Hi, I found this forum while searching for some info to help me navigate a complex and difficult situation. I have been in a long term relationship for 18 years, we bought a house together, had 3 children together (now ages 10, 12, and 16 years), although we never married. This relationship has not gone well for quite a while, for years I held firm to the belief that given enough time and patience, and being blessed with a beautiful family, he would mature and finally be OK with trying to be the supportive dad and partner I wished he would be, (instead of a ToysRus kid, as he liked to call himself) but instead our relationship deteriorated and he showed a pattern of increasingly controlling, threatening and at times abusive and destructive behavior (mostly towards me). Attempts at counseling have only resulted in carefully orchestrated performances, hopelessly convoluted blame games, or occasionally rages at the counselor if there was any hint that perhaps he might have some responsibility for the tension in our relationship.
The abuse and destructive and controlling behavior has escalated over time, and recently while yelling and intimidating me, then entering my daughters' room in order to "make sure they knew what was going on" he threw me across the room while my daughters watched. When the yelling and threatening gestures continued despite their obvious distress, I called 911. By this time all 3 kids were hiding inthe basement. While I waited by the door for the police to arrive, unbeknownst to me (till later) he went downstairs and spoke to the girls.
I was shocked to learn from the police that in their interviews with the girls they both claimed to have not seen anything ( one said her eyes were closed). Due to the conflicting reports, no charges were laid.
Again without my knowledge, the CAS visited the school and also interviewed the girls separately. The worker later told me that in these interviews the girls told the worker that they did see me pushed across the room and into their bunk bed ladder.
Well, that was when I decided we had all been walking on eggshells long enough...interestingly it was only a few weeks prior to this incident that he told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted out of the relationship, but had not and to my knowledge still has not taken any action on this, with the exception of letting me know that he would be taking the kids "50/50" and would therefore not be responsible for any child support payments. (!) He indicated that if I intended to "make this difficult" it would be very costly for me, and did I want to throw away all that money. What money... I should note that although I now earn a decent income, for several years while the children were young I worked part-time, but I was always expected to be responsible for all our utilities, car and house insurance, food, clothing, child care expenses, extracurriculars, vacations, pet care, tutoring and educational evaluations for the children, who as it turns out all have diagnoses of ADHD and anxiety disorders, while he (also earning a decent income) covered the mortgage, car payments and home maintenance and repairs. This division (as I tried many times to get him to see) meant that I was barely making it from paycheck to paycheck, sometimes with the help of credit cards, while he always had a comfortable "cushion" and plenty of spending money. I should also note that he owns 3 vehicles, I drive the oldest one (12 years old and not in great shape), another worry as I require a vehicle for my job.
End result: despite my income, my financial situation is not great, while he is pretty much all set financially. Without access to costly legal services, what are the chances of my concerns regarding custody being heard and being able to ensure my kids' safety and well being?
He has not been involved in their day to day care, arranged or taken them to medical appointments, counseling, tutoring, extracurriculars, school interviews or events, planned or participated in day trips or vacations, paid for clothes or gifts, or assisted with expenses associated with the kids' pets (which greatly help them with their anxiety). Since they were young he has had inappropriate expectations for their independence and at times when I was out did not supervise them, also is not accepting of the fact that due to their diagnoses they continue to require supervision and help with their fears and anxieties.
In general, he continues to show little awareness, acceptance or concern for their medical and educational special needs. Additionally, as the previous incident indicates, he is quite willing to involve the children in our disputes, and use their distress as leverage against me. And even without this consideration, just the idea of being forced into ongoing contact with him, given his manipulative and abusive pattern towards me... Not a good scenario for me or the kids.
He has said he is not willing to make the necessary repairs to make the home sale able until I agree to his custody plan. (There is a giant hole in the concrete floor in the basement that he made for some purpose, I kid you not). This is a problem because I don't have the means to move out until this happens, not having any savings, especially since the utility bills are in my name.
Then there is the issue of dividing up the property assets (home), I'm not sure where I stand here either, the home was purchased jointly by us, although the down payment came from an RRSP I was able to cash in at the time...
Anyway, any Insights or suggestions are very much welcomed...
Thanks
The abuse and destructive and controlling behavior has escalated over time, and recently while yelling and intimidating me, then entering my daughters' room in order to "make sure they knew what was going on" he threw me across the room while my daughters watched. When the yelling and threatening gestures continued despite their obvious distress, I called 911. By this time all 3 kids were hiding inthe basement. While I waited by the door for the police to arrive, unbeknownst to me (till later) he went downstairs and spoke to the girls.
I was shocked to learn from the police that in their interviews with the girls they both claimed to have not seen anything ( one said her eyes were closed). Due to the conflicting reports, no charges were laid.
Again without my knowledge, the CAS visited the school and also interviewed the girls separately. The worker later told me that in these interviews the girls told the worker that they did see me pushed across the room and into their bunk bed ladder.
Well, that was when I decided we had all been walking on eggshells long enough...interestingly it was only a few weeks prior to this incident that he told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted out of the relationship, but had not and to my knowledge still has not taken any action on this, with the exception of letting me know that he would be taking the kids "50/50" and would therefore not be responsible for any child support payments. (!) He indicated that if I intended to "make this difficult" it would be very costly for me, and did I want to throw away all that money. What money... I should note that although I now earn a decent income, for several years while the children were young I worked part-time, but I was always expected to be responsible for all our utilities, car and house insurance, food, clothing, child care expenses, extracurriculars, vacations, pet care, tutoring and educational evaluations for the children, who as it turns out all have diagnoses of ADHD and anxiety disorders, while he (also earning a decent income) covered the mortgage, car payments and home maintenance and repairs. This division (as I tried many times to get him to see) meant that I was barely making it from paycheck to paycheck, sometimes with the help of credit cards, while he always had a comfortable "cushion" and plenty of spending money. I should also note that he owns 3 vehicles, I drive the oldest one (12 years old and not in great shape), another worry as I require a vehicle for my job.
End result: despite my income, my financial situation is not great, while he is pretty much all set financially. Without access to costly legal services, what are the chances of my concerns regarding custody being heard and being able to ensure my kids' safety and well being?
He has not been involved in their day to day care, arranged or taken them to medical appointments, counseling, tutoring, extracurriculars, school interviews or events, planned or participated in day trips or vacations, paid for clothes or gifts, or assisted with expenses associated with the kids' pets (which greatly help them with their anxiety). Since they were young he has had inappropriate expectations for their independence and at times when I was out did not supervise them, also is not accepting of the fact that due to their diagnoses they continue to require supervision and help with their fears and anxieties.
In general, he continues to show little awareness, acceptance or concern for their medical and educational special needs. Additionally, as the previous incident indicates, he is quite willing to involve the children in our disputes, and use their distress as leverage against me. And even without this consideration, just the idea of being forced into ongoing contact with him, given his manipulative and abusive pattern towards me... Not a good scenario for me or the kids.
He has said he is not willing to make the necessary repairs to make the home sale able until I agree to his custody plan. (There is a giant hole in the concrete floor in the basement that he made for some purpose, I kid you not). This is a problem because I don't have the means to move out until this happens, not having any savings, especially since the utility bills are in my name.
Then there is the issue of dividing up the property assets (home), I'm not sure where I stand here either, the home was purchased jointly by us, although the down payment came from an RRSP I was able to cash in at the time...
Anyway, any Insights or suggestions are very much welcomed...
Thanks
Comment