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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #11  
Old 10-10-2012, 10:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I've been working a lot the past little bit so I haven't been on much but while goofing off on my lunch hour today...I'm reading some previous forum posts and noticing a pattern.

The pattern being the number of posters who come into the forum with their minds already made up about their position being the only right one.

Its somewhat interesting to see the progression of the thread when the described poster begins to realize that everyone else in the world might not see things their exact way. You see some common statements made..things like, ie:


1. You're all bitter and spiteful and have a chip on your shoulders...
2. I should have never bothered asking advice on some unqualified divorce forum....
3. You don't know the whole story...(often followed by a litany of irrelevant emotional background details)...

...and then my personal favorite...

4. I'm going to prevail anyway!!


I know that this mentality is probably very commonplace for those with control issues. The overwhelming belief that despite what anyone says...THEY ARE RIGHT! I'm sometimes not even sure if they read or comprehend the contrary point of view that they're given.

They often believe that they are the GATEKEEPER of the kids even pre-separation agreement when Canadian Divorce Law clearly states assumed 50/50 custody (or where sole custody orders exacerbate the condition because they often don't understand what sole custody means)...they need to micromanage their kids and their ex...they have over-involvement in details of their ex's lives, particularly the obsessive need to know every detail of their ex's romantic life....the need to be validated (ie, everything I say is right) and when they aren't, the resulting vehement anger.

Obviously these types don't come to the forum for advice...they come here for validation of their "right-fighter" position. They truly don't understand their involvement in the ongoing conflict. They easily justify their own selfishness using their children at any opportunity.

Its just very bizarre and a little disturbing to me how many of these types that there are. You have to worry how awful it must be for a kid to have a parent/parents who are so self-absorbed and self-serving that they become blind to even impartial and fair advice.
You have a valid point, but consider that most people going through this (I would hope) truly believe they are in the right. They may not have any knowledge of Law, but from their perspective they are therefore doing the right thing by persuing their claims.

This board is invaluable for the reality check that some people need, but the courts exisit for the very reason of determining whom is 'right' and who is 'wrong' in a (somewhat) civilized fashion.

Furthermore, what is 'right' in one situation is not always 'right' in another.

It is a difficult path to navigate when one frst embarks on the emotional roller-coaster of divorce and custodial life events. Let's not be too harsh on them.
  #12  
Old 10-10-2012, 10:16 PM
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I think it's fair to say that many of us have been hardened (for lack of a better word) by our various experiences, and often that comes through in what/how we write. It's not necessarily a 'bad' thing. It's just a thing. It is what it is, as we so often hear.
  #13  
Old 10-10-2012, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
I think you meant to say they look subjectively at the issues and not "objectively".



Objective + Subjective
Tayken,

Yes, you are correct . Thank you! I believe I meant to say objectively vs subjectively though, but I know what you meant.

We all have difficultly seeing our own situations due to our emotions being in the way.

Last edited by OhMy; 10-10-2012 at 10:31 PM. Reason: Added to it.
  #14  
Old 10-11-2012, 12:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhMy View Post
Tayken,

Yes, you are correct . Thank you! I believe I meant to say objectively vs subjectively though, but I know what you meant.

We all have difficultly seeing our own situations due to our emotions being in the way.
No problem. I had assumed that based on your history of posting and just wanted to clarify it.

Emotions run high in family law matters. It is a very unique area of law and in my opinion needs mental health workers and not lawyers as the primary advocates for parents in custody disputes.
  #15  
Old 10-11-2012, 12:58 AM
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Thanks for the book suggestions.
  #16  
Old 10-11-2012, 01:52 AM
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In other words those that benefit most from this board, are those that are willing to listen to the contrary or alternative point of views, listen to the possible objections, and are able to handle posters that pull no punches in expressing their opinion forthright.

The criticism raised here will most likely be expressed by the opposing counsel/party. You can use all this to your strength and advantage in better preparing your material, refining your argument and perhaps putting emotions aside and look at the situation objectively.

In the end, if you are heading in to court, the only thing that is going to matter is how your evidence/story/argument is viewed by the Judge. So, if more then one person on this board points out that your argument is full of holes or has no merit, more then likely, it will be viewed the same by the presiding judge.

Last edited by Nadia; 10-11-2012 at 01:55 AM.
  #17  
Old 10-11-2012, 10:48 AM
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Great post and spot on.

I have posted on other forums when the subject of divorce or marriage comes up and been labelled a troll, a misogynist or at best a complete asshole. People who haven't been through it really have no idea... and I wish they did.

Sometimes I wish I had had the money to drag my ex to court and fight for what is legally mine. She was set on "being right" and said her and her family didn't care what was legal they would bury me.

In the end though, it was better to get on with my life the best I could and learn from the mistakes we both made.
  #18  
Old 10-11-2012, 11:26 AM
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Wisdom and the strength/ability to move past and move on is far more valuable than fighting for (a lot of) things. There are many individuals who refuse to see the "big picture" and take no accountability for their actions. Blame, blame blame. Must be convenient to have someone else to blame for everything, all the time.

What a tiny world one must live in, to do that.. To be that way, to remain that way. *sigh*
  #19  
Old 10-11-2012, 12:49 PM
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Excerpt from R. Niebuhr's Serenity prayer (words slightly changed from original).

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
  #20  
Old 10-11-2012, 03:19 PM
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My accountant, who I met during this process, had some very wise words for me.

He helped me with my financial disclosures and Asset evaluations.

In the end, after the sale of our house(which I solely had made 17 years of payments on), I could pay off all the joint debt, keep my RRSP, and my STBX got a big bucket of cash. She refused to put the cash inheritence from her father, or the value of the half of a townhouse into the assets even though that is the proper process. Yes I am well aware inherited items can't be split. She also refused to accept the estimates of my pension and RRSP before our marriage - they have since melded into my locked in RRSP, and the company that would have the numbers has gone out of business.

So in the end, depending on what numbers were accepted, she would end up owing me between 5 and 10,000.

We had agreed verbally that when the house sold, we would split 50/50 the net, and adjust when the separation agreement was signed. She then changed her mind and directed the money in a trust to force me to sign an unbalanced SA. I had creditors all over me, and needed to free the money to keep my sanity.

She also refused any kind of shared custody with fixed access, instead she insisted on "liberal" access at the children's acceptance.

So I signed the SA, accepted the unfairness and moved on.

I lamented about this to my accountant, and he wisely told me it was probably the smartest thing I could have done. To fight it would have cost me much time, energy, frustration and money. And if I gained $5000, I would probably have spent that much in legal fees to get it.

Sometimes we need an outside perspective to see things for what they are. Life is sometimes unfair, lamenting about it won't help. Sometimes moving on and looking forward is the thing to do.
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