Originally posted by HammerDad
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Yep!! Almost exactly my husbands situation!!
I had a really hard time understanding my husband’s behaviour at first. He would sleep walk after talking to her and then say some really horrible shit (“you’re right, I deserve to sleep on the floor”) which really upset me. Or if I wanted to pay for something or put him on my benefits he would go into this protective shell. The ex also taught the kids to abuse him and his constant battles with them were even worse as he wanted so much to have them love him. When I broached therapy he was against it since they spent ten years in marriage counseling. When I finally said to him “you were abused, you need help overcoming that” he understood. It took about four years for me to get through to him that I loved him unconditionally. Since we got married he has relaxed even more. I just about fainted when he said he needed to register my name on the house deed! He constantly tells me that if he had known marriage would be as good as we are he would have left a long time ago. I understand his reasons for staying. Its hard to weed out the crap.
As for his ex and kids...despite thousands in therapy she claims they needed they are no further ahead emotionally. They all still hang onto this anger and resentment. The express desire to punish him makes me cringe. I want to say to them there is a reason your mother is still single.
I firmly believe that you have to set reasonable expectations for what you want. Meaning, if you want love and respect, you have to give it. If you want a crazy ideal of perfection, stay single as it doesn’t exist. Don’t let someone put you down or treat you badly. And definitely don’t “stay for the kids”. All that does is fuck them up in the long term!!
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