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  • How to get high conflict parent to use OFW

    I'm just curious how you might go about convincing a high conflict individual to use Our Family Wizard.

    It seems like a great tool.

  • #2
    The odds of getting someone who is high conflict to do anything you suggest are very poor, that is the nature of high conflict.

    If you want to get anywhere you have to express everything in terms of how it suits their best interest. A course in creative writing can help immeasurably.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by lulubuttons View Post
      I'm just curious how you might go about convincing a high conflict individual to use Our Family Wizard.

      It seems like a great tool.
      Here are some articles regarding your question that hopefully addresses the "how to":

      Our Family Wizard: An Excellent Tool for Co-Parenting with a High-Conflict Person, Part 1 l Dr Tara J. Palmatier | Shrink4Men

      OurFamily Wizard, Part 2: Common Excuses Made by High-Conflict Parents Not to Use OFW and Effective Counter-Arguments l Dr Tara J. Palmatier | Shrink4Men

      Good Luck!
      Tayken

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      • #4
        Thank you!!!!

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        • #5
          I am in the same situation

          I just got "ordered" by my ex to start using a log book she is sending along with our child. I responded to her by text message (as is currently ordered by courts for text or email only) that I had no problems detailing what our child ate and/or did for activity but that I would prefer ourfamilywizard.com as it would keep things child centred and she has again ordered me to use the log book and that she refuses to use OFW. I'm not sure if I should bring it forward in a motion or something as of yet because she is constantly trying to harass me in text messages that I generally always ignore unless it is direct communications about our child. I have read the articles on shrink4men that have been posted and my ex is most certainly an HCP.

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          • #6
            I don't like the idea of a communication book, especially if the kids are older - why do the kids have to be a messenger? I don't find they help with communication, and they have a tendency to dissapear suddenly. And why would she insist on a communication book, if your current order specifies differently?

            My ex "demanded" a communication book, once upon a time, trying to insist it would stop the "harassment" and hostile communication, which apparently I was the root cause of. I never understood that, as it was the ex's communication that was always hostile...even in the "book". I went along with it for a bit...then suddenly, the book dissapeared, as she was going to "keep" it for evidence??? Evidence for what, I don't know. Evidence for my use? lol. The "communication" was at the lowest point, using that book - I suspect someone told her to get rid of it. I made sure to photo-copy the book each time, so I would have a record, as I figured it would dissappear one day.

            If I were you, I would just stick to email, as your order states, and not even bother with text message, unless it's more "urgent".

            Our Family Wizard seems to be a great tool, if you can afford it, that also allows for info sharing, and a shared calendar, so it's hard to argue against that being a "negative" towards co-parenting. Has she said why she doesn't want to use it?

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            • #7
              Google has a Calendar also. I tried the communication book briefly. It was by and large, unsuccessful. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by lulubuttons View Post
                I'm just curious how you might go about convincing a high conflict individual to use Our Family Wizard.

                It seems like a great tool.

                Maybe pay for their fee's?

                If its free for them, maybe they'll use it.

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                • #9
                  Hotmail also has a calendar that can work.
                  If your ex wants to use a communication book, why not give it a try. If they make it not child centered there is not much you can do. You can though make sure that you keep your replies child centered and photocopy the new entries every time you get it. That way you can prove that you are the one keeping things child centered and she is being hostile. That way if the book goes missing you have copies of everything.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
                    Hotmail also has a calendar that can work.
                    If your ex wants to use a communication book, why not give it a try. If they make it not child centered there is not much you can do. You can though make sure that you keep your replies child centered and photocopy the new entries every time you get it. That way you can prove that you are the one keeping things child centered and she is being hostile. That way if the book goes missing you have copies of everything.
                    Hello fireweb,

                    I am actually entering the information into the log book right now but there are a few things. First of all again it may seem petty but if I have to read and then detail my own information it takes time while I have my daughter. It may only be 3-5 minutes but it's more time that I have to take out of my already pathetic access. I get 6-9 hours per week with my daughter (3 hours at a time) if I have to spend 15 minutes per week I lose an hour a month. I already only get about 2.5 hours of quality time with her now as I have to pick her up, take her to where I'm excercising my access and then get unpacked and repacked all within that time, to add another 5 minutes of prep time (petty or not) further cuts into that. Also, my ex will send me text messages at all hours of the morning (her preference seems to be from 130am to 430am (usually when she is not medicated) if we used OFW it would take all of that away and further I would also be able to see exactly what/when/where my daughter had appointments rather than have to sift through her BS messages to get to the root of the msg.

                    I have read a lot of information on this site, from Tayken, WorkingDad and many others as well as shrink4men.com and AVFM and I haven't heard a bad thing said about OFW other than it's bad for the HCP.

                    Also, to all other posters I greatly appreciate the feedback both constructive and positive and do find this site to be a very big help in dealing with the struggles I am dealing with.

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                    • #11
                      In no way and I suggesting that OFW is not a much better choice, but you have to work with that you have. While your access right now is terrible if you keep on a solid path you are doing well. There is in my opinion no reason to even write back in the journal if you only have 3 hours. Just photocopy her entry. I know its terrible but keep working and show that you are willing to try her way but that she is not willing to follow her own suggestions. Things will get better, but you have to keep your chin up. Wish I could send a pint over to you, but keep working and you will get to a better place.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
                        In no way and I suggesting that OFW is not a much better choice, but you have to work with that you have. While your access right now is terrible if you keep on a solid path you are doing well. There is in my opinion no reason to even write back in the journal if you only have 3 hours. Just photocopy her entry. I know its terrible but keep working and show that you are willing to try her way but that she is not willing to follow her own suggestions. Things will get better, but you have to keep your chin up. Wish I could send a pint over to you, but keep working and you will get to a better place.
                        Thanks fireweb,

                        I don't drink but if you wanted to send a 'pint' of chocolate milk or hot tea I would certainly take that. Although I have said that my ex is going to drive me to drink I have always resisted that.

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                        • #13
                          I used to write details of what I was doing with my daughter, in the "communication book", or emails, to keep "mom" abreast of the fun things our daughter was doing, or things I thought she would find amusing, that our daughter was doing, but she wasn't around to see. But that was before, I fully figured out, she is a sociopath. (grimace).

                          I found, writing these type of things in the book, actually invited more conflict from her. I would write the bare minimum instead, letting her know only things that she needed to know, for when my daughter was going back to her. ex. "I think she might be coming down with something...giving you a heads up, since she's with you the next couple of days". "Dr/dentist had this to say, from appointment." etc. I would do the same, if I were you, given your situation.

                          When using the communication book (or even Our Family Wizard, or whatever else you use), you are not bound to keep her informed of what you are doing, or every little detail of what you and your child are doing, during your time. Your ex sounds like she is just trying to control you and the situation.

                          Text messages are a bad idea. If your ex is texting you at 1am and through the night, that is not "communication for parenting"...it's harassment..and you don't need to respond, or even deal with it. lol. I would shut your phone off during the night, or have her blocked on your cell phone, for texting, and advise her you only have email available for her, since these are not emergencies.

                          I used to deal with this too. It was ridiculous.

                          Definitely copy any "communication book" pages, as they will dissapear at some point. If you don't want to look or feel, like you're ignoring what she writes in the book, but there is no response necessary to her writing (ranting), then simply write a response saying something like:

                          "Thanks for writing your notes/concerns." sign it/date it.

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