Teens who want to know too much...

[denbigh]

My (young) teen wants to details about why divorcing. I say Adult problems are for adults, which is an unsatisfying of an answer to the teen and occasionally presses for more info. I sought advice from a psychologist before hand and tried to follow that, and don't intend to dump all the marital problems on my teen, but not sure how to handle the insistence of wanting to know. How have you delt with teenagers and divorce? do you plan to tell you child more when they are adults, if they want to know, or if you have adult children, did they know the real reasons for the divorce?

[Stillbreathing]

I don't need to tell my kids why I'm divorcing their dad. He was abusive to them as well as me. In fact , when we separated this last time 6 years ago my eldest who was 16 at the time , told me if I went back to him again he would move out and go live with friends. He now refused to have anything to do with his dad and we have a great relationship. My ex is notorious for pulling out court documents to discuss with the younger kids who are now early teens. He does this during supervised visits. The kids refuse to look at the papers and the supervisors make him put them away. They know why we are divorcing. One of them asked once for more details and I said that I wasn't supposed to discuss the litigation with them and could get in trouble with the judge if I did.

[foreverhome]

Kids are not dumb, especially teenagers. I think it's ok to tell the truth why you divorced him/her. For example "I divorced my spouse because she/he was cheating" or "I divorced, because I don't love him/her anymore". Be honest with older kids.

[standing on the sidelines]

Kids are not dumb, especially teenagers. I think it's ok to tell the truth why you divorced him/her. For example "I divorced my spouse because she/he was cheating" or "I divorced, because I don't love him/her anymore". Be honest with older kids.

if they are so smart then they probably have figured it out themselves. I dont believe it is the kids business to know the details, just like when they get older they dont have to tell their parents about their relationships.

The truth can be what one perceives as their truth. It may not be the real truth but in that persons eyes it is.

[foreverhome]

Of course if you don't feel comfortable, don't tell. What I'm saying is that it's ok to tell truth to your kids why you divorcing your spouse if they ask and you comfortable with it.

[mcdreamy]

I can’t think of any benefit whatsoever to a teenager child in one parent confiding the details of their divorce. I definitely don’t think personal information should come from one parent.

No matter the cause of the dissolution of the relationship (barring violence, abuse), both parents continue to remain parents, and those relationships should be supported.

I suppose the only perceived benefit is be to the parent who spills – in bashing/blaming the other and setting up a child to ‘choose’ between the two parents.

Other than “your mom/dad is a great mom/dad, but we just don’t get along as a couple, we’ll still be parenting you together and loving you, so don’t worry, we’ll sort out the details together and we’ll laugh and drink at your bat mitzvah” – what more needs to be said?

[foreverhome]

I think it's ok for a teenager to know the truth. Mom says why she divorce, dad says why he divorce. Every family and relationship is different. It doesn't have to be detailed, but you don't have to lie to your grown child about why you divorce.

[Berner_Faith]

I think it's ok for a teenager to know the truth. Mom says why she divorce, dad says why he divorce. Every family and relationship is different. It doesn't have to be detailed, but you don't have to lie to your grown child about why you divorce.

I don't think anyone said lie but some things are just none of their business. My husbands ex wife emailed him after 7 years or marriage and told him not to come home. What benefit would that have to telling the children? Only thing that would come out of telling the children their mother broke off the marriage would be to try and turn them against their mother.

From what I understand (and of course I only know one side) they had a toxic relationship. Always arguing and fighting, money issues, etc. Nothing physical but they were also young when they got married. His ex told him in email that she hasn't loved him or been happy for two years, at that time their daughter was under a year old. How would it make his daughter feel if she knew the "truth" about what her mother said?

There is no reason for children to know the details of a divorce. Just like their is no reason for them to know about finances of their parents or other personal information. Why do parents feel the need to burden their children with adult matters? That is something I will never understand. Let children be children for god sakes.


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[arabian]

I think most mature adult children could care less about the nitty-gritty details of parent's failed marriage, particularly if the marriage has been over for some time. Why dwell on the past anyhow? Better to have young people embrace life in forward-looking manner.... make choices and be aware that there are consequences of choices (good and bad).

Discussing personal matters and biased reasons for one individual's perspective of reason for failed marriage is a lame-assed way to make impressionable teenagers judge and jury. A parent who participates in this nonsense simply can't move on with their life and is extremely insecure.... a good candidate for psychological counselling. I would say further that a participating in a child's desire to play the "blame game" is immature behavior.

[foreverhome]

Some kids care, some don't. It's up to the the mom/dad tell "why". And if one of the parents cheat, for example, they feel betrayal on all level. And maybe kid wants to talk about it with his therapist and it's ok. Kids need closure. And if they are asking "why" it means they need it.

[arabian]

Some kids care, some don't. It's up to the the mom/dad tell "why". And if one of the parents cheat, for example, they feel betrayal on all level. And maybe kid wants to talk about it with his therapist and it's ok. Kids need closure. And if they are asking "why" it means they need it.

So you think it's okay to then provide reason for cheating? I mean.... where does one draw the line? Discussion into the "whys" of someone's cheating would be a natural line of questioning for a teen (or anyone for that matter).

Kid's need to know that they are loved, unconditionally, by both parents. That is all. What happened between the parents is business best left for parents to sort out. If mom or dad need to talk about the issue they are better off to seek their own therapist than laying their shit on their children. Seeking assurance from one's children is perverse IMO.

[foreverhome]

What happened between parents - affect kids for the rest of their life. Some parents are just dumb to realize it and do whatever without thinking how their action affect their children for the rest of their life. Yes, they need being loved, unconditionally. But action speak louder than words, some act in such way that question "why" is unavoidable. Sometimes it's better tell your child the truth, than lie.

[arabian]

I wonder what the chances are of both parents sitting down with the teenager to explain what "the truth" is?

[standing on the sidelines]

What happened between parents - affect kids for the rest of their life. Some parents are just dumb to realize it and do whatever without thinking how their action affect their children for the rest of their life. Yes, they need being loved, unconditionally. But action speak louder than words, some act in such way that question "why" is unavoidable. Sometimes it's better tell your child the truth, than lie.

no one is suggesting to lie to the kids, just that it isnt their business. Lots of things affect kids and this is just another thing that shapes them into who they will be.

An example for you to think about. One spouse is beating the other. The second spouse grabs the others wrists or slaps their hand away in self defence. First spouse then tells the kids that the second spouse assaulted them even though it was in self defence and they dont tell the kids they were beating the second spouse first.

Its a very slippery slope.

[rockscan]

If your teen wants to know something that you dont wish to share that isnt related to your divorce what do you do? Do you share?

Theres no need to include the kids or worry about them knowing too much. Parents are able to keep secrets (see: Santa Claus et al.) This whole "I have to tell the kids the truth" is bs. You tell your teens this is between you and their other parent and there is nothing else to know. Reasonable people keep the kids out of it. Unreasonable people use the kids as a tool and tell them "their side".