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  • #46
    If you really pursue all those actions others encourage you to take against your ex, his access might be reduced from 50% to approx 35%. (EOW + 1 weekday) That would mean pretty much 0% decrease in the the negative influences the child is exposed to, so it is a waste of resources.

    Instead of trying to reduce the time he spends with his dad, make the 50% time he spends with you count more. You can tell him how uncool YOUR tattoos are and how pitiful the drogaddicts life, and you can take him to a nice vacation to show him what money earned by work can buy if not spent on drugs .

    The half-crazy dog is no good, I don't think anybody can help you with that.

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    • #47
      Originally posted by Helpless View Post
      This is by far the worst reply yet! But I can still see where you're coming from...behind your computer screen....

      In reply to you, I've never stated or spewed out that I hate my ex...I can't hate him, we're bound together for life! What I do hate is that our son is put in situations, by his father, that are really not ideal for any child.

      Again, my child is in no need of protection, he's fed, clothed, sheltered and not abused. But there are years of supporting evidence to why there are distinct clauses in our agreement. And ex seems to completely disregard the no dogs, no drugs around our child clauses.

      You're right "C'est la vie".....But my gut tells me not to stand on the side lines, separation agreement or not...and maybe it's simply because of my line of work, of seeing how easy it is for kids to go down the wrong path, even when they have responsible, loving, nurturing parents or not. I see families and situations (things you couldn't even imagine) everyday. But still this doesn't mean our son is going to go down that path, still, why not put all the chances of him living a good, productive and happy lifestyle, of which his father clearly cannot seem to grasp himself. It's sad really, I'm sad for my ex who's stuck in that mindset of such a negative lifestyle, to each their own, but NOT around our child!

      Your definition of drama is, well, silly...I think that you're relating drama with concerns and my concerns will never be "dialed" down.

      Lastly, choosing this thread to vent yourself is no problem to me, some days we just need to poop in someone's cornflakes...but it's no worries to me, I hope you felt better! Have a good day!
      "Oh the door I wished I had never opened!!"

      "Still in shock, I packed up S5 and left to head to my parent's for dinner."

      "Now last night, after S5 was sleeping, I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried for many hours."

      "That pain is definitely real, my protective nature kicking in full force.'

      "Will these things even prove that he doesn't have S5 best interests, safety, well-being in mind"
      Yep, not a drop of drama in there, right? No feelings of anger. You have nothing but best wishes for the man - you're *only* suggesting he should lose his kid(s) because he owns dogs and smokes pot - because those things outweigh being fatherless.

      You were with a man whom smoked pot and was a tattooist. And NOW you completely disagree with the lifestyle - but it wasn't a problem at the time - was it? Of course not, else you two would have never bumped uglies and had a child.

      I don't care really. Because, believe it not not I'm trying to help.

      But sure, go ahead. Waste all your energy on everything he does wrong in your opinion. That's the road to happiness, I promise.
      Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-19-2015, 08:50 PM.

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      • #48
        OMG ^^ Now the second worst ever reply.

        Keep tuning it up, WO
        Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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        • #49
          You never noticed the 'wretched' in my name?

          You figure she's better off if I tell her it's all unicorns and rainbows because she totally in the right - and her kid should be prevented from seeing Dad because she claims to have smelled pot, and Dads dogs have 'killed cats, and attacked people'?

          In the real world, people picked their childs' co-parent.
          And each and every one of us is stuck with that.

          You can either whine and complain, or get on with the reality of loving your children - and understanding Dad is doing just the same.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
            Yep, not a drop of drama in there, right? No feelings of anger. You have nothing but best wishes for the man - you're *only* suggesting he should lose his kid(s) because he owns dogs and smokes pot - because those things outweigh being fatherless.

            You were with a man whom smoked pot and was a tattooist. And NOW you completely disagree with the lifestyle - but it wasn't a problem at the time - was it? Of course not, else you two would have never bumped uglies and had a child.

            I don't care really. Because, believe it not not I'm trying to help.

            But sure, go ahead. Waste all your energy on everything he does wrong in your opinion. That's the road to happiness, I promise.
            Brilliant observation. I couldn't have put it better really. At times we try to support people with "advice" but some times the best advice is to point out that they are being petty. WO has a unique ability (that I lack) to do this in so few words.

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

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            • #51
              Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
              You never noticed the 'wretched' in my name?

              You figure she's better off if I tell her it's all unicorns and rainbows because she totally in the right - and her kid should be prevented from seeing Dad because she claims to have smelled pot, and Dads dogs have 'killed cats, and attacked people'?

              In the real world, people picked their childs' co-parent.
              And each and every one of us is stuck with that.

              You can either whine and complain, or get on with the reality of loving your children - and understanding Dad is doing just the same.
              I nominate this as the best advice for the month of February.

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              • #52
                I've raised dogs for many years and trust me on this - it would be very unusual for a dog of any breed (even so-called aggressive Pitbull's who btw are gentle, loving creatures by nature) to attack a member of their own 'family'. They may bark and growl when there's someone at the door, that's all part of their job as protectors. Unfortunately there's not much you or anyone else can do about it until something happens. With dogs as with ppl you are innocent until proven guilty.


                I had never been to his home, this was an eye opener. The apartment was dirty and had the distinct smell of weed. Ex has been a smoker for years, to which was the basis of many of our relationship problems and arguments. He is very proactive in the whole weed consumption/will solve worldly problems bit...

