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Help! The ex's boyfriend arrested for having child porn

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  • Help! The ex's boyfriend arrested for having child porn

    I don't know what to do; my ex's boyfriend (common law husband?) was formally charged with possession of child porn and is not allowed to have any contact my children. CAS and police are involved. Ex says he is innocent. It happened a month ago, but I just found out. She made the kids keep this information from me as well.

    Boyfriend is living at a friends and ex says he has not had contact with the children. I called CAS myself and got more information. The ex is stressed and my kids are feeling it. She wants the kids to stay with her more because she says they need normalcy. But she is hardly acting normal. she kept the kids home from school for a while even. The ex would only say "family emergency". I knew they we very stressed out but I could never find out why. I thought the kids didn't know and suspected there was a serious illness the the boyfriend's family, I was wrong.

    I don't know what should I be doing?

  • #2
    Sorry to hear of this situation. You must be out of your mind with worry.

    Two things bother me about this: a) your ex did not inform you immediately and b) your ex had the children keep the information from you (instructing them to lie to you). This was a tremendous burden to place on children.

    I'd arrange to meet up with the CAS people asap and get a full brief on the situation. Find out details of the conditions imposed on your ex. Go to the children's school and see how the kids are doing. Then I would meet up with your ex and have a discussion and decide best interest of children.... Perhaps you can simply offer to have the children stay with you and visit with mom on regular basis?

    Possession of child pornography is a serious charge and isn't likely going to go away anytime soon. You might want to consider, together with your ex, a change (temporary or permanent) to your children's residence. You should have a frank discussion with your ex about what her plans are for the immediate future. Is she planning to stay with this person? How is she going to keep the children safe? She has had a month to figure things out. Her not telling you immediately of the situation was reckless and selfish on her part. Her not informing you put her own needs before those of the children IMO. What assurances can she give you?

    How old are your children? How long have you been separated/divorced? Is separation/divorce final? Is the school aware of the situation? If so, can you speak to the principal/counsellor to find out how children are doing in school?
    Do you live in close proximity to the children's school?

    I think it is important to find out information directly from all sources (CAS, police, school). Your ex may or may not have come to a decision to end the relationship with the perv. If she decides to end the relationship is it fair to put your children through more drama? She has to know that a future with the perv could be a future without her children.
    Last edited by arabian; 12-08-2015, 10:12 AM.

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    • #3
      find out the details from the police first then go from there. It sounds pretty cut and dried that he did do it but how many people (even on here) have been falsely accused of dv etc and later on it was proven false.

      Your exs life is in a tailspin right now. She may not have known what he was doing and feels overwhelmed right now. It would be like any of us if our partners were doing something bad and we didn't know. A person would be going through all sorts of emotions and sounds like she is in the denial stage right now.

      The thing I would be wanting to find out first, have your kids been involved in this at all?

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      • #4
        Thanks People,
        For your responses, much appreciated. So I should talk to the police and school. Get more details from CAS.

        My ex refuses to give the kids anymore time with me. I think she is being selfish too.

        I will give some more background.

        My kids are almost 11 now. We have joint custody. Final Divorce order is in place. Access is 40ish 60ish (a cause of great conflict) The first thing I offered was to have the kids stay with me while she got herself sorted. She will have none of that and say the opposite that the kids need more time with her and normalcy. I don't see the normalcy there.

        Even though she says he's innocent she is worried and acting otherwise. Kids are more stress by this. I know she will fight tooth and nail to not let the kids to see more of me. P.S. by all accounts including hers I'm a good and loving father so that's not the reason. Somewhat unrelated but to get her frame of mind: She did tell my oldest that if my child spend equal time with the parents she would lose her house. There is no chance of that she makes over 100K per year.

        I live twenty minutes from their new school so I could take them to school. I do now on their days with me. I'm very capable of taking care of the kids and have always had to assert myself in their lives (doctor, dentist appointments, school) despite her trying to thwart it. Basically IMHO she's a control freak with anxiety issues.

        The CAS worker the kids were not in any way involved. Thank God!

        The person is staying somewhere else it is unclear but I think she may not be physically see him.
        She told me she plan on staying on and that he is innocent.

        The kids have been told someone hacked his computer, other times the police arrested him even though there was no evidence. I'm not saying he is guilty but I suspect the police found something otherwise he wouldn't have been arrested.

        Thank you.
        Last edited by Concerned-Dad; 12-08-2015, 06:39 PM. Reason: proof reading typos (20min not 2min)

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        • #5
          Slow down folks. Most of your computers have child porn on them, you just don't know about it. If you ever saw your tracking history you would understand that you don't have much control over what sites your browser visits.

          If my girlfriend were charged with some kind of bs I'm sure not true I wouldn't tell my ex either.

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          • #6
            This is true but my understanding is that child porn was found on his computer. Time will tell.

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            • #7
              My understanding is that child porn was stored on the computer.

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              • #8
                That is horrible. You fear for your own children obviously. What did you find out?

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                • #9
                  Since then I made an appointment with a lawyer Mid January. Next week now.
                  Then he got conditions changed to supervised access Christmas eve. Then CAS said OK but no overnights. When Court opened after christmas. Skeleton staff only. The Per Diam lawyer told me this is not an emergency motion (maybe urgent) and sent me home with all this paperwork for motion to change and change custody.

                  I called and emailed (twice each!) the lawyer I have the appointment with to speed up the process with these new things happening. I got no response till friday to confirm my original appointment. I asked the secretary about the new stuff going on. the lawyer reviewed the new info but says since the court does not think it is urgent; no need to speed things up. I'm thinking the junior free legal aid lawyer opinion is not equal to the court/judge saying something.

                  I really do think if I was a Mom, I would be treated very differently. I'm Very upset

                  Comment

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