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  #1  
Old 09-18-2012, 04:03 PM
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Default Rant about divorce

I just want to rant.

I hate this place of separation/divorce. I've been separated for 5 years, still not fn divorced, my ex and I are not friends despite having been married for 14 years and having 3 kids together. I don't trust her, she won't follow agreements or tell me what she wants. We settled everything years ago and pay support based on income but don't have a comprehensive SA. Her lawyer is an angry negative advocate that is unwilling to even talk to me or create an agreement and is costing my ex (and subsequently my kids) thousands.

I come here every stinking day and read how crappy, greedy, and stupid people are. Yet, I can't walk away because I need to continue to learn so that I can be prepared because my ex is seeking things which ignore reality and won't settle out of court. It has been almost a year since she filed and we have had only one CC so far.

I have to represent myself to save me from the burden of paying someone 4x what I make - make that is before taxes, child support, and spousal support - probably about 13x after considering that.

Despite having 3 kids 50/50 and paying offset CS with a written CS agreement and agreeing with my ex, the CRA continually denies my dependent claim which is about $10000 more in taxes that I have had to pay over 5 years.

When I go out on first dates, half the time we sit and bash our ex's and talk about the frustration of it all.

My ex forwards email exchanges, where we are arguing about money, to my kids.

My ex has recently discussed with our kids more than once moving 3 hours away, from an area with plenty of jobs, to an area with limited jobs, for financial reasons, and has told me she will take the kids with her. This of course stresses out my kids. I live in the home they were born in. The only financial benefit from moving would be getting full CS, which only a stupid person would consider when it is clear the cost of raising the kids solo would cancel that out. Just that she would mention taking the kids away causes me great pause that this person I married would be willing to do that to me and her kids.

For about a month she told me she would call the cops if I showed up at her door (because we had an argument about money - with no yelling and no name calling) and so I waited in the car for pick up/drops offs. Meanwhile during that month, she gladly walked into my house on occasion to pick up the kids.

No shortage of angry emails from the ex that make no sense - like being yelled at for sharing 'medical' information by asking mutual friends about a recommendation for kids orthodontist.

There are many here who have it worse, but I am so sick of it. I have avoided pushing for completing the SA and divorce because I know that how we initially split was fair, and I was not willing to go to court as I was not looking for a change, just closure.

Still 5 years!! Not to mention the on and off again 3 years before that that it took my ex to decide to end the marriage - off with the ring, on with the ring...

My life though, is good, great actually, but this one part of it is a constant drag.

It confuses me how horrible this is, when I thought I had married someone who would never act this way, and how naive I was when it happened to my friends before it happened to me.

The most disorienting thing is - her rant would be similar I suspect

Last edited by billm; 09-18-2012 at 04:07 PM.
  #2  
Old 09-18-2012, 04:14 PM
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Hey Bill - good thing you're ranting here and not at the ex. I sympathize with your situation and know how frustrating it is to have someone in your life that prevents you from getting on with your life. I got divorced quickly but the ex continually takes me to court. He bitches about paying high SS but is intent on keeping me from getting on with my life. Doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

Reading through your rant I see that you have regular contact with your ex. The emails have become toxic. Maybe it's time again to put some boundaries up and only communicate about the kids.

If you're not emailing or speaking to her all the time then she won't have as much opportunity to lob threats at you.

What's the old advice: Rinse and repeat?
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:25 PM
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Thanks arabian.

It's good advice. I do try to limit the he said she said stuff, but I do defend myself, perhaps I should limit that.

I think my emails are solution focused and her's accusatory - we only argue through email though, and face to face we put on a good show, most of which (on my end anyway), is real - we do know more about our kids than anyone.

I want to be friends again because we will be tied through the kids forever (and no I never want to be with her again). I'm a strong person and I can handle for the most part her attacks - I've got great friends and family.

