can he get 50 50 custody

[hadenough]

Newsflash: you can't delete your thread.

1) I am female (with an ex who is a card-carrying idiot and an absentee "parent").
2) You are not being beaten up by anyone on here. I think you are quite likely looking at litigation. We can all relate that you are going through an emotional time but you are also not seeing the big picture.
3) What you think might be harsh advice now, you may come to realize is the best advice you received.

[Abeona]

I'm also female and think you're not acting in the best interest of your daughter. Quite a few of us here (male and female) have had to deal with legitimate abuse of ourselves and/or our children, and real concerns for our kids wellbeing and safety. Coming here to ask for advice on how to keep your daughter from her dad because you think he may not be as loving as you are just isn't going to cut it with this group.

Your ex being selfish or inconsiderate is not reason enough to keep your daughter from having ample time with her father. Children have the right to know their parents, good and bad qualities.

It sucks to get beaten down by this group..they've disagreed with me before too! But if you can stick around they are worth putting up with the replies you don't like :-)

[FB_]

So just a suggestion. Why don't you send him an email asking him to take your daughter from Friday night to Sunday night and see what he says.

You are right you can't make him be a good dad. If as you say he is not prepared to be a father he will probably respond as expected. On the other hand he might surprise you in which case your daughter will get to spend the weekend with him.

[scaredmama]

I have done that. I have asked him to take her and to watch her and pick her up and he always says he is busy. Why should I have to keep trying to make him a father.

[Tayken]

I have done that. I have asked him to take her and to watch her and pick her up and he always says he is busy. Why should I have to keep trying to make him a father.

Often, parents come stating that their children do not want to see the other parent. That the other parent is not involved. The very Honourable Justice Mossip in Reeves v. Reeves states in paragraph 38:

Based on a significant number of studies and case law in this area, any support or encouragement by one parent that the children not have a relationship with the other parent simply demonstrated the irresponsibility of the parent who has the children and demonstrates that parent's inability to act in the best interests of their children. Children do not always want to go to school or want to go to the dentist's or doctor's. It is the responsibility of good parents to manage their children's health and safety issues without necessarily the consent or joy of their children. A healthy relationship with both parents is a health and safety issue that good parents ensure takes place.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[FightingForFamily]

In other words, you might need to bring his daughter to him, at his new residence.

If he has been with his girlfriend for 6+ months there's not really any reason to prevent them meeting. She's apparently not "the tramp of the week" but someone who is stable in their lives.

[DowntroddenDad]

You really don't get it.

You chose to get stressed over this. You chose to let that stress impact your daughter.

You could think about your daughter and try and give her the chance to have equal time with both parents. If he proves unable to do it, then you can have a negotiation about a different schedule. But children need the presence of both parents in their lives, and our job as parents is to try our best to provide that. You seem to be fighting hard to find reasons not to give him access. But I haven't seen any that would stand up in court.

[FB_]

I have done that. I have asked him to take her and to watch her and pick her up and he always says he is busy. Why should I have to keep trying to make him a father.

Because it's in the best interest of your daughter.

Do you have this in an email or from a conversation. You need to get it in writing so then when he does decide to be a dad you have proof you did EVERYTHING in your power to foster that relationship and it was him that was the barrier.

If it's email respond by saying that you feel it's in your daughter best interest to spend time with her and ask him for alternatives as to when he is available.

It does sound like this is what you are trying to do to me. It also sounds like he wants to be a dad when it's convenient to him which is not the way it should work. However he is not here to defend himself so we have to "believe" what you are telling us. Only you know the real truth.

Get it in writing.

[Canadaguy]

Try putting yourself in your ex’s shoes…always good to look at your situation from a different perspective. Being open to ideas and listening is truly what negotiating is all about.

Every second weekend is very common where I live and I am open to that idea.

50/50 is very common where I live. However, most people believe there opinion and only listen to the facts that suit their need. This type of thinking is controlling and confrontational. I suggest taking a step back for a moment.

The thought of my daughter living with him for a week at a time when he doesn't and hasn't paid her any attention, doesn't tell her he loves her, isn't involved in her life or her upbringing, is very emotional.

He may say he wants it, but so far he has not proven it. Can he just say "well ill start doing that"? Doesn't there have to be proof?

If he wants to be a parent, let him. Don’t tell him he has to prove it. Instead, work with him to accomplish that. Get used to being apart from “your” child. Whether we like it or not, being separated parts this is a fact that cannot be controlled.

He is not a bad person, I loved him for a reason. He just has no bond with our child and no proven effort to establish one.

Then when he is ready, facilitate building that bond, don’t deny it and close the door stating reasons like status quo and past history. The future is unwritten and don’t let the history of the past prevent the child from gaining a relationship with her father. You can’t force him to be a parent, he must make that choice on his own.

I have been working with 2 child therapists to ensure my daughters best interests are first and foremost and they believe it is best that I have full custody as well. I also spoke with a legal aid attorney and the key is the primary caregiver which is and always has been me. A friend recommeneded me to this site because they said there was a lot of useful information. What if he leaves everything status quo until my daughter finishes school in june? That is when we are supposed to move out of our family home. Then it would 7 months that I would already have full custody. It was his choice to leave without setting up any type of arrangement.

The therapist and legal aid only knows your side of the story. I’m sure that if her father talked to them and said he wants to be a parent to the child their assessment would change.
It is not about “getting custody”. It is about raising the child together from separate homes to the best of your ability, being flexible and able to adapt to the child’s needs as they change over time.

I am open to other arrangements and he has always been able to spend time and take her whenever and whereever. Again as I've said multiple times its his choice not to. I don't want this to get mean or nasty as that is not good for our daughter. He simply has a new life without her now. I'm sure he still wants to be involved somehow but I feel the 50 50 is a threat I'm just not sure why.