                His housekeeping habits are irrelevant unless there is a clear danger to the child. Pot smoking is nothing to be worried over unless he's actually selling it and/or going out of his way to fill the apartment with smoke ... Plenty of intact families have pot smokers and the kids turn out ok regardless.

                Still in shock, I packed up S5 and left to head to my parent's for dinner. At my parent's place, S5 started undressing from winter gear and he had multiple temporary tattoos on him. S5 then proudly showed us his collection, 29 tattoos to be correct. His arms, stomach, chest, back and neck are covered in skulls, guns, ninja turtles, flowers, dragons...This had happened previously and was discussed in post separation therapy and the therapist had come down on him and explained what "projection" was and how it could harm S5. It is also to be said that as of January, changes in our agreement were restricting ex to the exposure of S5 to ex's tattoo shop, no more than 30min/per day. I understand that this is ex's way of life but added the clause because people in our community had stated that our S5 was kept hours at a time in the shop, playing video games, running around, while ex tattoed clients.

                Running around and playing video games? Not the ideal situation, but I'm sure the kidlet will not be complaining ... most kids nowadays do exactly just that and turn out fine, though playing outside and partaking in educational activities is best - the real world is not perfect.

                Now last night, after S5 was sleeping, I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried for many hours. Thinking about what my son is being taught, what he observes while at his father's. That pain is definitely real, my protective nature kicking in full force. I ask myself and you these questions, when will enough be enough? Would the courts see four years of this crap, of ex not following court orders/agreements over and over and over again? Will these things even prove that he doesn't have S5 best interests, safety, well-being in mind...Needless to say, I will be contacting a lawyer shortly to seek advice.

                As a mother I can understand your fears, but honestly, I think that your worrying over these issues will probably do more harm to your child than the father's lifestyle. Children 'sense' their parents unease.

                Years ago my mother's generation had a term for this kind of parenting style, it was called 'good-enough parent', in other words your Ex is not the perfect Dad that you may hope for, but he's certainly not doing anything causing real harm to the child. It's up to you to learn to accept the parenting differences that each of you have ...

                Don't forget Dad is 50% of what makes your son unique - let go of the ideal of the perfect parent and you'll all do way better.
                Last edited by Janibel; 02-20-2015, 02:12 PM. Reason: typo

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                  OMG ^^ Now the second worst ever reply.

                  Keep tuning it up, WO
                  I don't know, I kind of like WretchedOtis' commentary. He's kind of blunt and contrary but expresses himself very well.

                  Also important to keep in mind that as much as Dad's lifestyle may bother Mom, Dad probably has qualities as a parent which benefit Kid, which Mom may not have. Trying to appreciate the strengths that the other parent brings to parenting, even when you can't stand the ^!%$#^!, can help to counterbalance the worries. I have no warm feelings about my ex, but I can see how he has more aptitude for some things than I do (and vice versa).

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                  • #54
                    Great advice everyone! Thanks!

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                    • #55
                      A little update,

                      I decided to send ex a text, in a friendly manner, saying,
                      "Hey, hope you are well, just wanted to ask if it would b possible to have your dogs stay elsewhere while S5 is in your care as stated in our agreement and also, and I am in no way trying to insult you or your home, but there was a distinct smell of weed in your apartment, not cool when S5 is around."

                      His reply "i knew you would talk shit next time ill bring him down cuz clearly we dont smoke weed or anything in the house cuz its a non-smoking apt and i had to pick up the dogs cuz my mom had to go to the doctors so sorry about that but the rest come on i knew you would try and find some kind of comment to make and to wait a week almost to mention it doesnt make sense if you were concerned"

                      Well, there you have it folks, I guess no matter how I put it, I should just shut up and look the other way. Oh and those are direct "quotes"

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                      • #56
                        Well, to me this sounds like an adequate answer. He's registered your concern about the dogs, and he's offended because you said his house smelled bad (not unreasonably). I think the best thing coming out of this is his renewed commitment to bringing Kid down rather than you coming up. That way you don't get worried over things you can't control, and he feels like he's got some privacy.

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                        • #57
                          Well you have concerns and you raised them. Often people say nothing and just simmer inside and then later they explode and do something they later regret.

                          You probably expected to receive a denial about the grass but he did acknowledge about the dogs. He sounds like he's not very bright because he just admitted to you that he didn't abide by court order. Aren't you glad you're not still with this person?

                          So I'd say you dealt with your issue by communicating your concern to the father. It may make a difference someday - you may never know.

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                          • #58
                            he gets a 9/10 for his response...

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                              he gets a 9/10 for his response...
                              I was thinking the same thing. He is firm, rejects the accusation, and sets a future standard that similar anxiety need not occur again.

                              At the same time, he apologises for unforeseen circumstances (why the dogs were there).

                              He lost a point for swearing, and lamenting on it even really being a concern in the first place, in a personal way.

                              From that brief knowledge alone I would guess he's a solid guy and has his head on straight.

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                              • #60
                                Really? I'd penalize a point for swearing, and a few more for the poor grammar and spelling and complete and utter lack of punctuation in that run-on sentence. When I see something written that badly, I can't even get to the content. Never mind drugs and dogs, this kid is going to fail at school!

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