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Married for 4.5 years, regret every minute. Met someone else. Now what?

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  • #46
    Originally posted by janedoe99 View Post
    I would think long about it before you make a decision and don't make it simply to get with the new girl. There is a good chance once her true colors come out that it won't work. Then you lost your wife. So if you leave your wife...be prepared to not have either.
    I can assure you that my decision to leave my wife was not based on a new interest alone. I have been miserable for years. This was simply the straw that broke me, so to speak. In any case, after a chat, we're holding off all contact until things get settled.

    Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
    Ok...it's Saturday...what happened???
    So, I moved much of my stuff on Thursday night. We talked on Friday and, as expected, she flipped. Yelled. Screamed. Swore. It wasn't fun. And then she, again, promised to change and not kick me out again. I spent much of the day there, talking, and she begged me to spend the night (in the guest room). I did. And the conversation continued on Saturday. I told her, flat out, that I saw two options: we could stay together and continue being miserable for... Who knows how long. Or, we could split, and be miserable for a while, then guarantee we'd move on and feel better. This fight was worse than Friday and she, again broke her promise not to kick me out. I left for the weekend, convincing her that a break may let us get a better perspective. I agreed to go back today to talk. Again.

    She missed the point of the weekend, and text messaged me every hour. And bought a workbook. And is "so glad we both want to spend the time to fix this. Even if we are miserable for the rest of our lives".

    So... Round... 4 today?

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    • #47
      Dubby:

      Just a question? What on earth are you doing?

      She flips out and you sleep in the guest room, then do the exactly same thing the next day..then she kicks you out..calls you a zillion times and now you're going back for more??

      What exactly are you after? Do you just get wood over the silly-ass, useless attention...or are you someone who enjoys noise and drama?

      Clearly you're doing nothing concrete to fix or maintain a relationship as you've set zero criteria for her/your behavior or for relationship success.

      So when does it end and what are you looking for here...sympathy?

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      • #48
        Oh pick me! I think I know what's going on!

        His ex is calling him over and over, hoping he'll suddenly change his mind and admit he was wrong and blurt out that it was all a test of her love for him, and things will magically go back to how they were in the beginning.

        He is going back over and over, hoping that she'll suddenly clue in that she was wrong all along, agree that separating is best for both of them and give him a big smile as she waves him out the door, so then he can leave her for good with a clear conscience.

        Reality lies somewhere in between. Right now, they are still both trying to 'win' the encounters, as neither of them has figured out it simply can't be done yet.

        When I see these types of posts, I feel so jaded, seeing yet another newbie slowly descend into the mire of divorce. At least this guy is coming back to tell us how it turns out, so we might know the end of this episode. The ones that vanish or huff off always leave me wondering.

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        • #49
          So long as their is no child created during their reconciliation...before the next breakup...

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          • #50
            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
            Dubby:
            Just a question? What on earth are you doing?
            ...
            Clearly you're doing nothing concrete to fix or maintain a relationship as you've set zero criteria for her/your behavior or for relationship success.
            I was actually trying to fix our marriage. I had sought help, read book,s talked with her, changed habits that irritated her - anything and everything I could do on my own. It wasn't enough, kept me getting yelled at and I got tired of it.

            Why I continue (Or have for the last while) is beyond me, too.

            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
            His ex is calling him over and over, hoping he'll suddenly change his mind and admit he was wrong and blurt out that it was all a test of her love for him, and things will magically go back to how they were in the beginning.

            He is going back over and over, hoping that she'll suddenly clue in that she was wrong all along, agree that separating is best for both of them and give him a big smile as she waves him out the door, so then he can leave her for good with a clear conscience.

            Reality lies somewhere in between. Right now, they are still both trying to 'win' the encounters, as neither of them has figured out it simply can't be done yet.

            When I see these types of posts, I feel so jaded, seeing yet another newbie slowly descend into the mire of divorce. At least this guy is coming back to tell us how it turns out, so we might know the end of this episode. The ones that vanish or huff off always leave me wondering.
            First, I plan on returning more. While some of the feedback I get around here is harsh, blunt or cold - I'm appreciative of it. Constructive criticism, and all that.

            Going back to how things were in the beginning would be an improvement - but would still be far from rosy - we've always had some pretty major fights. The second scenario (Smiles and a clear conscience) sounds nice. Why can't reality be more like that?

            -

            I suppose a bit of a new update is in order. I did return on Monday, to a few changes. When we were splitting for the weekend, I had given her three things I'd hoped she'd do: Commit to us (With books, videos and such), commit to herself (Better eating, a return to old hobbies and so on) and commit to me (By admitting to our families what she has been doing all of these years).

            I went back on Monday: to 3 books, all with bookmarks in them, the workbook filled out part-way; a whole new mini-gym and crafting/scrapbooking area in the basement, and a phone in her hand: before I could get a word in, she had her parents on the line, admitted the ultimatums and was in tears.

            While I want out, I did agree to one last try after the display I saw. I have never seen her actually TRY like this - it's nearly always just words - so if she's putting forward this much effort - I figure I owe it to her to give it a shot. She's been given ground rules, though: I want to see her stick with this, I will be calling her bluffs and calling when I'm not happy, and one threat of any sort, and I'm gone. I told her I'd re-evaluate in time (I'm leaning towards every 2 weeks or so). She's also agreed to seek therapy.

