to the severity and impact of the decision to do so. He talks about turning over every stone before making that decision.

      I empathize with you in that I too, had someone "interfering" with my ability to do so. This was MY own doing and MY choice. Not to say it was the right one. But I was more aware of what COULD be done than ever before because of the information I'd discovered in speaking with professionals, reading their books and open minded friends/colleagues.

      The counselor I've been seeing has been helping me with the concepts of fact vs. hypothetical. After she said she wanted a divorce, we remained (moving end of July) in the matrimonial home as we worked through what needed to be done. There were plenty of times when there what I thought, "mixed signals" but none were verbalized or clarified. I found out that "had I done this or had I done that" ie: ceased contact, proved to her that I wanted us, and so on, that PERHAPS there was a chance we could get back together. PERHAPS. The problem with hypothetical is that it doesn't end, you can debate it infinitely. He explains, we must deal with facts and your marriage was finalized the day she asked for a divorce. After that, BOTH were free to do what you wanted.

      As I continue to get counselling, I learn about more "rocks" that represent potential. It frustrates me that we'll never be able to look under them because thre is so much at stake. But the fact is that we won't be able to. The decision was made, the wheels put in motion and what foundation we may have had (which was an issue in our marriage from the onset) has been all but destroyed.

      So, like you, I ask "Is it worth it?" Only you knew the answer and you made a decision. You say it's for the better which is obviously a good thing! Hopefully you have found peace and happiness. For me, I'm not so sure. And I don't know if I ever will. Then again, my decision was made for me. I know I will carry this for life.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by ehbe1036 View Post
        After she said she wanted a divorce, we remained (moving end of July) in the matrimonial home as we worked through what needed to be done. There were plenty of times when there what I thought, "mixed signals" but none were verbalized or clarified.
        I find that, after continuing to remain "friends" with my ex, sometimes I lose track of what happened between us and react to him by sheer force of habit. It doesn't mean I want to get back together or anything of the sort. Any mixed signals you think you sense are probably from your desire to be forgiven.

        Originally posted by ehbe1036 View Post
        Then again, my decision was made for me. I know I will carry this for life.
        Bull. The decision was not made for you, by either her lack of nurturing or her request for a divorce. You made the decision the day you chose to touch another woman. At the top of your post you acknowledge it was your choice but by the bottom you are back to shifting blame elsewhere. You may talk the talk of accepting responsibility, but you have a lot more therapy before you walk the walk.

        ETA: my psychobabble on your situation

        From the glimpses into your marriage you have provided, it sounds like you married a woman who wasn't compatible with you in the first place. You married her because she was hot and you thought she'd be a good mother, when really you wanted someone to mother you. Forget about self-analysis; how about getting to know more about the person you are dating next time. Or stick to casual sex and hire a nice housekeeper.
        Last edited by Rioe; 07-11-2012, 10:06 AM.

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        • #19
          ehbe - you sound like you are wallowing in a self-pity now. This will serve you no purpose and will only impede your emergence into your new life. At some point you have to put the past behind you and move on. Accept the mistakes that were made and get a move on.

          I have a friend who has been reading self-help books for over 20 yrs now. She has learned some key phrases to express herself when communicating with others but aside from that the benefit, as I can see it, is absolutely zilch. Leave the psychobabble alone and focus on some reality-based activities. This may be difficult at first because your ego is still trying to adjust to the fact that you were indeed dumped.

          On one of the very rare occasions that I have spoken to my ex's new partner since we split up 3 yrs ago she did say that she had suggested my ex get counselling. I found that quite interesting, but not surprising, to know that my ex's pity-party issues have obviously carried over into his new relationship.

          Yes things are better for me in many ways. However, it took me several years to fully realize it as I too was stuck in "memory lane" and am only now slowly emerging into my new life.

          If you have difficulties moving on and letting go then I would suggest you get some volunteer work and help those who are less fortunate. Shifting the "me me" focus of your life would be a good step in moving on.

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          • #20
            Comments

            Thanks for your opinion.

            The "mixed signals" I speak of are more complex than what I've stated in my post. Your assessment of our marriage is correct, it's only a glimpse.

            I acknowledge wanting forgiveness. Although being forgiven, or wanting forgiveness may help with the guilt, it never takes it away.

            I didn't have a choice in her decision to want a divorce. I did have a role in our marriage coming to that. As did she. Big difference. I have plenty of examples in our marriage that have caused others to want and get a divorce, I chose to stay hoping things would get better even after communicating my "beefs", and putting in the effort to resolve.

            Just so it's clear, the only blame I've ever referred to is blaming myself for going outside the marriage. This was not her fault. She didn't make me do it.

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            • #21
              Some very good points, definately valid. We haven't even moved out of the house yet, it will take time to heal and adjust. My counselor has already told me to leave the self-help books alone. Instead read books like "On your own again" and as you say, revitalize my life!

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              • #22
                My ex didn't have a "say" when I filed for divorce either. Even though he was banging our employee's wife, and I found out about it, he was absolutely amazed. I guess he thought I would just be pissed off for a while and then get over it. Not a chance. I put up with physical and verbal abuse long before that happened. He actually had his lawyer question me at one point to see if I was serious in wanting a divorce. My response to the lawyer was "are you fucking crazy? Do you want me to move in with him and his girlfriend?"

                Whats done is done. Unfortunate these things don't happen in the first few years of marriage. Living with someone for many years and then having it end this way is really, really disappointing.

                You will feel much better once you are out on your own, in your own place. Don't drag it out.

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                • #23
                  Comments

                  I'm sorry to hear you had to endure any of this, it is complex beyond words. I'd say it's unfortunate these things happen at all and I'd say "disappointing" is an understatement.

                  I'm doing the best I can, there is a grieving process that also includes wallowing in self-pity. I'm told it gets better, I will feel better. Again, hypothetical. However, I recognize I'm the one who has to take control of this.

                  Thanks for your comments.

                  Comment

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