It's all name calling - no sticks and stones (except for the effort defending myself in court). Also, as we split our assets fairly already (IMHO) and because I make more I write the support cheques, I am satisfied that the support issues are being handle fairly and I am not being ripped off (I follow guidelines). Thanks goodness, she's not the cheque writer - I'd never get a dime.
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:30 PM
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I think there should be a special 'rant' category. I identify with many of the things you said. I would hope you could prevent her from moving 3 hours away!

I feel I've lost several years of my life. I find it difficult to start/have/keep new relationships. I am up and down with it all. Some days I can laugh. Other days it feels never ending. I want out but I'm in too deep. And to think: I left him. Best thing I ever did.

We all beat ourselves up for being naïve and too trusting. Truth is, we didn't see so much of it coming. Such is life.

There's plenty of times I don't agree with you billm, and I've still got a ways to go on my journey too (still learning) but I do wish you well and hope some day soon you/we/I can say "yeah, it's finally over." (The part that feels like it won't ever be).
  #5  
Old 09-18-2012, 04:31 PM
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I think you should focus more on getting yourself a well-rounded social life (new girlfriend perhaps?). I know the temptation to try to be friends with the ex. I think it's a normal process of the divorce-grieving process but you have to ask yourself if it's really healthy to be friends? You say you are glad that you aren't the one on the receiving financial end as you'd be unlikely to get any money from her. You like friends who are cheap? I think you can do better than that. Be good to yourself. Get out and have some fun.

Now I have to take my own advice.....
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:42 PM
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Lol Arabian. You're gonna get a new gf???

I'm gonna post a big rant soon. I feel one coming on hahaha. Thanks billm for reminding us that we are all human and feel a lot of the same frustrations.

You are fortunate to have great friends and family. I wouldn't be friends w/my ex if my life depended on it but it's admirable that you even wish you could be (w/your ex).

It's a chapter in the book that is your life. It's over but it's not closed. Take the high road as much as possible. Your kids will respect that tremendously and one day, one day, your ex will just be the mother of your children. Someone that at one time, meant a lot to you. Without her, you wouldn't have those kids you love so much. Hopefully, she will see things that way one day too.
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Old 09-18-2012, 04:45 PM
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no I'm not a *editted* - careful now, slughead will get all worked up LOL

Last edited by blinkandimgone; 09-18-2012 at 05:52 PM. Reason: That kind of bigoted comment is not necessary or tolerated here.
  #8  
Old 09-18-2012, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
I think you should focus more on getting yourself a well-rounded social life (new girlfriend perhaps?). I know the temptation to try to be friends with the ex. I think it's a normal process of the divorce-grieving process but you have to ask yourself if it's really healthy to be friends? You say you are glad that you aren't the one on the receiving financial end as you'd be unlikely to get any money from her. You like friends who are cheap? I think you can do better than that. Be good to yourself. Get out and have some fun.

Now I have to take my own advice.....
Thanks arabian.

Perhaps friend is too strong a word. I do consider her family though - my personal view, I understand some can't do that. Family that I don't want over for dinner, but family none the less. I won't be her friend again or have her over until she earns it by treating me as a friend. Otherwise she is the mother of my kids and if she needs me, I'll be there, but not at the expense of disrespecting myself.

I have no problem forgiving her (she has not crossed any lines that I can't handle) and she really can't do anything to me that she is not doing to herself - court is hard on both of us.

I have had some real relationships and also date frequently, and my social calendar is full, the grieving process is far behind me.
  #9  
Old 09-18-2012, 06:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
I come here every stinking day and read how crappy, greedy, and stupid people are. Yet, I can't walk away because I need to continue to learn so that I can be prepared because my ex is seeking things which ignore reality and won't settle out of court. It has been almost a year since she filed and we have had only one CC so far.
FYI: There is a time limit to an Application brought forward to the court with no movement in the matter. The Application may go cold after a year... They should notify both parties before they close it all up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
I have to represent myself to save me from the burden of paying someone 4x what I make - make that is before taxes, child support, and spousal support - probably about 13x after considering that.
Well, if you give a family law lawyer 6 weeks of vacation, they work the rest of the time but, are only "billable" for 50% of that time... Work 7.5 hours a day...

