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  • #31
    Originally posted by FB_ View Post
    I agree that's all I've found as well.

    Seems to be a valid reason to reduce CS.
    Agreed - I would like to see some as well.

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by Links17 View Post
      I think you are playing this wrong FB.

      You sound bitter (I know your story so I understand) however you now have everything you want.

      Speak to her, record the conversation if you need to.

      In quebec you can lose shared custody of the kids for not having good minimal communications.

      Knowledge is power, let her talk to you and spill her beans - don't respond just say I see.
      I disagree with this. This is not the way to go.

      The poster is not refusing to communicate, he has asked that the communication happen in email, he is not going to lose custody because of this. His ex. on the other hand comes across as controlling.

      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      I agree I've worked way to hard and I have been way to happy to go backwards here.

      Her not wanting to use email is not my issue... She's trying to make a big deal out of something that I will most likely not care about. I won't be able to avoid her for long. She will corner me at the kids hockey tomorrow.

      The only thing I need from her now is the signed travel consent forms for our Cruise in 3 weeks. She has 4 more days according to our agreement.
      This is what emotional manipulators do. Try to make it your issue. After all its not a big deal, just call me!! For a normal person, yes, not a big deal because it doesn't escalate. For an emotional manipulator, it starts the cycle all over again.

      FB she will probably corner you tomorrow, you don't have to engage, a good response might be "I see" and then walk away. Leave the drama to her.

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by frustratedwithex View Post
        I disagree with this. This is not the way to go.

        The poster is not refusing to communicate, he has asked that the communication happen in email, he is not going to lose custody because of this. His ex. on the other hand comes across as controlling.



        This is what emotional manipulators do. Try to make it your issue. After all its not a big deal, just call me!! For a normal person, yes, not a big deal because it doesn't escalate. For an emotional manipulator, it starts the cycle all over again.

        FB she will probably corner you tomorrow, you don't have to engage, a good response might be "I see" and then walk away. Leave the drama to her.
        My mom will also be at hockey tomorrow so we shall see what happens.

        Comment


        • #34
          In Quebec I think I've read judgements where the obligation is reduced a bit for one year but thats it which is not bad.

          I respectfully disagree with everybody, somethings are not effectively communicable over email (too much back and forth for example).

          in this case if the person has a history then that has to be taken into consideration but I think as a general "lifestyle" decision to communicate ONLY by email in shared custody situations you are setting yourself up for perhaps looking like you can't effectively communicate.

          but yeah, if she is not able to communicate well with you email is the way to go.

          Comment


          • #35
            We've had shared custody for over 5 years. Son was 4 when we split, daughter was 11. They are now 9 and 16, so I think we have covered most age groups together.

            I cut off my ex from phone contact early on and it has been email only. She is allowed to call the land line and speak to the kids, but not my cell phone. No texting either.

            There has yet to be an issue that needed to be settled that couldn't be done by email. Nothing needs excessive back and forth. Generally we communicate 3-4 times a year to confirm how we are going to handle holidays, and occasionally when the youngest is too sick for school.

            Pickups and dropoffs are done through school/camp. The 16 year old can handle herself, of course.

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by Mess View Post
              We've had shared custody for over 5 years. Son was 4 when we split, daughter was 11. They are now 9 and 16, so I think we have covered most age groups together.

              I cut off my ex from phone contact early on and it has been email only. She is allowed to call the land line and speak to the kids, but not my cell phone. No texting either.

              There has yet to be an issue that needed to be settled that couldn't be done by email. Nothing needs excessive back and forth. Generally we communicate 3-4 times a year to confirm how we are going to handle holidays, and occasionally when the youngest is too sick for school.

              Pickups and dropoffs are done through school/camp. The 16 year old can handle herself, of course.
              I used to think that I wanted to be able to remain as 'friends' with the ex.

              That we would be able to have dinner together (With the boy 'together'), and be ok and friendly and stuff.

              But I've come to realize I actually don't want this. I want what mess describes here.

              Our lives are separate now, and really - I have to admit I really do not like who my son's Mom turned out to be through all the break-up / court drama. As a result I am happy to not be in her presence. Ever.

              E-mail is a perfectly acceptable means of communication, and really - with smart phones these days, it is as instant as a phone call or text message. if it needs to be, anyways.

              Comment


              • #37
                Ok, ex did not show up at hockey this weekend.

                Then last night I got a text from my neighbour. (Kids Babysitter, and ex's friend)

                She basically said she didn't want to get involved but I should really call her.

                I basically replied saying that I had already reached out via email. She refuses to respond so it must not be that important.

                Anyway she eventually told me what's going on.

                Not sure what order these occurred in

                Ex has been off her meds for months (not sure how long)
                She(neighbour) had taken her to the hospital for some unknown reason and her Psychologist put her on a 3 week mental leave from work
                Her and her new man have apparently split.
                She and the kids are apparently being kicked out of his house.

                That is all I know for now.

                So she is not stable, getting kicked out of her new place.