            I do, very much, regret not just parting for good on Saturday - a task that is far easier said than done, and would likely be easier yet if I didn't actually care about her and want to see her happy. My problem, I know, is that I don't have the balls to just step up, dump things, and walk without letting her tears and jeers get to me.

            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
            Dubby:
            So when does it end and what are you looking for here...sympathy?
            No - I'm hoping for feedback, lessons and a place to vent. So far, so good.

            Comment


            • #51
              Well Dubby....good luck.

              Personally, I think no one changes in a weekend and I would have left for a while to give both of you enough time alone to really consider your options and make real progress on changes. Compatibility isn't just a wish in marriage, its the difference between success and failure in my opinion. But that's just me. I do give you kudos for setting success criteria and making an effort to try.

              If you were you, however, I'd triple bag my junk and dispose of the condoms by "gasoline and match" because if you get her pregnant, you're sunk. I wouldn't rely on her method of birth control under any circumstances until you get this worked out for sure.

              I recommend a book Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books . It will give you some key questions to ask yourself going forward.

              Good luck and best wishes!

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              • #52
                Two things then:

                Counselling. Professional help can make a world of difference. You two don't need to muddle through this on your own.

                Contraception. As mentioned, a baby now would be the worst thing that could happen to a couple struggling to stay together. And she may use it as a weapon to guilt you into staying, so don't leave the responsibility up to her.

                Good luck!

                Comment


                • #53
                  Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                  Well Dubby....good luck.

                  Personally, I think no one changes in a weekend and I would have left for a while to give both of you enough time alone to really consider your options and make real progress on changes. Compatibility isn't just a wish in marriage, its the difference between success and failure in my opinion. But that's just me. I do give you kudos for setting success criteria and making an effort to try.

                  If you were you, however, I'd triple bag my junk and dispose of the condoms by "gasoline and match" because if you get her pregnant, you're sunk. I wouldn't rely on her method of birth control under any circumstances until you get this worked out for sure.

                  I recommend a book Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books . It will give you some key questions to ask yourself going forward.

                  Good luck and best wishes!
                  Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                  Two things then:

                  Counselling. Professional help can make a world of difference. You two don't need to muddle through this on your own.

                  Contraception. As mentioned, a baby now would be the worst thing that could happen to a couple struggling to stay together. And she may use it as a weapon to guilt you into staying, so don't leave the responsibility up to her.

                  Good luck!
                  Thanks to you both. I'm certainly going to go pick up that book. Probably within the hour.

                  So for as pregnancy: I was clear when I agreed to give this another chance, sex at all is off of the table until I see change continued for a few weeks. I don't want a weekend or week of progress - I want it stuck to before that happens. She wasn't happy, but understood and is willing to wait.

                  I agree that change doesn't happen in a weekend - but maybe the first steps do - and actually did - this time. We'll see what the next few weeks bring.

                  I will, of course, be back to update.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    So... It's been two weeks now since "the Monday" that I came home to some (minimal) change and things are... different. We've had a couple of fights, but nothing as large or as vicious as they were previously. So far as my big three go:

                    A committment to herself: She has been doing more pleasure reading, made close to 50 Christmas ornaments, has joined a swim group and is starting a yoga class in another week. Her committing to changes for herself was a request of mine in part because I wanted her to re-find the woman I (re-)met and fell in love with [instead of the cranky, depressed, bitter woman i'm currently married to] so that we could have a chance to fix things, and also so that if things don't get repaired, she can rely on this newly-re-found self to get her through. She's started (and quit) a new diet twice in the past two week, but the rest seems to (slowly) be there.

                    A committment to me: After the phone calls, there was a lot of in-fighting between our families and us - and our families and each-other. That's started to settle down. Some relatives (On each side) seem sympathetic to me, and others to her. I appreciate that much of what's been going on is more open now, though the actual ultimatums, for the most part, weren't shared - just that they existed. There's a lot of debate, now, over Christmas scheduling.

                    A committment to us: The bookmarks haven't moved. The workbook hasn't had anything added. A therapist has not been called. When I suggest talking about the state of our relationship, the subject is changed. That said, she has been making improvements on other things that I have been calling her on: She no longer spends dinner on the BlackBerry. She has started asking for my opinion on movies or restaurants. She didn't question me for 5 minutes when I added cookies while grocery shopping. Requests for favours and errands are now "Would you mind..." and "Do you have the time..." instead of "I need you to..." or "You should...". So a bit of a give and a take, here, really.

                    All in all - progress, in baby steps. But progress is progress, and I've expressed that it's moving more slowly than I'd like - and she has said she'll try to work on that. Part of me still wishes I had the courage to just end things that Saturday morning. Part of me is glad I didn't. If things get fixed, and we can both be happy, then perhaps this will all be worth it. It is strange, though, bing in a relationship where half (her) "desperately" wants everything to work, and the other have is neutral at best. I want us both to be happy - I'm just less stubborn in my thinking that we need to be together to reach that happiness.

                    I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot of thinking and a lot of talking. Have more ducks (paperwork, money and so on) in a row now - just in case. I keep asking if there's anything she's concerned with that she'd like me to do to fix things - and she says no. So the reading for my own growth, continues.

                    I'll update again soon.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      You know where this is going to go? You are going to slip, she will get pregnant and then she will know she's got you forever and all of these changes will slip away and she will become even more of a b*tch than ever before. Take this from a woman who is divorce amicably from start to finish but is currently watching this process happen to a male friend of mine.

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