Then let her father chose. I’m not clear why when a parent says “I would like to be an equal parent to “our” child (aka 50/50)” that it is a threat.

He would not be a "visitor" in her life. He is now but that is by his choice, not mine. I would like to establish some type of schedule and have tried many times. I am just not open or comfortable with 50 50 custody.

Can’t force someone to be a parent. But if he makes the choice to step up to the plate, why deny the child that? Why should he have to fight you to be a parent?

I am basing my opinion and choice of custody not only on my bond with our daughter and her well being but on what is defined as her best interest. where I live I am told it is based on:

- current status quo - again it was his choice to move out, to move to a place where we agreed our daughter would not go and to not make any arrangements when he left.
- who consistently performed key parenting activities - gets her up, clothes, teeth, travel to school, bedtime, stories, prayers, etc - this has always been me.
- Our daughters track record in school and extracurricular activities while living with me (she is doing great in all) - I am actively involved in her school and her activities
- Standard of Living - I do not know what his standard of living in, im sure it is not terrible or anything but we have been living in the same home/neighborhood for 5 years now.
- School System in the area
- Relations with extended family. - I have an excellent relationship with my family, and have brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.

Don’t think about “wanting” or “getting” custody, start thinking about what you can do to help facilitate a relationship with the child’s father. Continue to do the status quo, school, extended family, etc but when the father is ready, leave the door open to work together, don’t close it because you feel uncomfortable today, that only will hurt the child.

Actions speak louder than words and he should have stepped up to the plate at least 5 months ago when we split, let alone 5 years ago. History can't be ignored.

Then let your actions speak louder than his. Be the best parent you can be with what you have and help facilitate a relationship when he is ready, don’t deny him based on what you feel comfortable with. Ignore history for you don’t want it to shape your child’s future.

[hadenough]

If he's not going to "step up" - as you anticipate that he will not - the best way to establish that is by having the access readily available to establish over time that he is (or is not) "stepping up."

Kids grow up fast. If in fact he chooses to be an active parent in the child's life remains to be seen. In time, and over time - in my case it was clearly established that dad did not make our son a priority. Year after year, the contact got less and less. Then (when the CS order was made/enforced), Poof! He pretty much vanished (but for sending cs pymts to FRO). Point is, he hung himself with his own rope and for that to have happened (or not) he had time to demonstrate just what kind of parent he is. Set out a fair and reasonable proposal. Time will soon tell all.

Ironically, while we were a "family unit" - Dad was all over the child and definitely the 'favored parent' - I was often left feeling reduced to an invisible woman. (Definite PA going on but I was too blind to see it at the time).

[arabian]

Unfortunately custody disagreements usually come down to money. Few people will admit it. Instead we have lots of parents emerging as super caring parents who want to raise the kids they never spent time with before. Is it sincere or simply a way to reduce or increase child support?

Your perception that your ex didn't want to spend much time with the child in the past is not unusual. As a female you likely view your maternal role as more time-consuming for the past 5 yrs. Now that your child is no longer a toddler and will soon be going to school, traditional parenting roles evolve and Dad can and should take a more active parenting role.

Your ex IS the father. I'd be encouraging him to have the child whenever possible. Flexibility is a good thing. You never know in the future when you might need him to step up to the plate.

I suspect you will have to go through a weaning stage. I understand how difficult it must be for you as you likely feel that you are "giving up" you child. Your ex might pleasantly surprise you in the future and prove to be a great parent.

Yes your ex sounds like a louse. However, you have to find a way to separate what happened to you as a couple from the role of parenting. Not an easy task.

[scaredmama]

Its not a question of child support for me, I honestly would sign away child support if that is what his issue is. I can easily afford to raise our daughter without money from him.

Should I try to sit down and talk to him about all of this or just go to a lawyer? I do have everything recorded, even the times I have asked him to do things and he has said no or "ill let you know" and then never showed up or responded.

[arabian]

If you can meet with him calmly and without anyone else present. Keep in mind that your ex now puts his shoes under someone else's bed and his loyalty to you is now non-existent. Meet without the child present. Bring two pens and two pieces of paper and encourage him to take notes. If you are successful in agreeing to meet and hash out some basics then you are already ahead of the game in terms of legal fees.

However, with that said, do not meet with him alone if he is confrontational, or if the two of you can't stay on track to discuss only what is in the child's best interest.

Always keep in mind that lawyers love it when clients don't get along - they make way more money off of you.

At the end of the meeting offer to transcribe, point form, a summary of what you discussed and agreed upon. Then you would give him a copy and ask him to acknowledge your notes, pointing out anything that he disagrees with.

If you can get through this very basic way of communicating with each other you will be leaps and bounds ahead of many other people who can't agree what day of the week it is.

All depends upon the nature of your relationship. Openly hostile or constructively conciliatory.

[scaredmama]

Should I speak with a lawyer first before asking him if he wants to sit down and talk? I've tried in the past, in person, email and telephone to get him to tell me what his plans were for our daughter and its been different every time. But the 50 50 scares me.

[arabian]

I don't know what you are "scared" about. 50/50 is a reality. He is the other parent. Just 6 months ago the two of you were living together. From reading your posts I gather that had there not been another woman in the picture you would still be living with him. So it's safe to assume that this person you were just living with 6 months ago was a good Dad in your opinion. To say otherwise would be silly.

You have to examine your own motives. You say that you don't need him financially and can raise the child on your own if need be. You need to realize that you have no choice in the matter. What specifically do you want to discuss with him when you meet? I'd start making a list. The minute you go off topic the productiveness of the meeting will likely end.

He probably doesn't know himself what his plans are concerning his daughter. He is in a new relationship now and that could be creating some difficulty for him.

Yes I'd try to get together to meet with him. Keep trying.