                Not sure how to proceed.

                I think calling her is even more a bad idea now. I now know why she won't put this in an email.

                I don't know where she is going or when but she is still currently there.

                She is picking the kids up tonight for her access time.

                I'm concerned for the kids they were very close to her new bf and his two girls.

                I have a feeling this is going to blow up huge. She will blame me for lots of things. She decided to walk last may with her Van and her pension and a bit of furniture. I know these are no my issues but the kids are obviously my first concern.

                Thanks

                Comment


                • #38
                  You're going to walk a fine line.

                  You were her spouse for years, and probably the primary "go to" person in any kind of crisis, great or small.

                  It's not appropriate for you to be the "go to" person anymore. I think you get that, and maybe even your ex gets it, but there is still a danger of falling into old patterns.

                  I think you are making the appropriate choice. She has been to a doctor, she is on meds, she is being cared for, she can go to a therapist.

                  Your role is to care for your children. You don't have to put up a wall, but you do have to have a boundary.

                  Similar situations have happened with my ex. My response was a warm but minimalist "I can take the kids for a few extra days if you need. Don't worry about any support or custody shit."

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post

                    Similar situations have happened with my ex. My response was a warm but minimalist "I can take the kids for a few extra days if you need. Don't worry about any support or custody shit."
                    what mess said. that's really the best thing you can do.

                    ugg I feel for you... and for the kids, what a horrible upheaval to go through again so soon after the split.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      I don't mean to sound callous or cruel, but the best thing you can do is.....nothing. Don't call. Reply to emails concerning the children.

                      Anything you do will be misconstrued. You will get blamed whether you get involved or not. Just leave it alone. If she wants to change her life, she has to do it, without anyone's help.

                      Be kind to the children, give them lots of love and support, but don't ask them about their mom.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Thanks,

                        I have kept the line of communication open. Just not the phone.

                        I told the neighbour that she can email me. She said she would tell her to email me.

                        She has not as of yet.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by FB_ View Post
                          Thanks,

                          I have kept the line of communication open. Just not the phone.

                          I told the neighbour that she can email me. She said she would tell her to email me.

                          She has not as of yet.
                          I would avoid the entanglement as much as possible. While I would not be averse to being kind to my ex, I know it also may come back to haunt me.

                          Ultimately only she can resolve her own issues. You can offer to take the kids longer if she needs time. You can give your condolenses. But you can't make her take her meds or make her seek counselling, she has to do that on her own.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                            I would avoid the entanglement as much as possible. While I would not be averse to being kind to my ex, I know it also may come back to haunt me.

                            Ultimately only she can resolve her own issues. You can offer to take the kids longer if she needs time. You can give your condolenses. But you can't make her take her meds or make her seek counselling, she has to do that on her own.
                            I agree but I do have to work both tonight and tomorrow until 11:00 pm so taking the kids while possible is not really an option. I would do it in a second for my kids.

                            I am NOT getting involved in her mental issues. I've shed enough tears and dealt with enough stress over that already. However I already feel the stress in my chest and again didn't sleep much at all last night.

                            I gave the kids an extra big hug this morning and told them I loved them as I sent them to school. Not that it's different from any other day but just making sure they are reassured.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Good Luck, be there for your kids.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Ex has been off her meds for months (not sure how long)
                                She(neighbour) had taken her to the hospital for some unknown reason and her Psychologist put her on a 3 week mental leave from work
                                Her and her new man have apparently split.
                                She and the kids are apparently being kicked out of his house
                                I hate to sound callous but my response to this would be..."so what?" Think about it, is this news really surprising?

                                I remember seeing the condition of your house and there's no way any rational man would put up with mess and drama and someone else's kids for very long. She's also been off her meds before. She acts like a little kid and can't take care of herself. She basically ran out of your house into some new guy's house and put your children's emotionally stability in jeopardy by doing so.

                                I can guarantee you that now she'll be looking for someone else to bail her out of her crap. She needs constant rescuing and wants to use you by making you feel sorry for her and drag you back into her nonsense.

                                Your role here is to care for your children. The only thing I would do is get ready to take the kids more time than you have them now....potentially full-time. I wouldn't contact her at all. I'd just wait it out. When she does contact you by email with her sob story. Simply tell her that if she can't uphold her end of your parenting agreement then you both can have it amended so that you can take the children more. I wouldn't discuss her personal life with her...that's her problem. You didn't create the problem....you didn't tell her to move to Orangeville...you certainly didn't tell her to drag your kids over there. She's responsible for her own life. Don't forget her actions..ie, bringing her bf over to your house while you were still living there, trashing your house when she moved out, harrassing you during your in-home separation. Do you want to deal with that all over again?

                                You're divorced. Her life is her problem now. You need to worry about how to manage the kids because it sounds like there's a strong possibility that she won't be able to manage the current access schedule. Frankly, her stability is questionable anyway...I'm not sure the kids should even be with her while she's on and off her meds.

                                Comment

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