@ 265 an hour they can make 228,000 / year
@ 500 an hour they can make 430,000 / year
@ 120 an hour they can make 103,000 / year

So, your calculations are probably dead-on there Billm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
Despite having 3 kids 50/50 and paying offset CS with a written CS agreement and agreeing with my ex, the CRA continually denies my dependent claim which is about $10000 more in taxes that I have had to pay over 5 years.
Do you have a court order with an access schedule defined? If so I can help write a painfully detailed letter to CRA that will get that resolved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
When I go out on first dates, half the time we sit and bash our ex's and talk about the frustration of it all.
Can't help you with that one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
My ex forwards email exchanges, where we are arguing about money, to my kids.
Excellent evidence should they go on motion or to trial.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
My ex has recently discussed with our kids more than once moving 3 hours away, from an area with plenty of jobs, to an area with limited jobs, for financial reasons, and has told me she will take the kids with her. This of course stresses out my kids. I live in the home they were born in. The only financial benefit from moving would be getting full CS, which only a stupid person would consider when it is clear the cost of raising the kids solo would cancel that out. Just that she would mention taking the kids away causes me great pause that this person I married would be willing to do that to me and her kids.
I have plenty of case law to back you up on this one Billm. Plenty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
For about a month she told me she would call the cops if I showed up at her door (because we had an argument about money - with no yelling and no name calling) and so I waited in the car for pick up/drops offs. Meanwhile during that month, she gladly walked into my house on occasion to pick up the kids.
This is psychologically abusive conduct. Hopefully the other parent committed this threat of a criminal action against you into email or something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
No shortage of angry emails from the ex that make no sense - like being yelled at for sharing 'medical' information by asking mutual friends about a recommendation for kids orthodontist.
Patterns of a highly conflicted person. Hopefully matters settle but, will be significant evidence should matters return on motion or go to trial.

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
There are many here who have it worse, but I am so sick of it. I have avoided pushing for completing the SA and divorce because I know that how we initially split was fair, and I was not willing to go to court as I was not looking for a change, just closure.
What elements remain to settle?

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
Still 5 years!! Not to mention the on and off again 3 years before that that it took my ex to decide to end the marriage - off with the ring, on with the ring...
"Hoovering" is what it is called. It is a common behaviour of a highly conflicted person.

Out of the FOG - Hoovers and Hoovering

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
My life though, is good, great actually, but this one part of it is a constant drag.

It confuses me how horrible this is, when I thought I had married someone who would never act this way, and how naive I was when it happened to my friends before it happened to me.

The most disorienting thing is - her rant would be similar I suspect
Then, why doesn't she settle matters and continue to fight things out, debate irrelivant issues etc... ? Might I suggest that this is how the other parent is staying connected and involved in your life. Because with closer comes the fear of abandonment for many highly conflicted people. Even in conflict they maintain a connection. Very hard psychological concept to consider but, there is plenty of clinical research to support it.

"It's All Your Fault" - by William Eddy. Billm, if you haven't read it... Now might be a really good time. Lots of great stuff in there.

As a highly respected poster, if you need anything... i.e. case law, forms, links to agreements, etc... Post and I am quite sure everyone will be there to provide as much insight as we possibly can.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #10  
Old 09-18-2012, 07:15 PM
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liked the rant, if it makes Bill feel any better I'm still in court fighting an ex 14 years later. My ex thought the grass was greener on the other side and 14 years later shes still single..lol. Bill it is worse out there I got a friend at work who's living in his basement while his ex bangs his best friend(yeah his best buddy) upstairs and he has 2 handicapped kids...and she didn't work!....anyways you come into life alone (with no money) and you go out alone (without your money) there are no gaureentee's in life and have no expectations other than your own mental health and roll with the punches lifes short....never get married again or put a chick through the roller coaster your on.......at the the 5 year mark of your mess your dreams are shattered and you need new ones,,,everyone has to have "hope" to carry on...thus hopeless is the common phrase for the bitterly divorced...work on hope for the future and walk towards it. Wayne Dwyer said it best with infinite patience your reward is peace. and we all want that....regards
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