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How to Approach Inappropriate Communication Between Ex and Child

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  • #76
    Originally posted by arabian View Post
    If the mother is so bloody concerned then why is she not taking the child to a psychologist?
    Because she will say that this isn't a problem with the child. It is a problem with LF. She will claim HE is the one who needs supervision and therapy.

    If LF was indeed the problem, she will say an eval on the child won't help. Restriction of access and supervision until he "gets help" will be her solution.

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    • #77
      Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
      Because she will say that this isn't a problem with the child. It is a problem with LF. She will claim HE is the one who needs supervision and therapy.

      If LF was indeed the problem, she will say an eval on the child won't help. Restriction of access and supervision until he "gets help" will be her solution.
      Perfect - then the noose will most definitely tighten around her neck IMO.

      I like Rioe's suggestion of suggesting the week-about exchange to alleviate stress of things for the daughter.

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      • #78
        Originally posted by Rioe View Post
        How about answering in the communication book that you suggest waiting a few months, to see if the behaviours are alleviated when your daughter gets more accustomed to the current access schedule. Every time she goes back to her mother's, she may just be anxious that she might not see you again for months! If not, your suggestion would be that one of you arrange an appointment with a counsellor.

        A genuine problem with transitions back to mom's house only would mean a few things to me: first, that your daughter prefers time with you, and is upset by going back to mom's, and second, that the fewer transitions, the better. You might want to suggest week about for your 50-50 access instead of 2-2-5 if transitions continue to be an issue. The solution is NOT less access overall, which I imagine is what your ex's angle is.
        perfect. To me that covers all the bases. Address the concerns without saying that LF32 thinks there is an issue. If it was me your answer is what I would do.

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        • #79
          I work with a little boy who is struggling very much with transitions in his divorcing family. He is anxious and upset when dropped off for Kindergarten by Dad. He loves his Dad and knows that being dropped off at school means he won't see Dad for a week. He starts his day off with aggressive behaviours and takes hours to settle. He is a smart, lovely 4 year old who is in a difficult situation.

          EDITED TO ADD: We do not have Mom drop off this little boy as he takes the bus when on her time. His behaviours continue on "Mom's time". I was just using an example.
          I do not agree that the behaviours would occur just at Mom's house. Children come to school carrying the load of their family's distresses every single day. I see it manifested in various behaviours in my class alone but it is pervasive school wide. Even something as simple as a parent hurrying because they are late can throw off a child's morning.

          School is a positive place without parent conflict but we certainly see the effects of the family environment on their little personalities. Small children's behaviours should be considered. They are not mature or sophisticated enough to hide their worries.

          I don't know what LF needs to do from a legal perspective but I do think having the child go through an eval would not be my choice as a parent.
          Last edited by SadAndTired; 01-03-2015, 03:40 PM.

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          • #80
            I also work one-on-one with a boy in kindergarten. He only stays until noon. His mom drops him in mornings some days, other his dad. Often without breakfast and without letting him know who will be picking him up at noon.

            I agree to a certain extent that if these behaviors were actually occurring that I would surely see them here as well. This will also be another point of my ex . That I am invisiblizing/minimizing everything. Just as she said I invisiblized our arguing, etc in court. (even though I fully admitted that we had mutual arguments every now and then)

            Rioe:
            I think this is what the SC had in mind. Wait a few more months to see if D3's behavior improves as she's been through some large changes. The issue is, even if there are zero issues, ex will say there are. I like the week about idea although ex will have a cow saying I work during the day (even though I have the support).

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            • #81
              Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
              I think this is what the SC had in mind. Wait a few more months to see if D3's behavior improves as she's been through some large changes. The issue is, even if there are zero issues, ex will say there are. I like the week about idea although ex will have a cow saying I work during the day (even though I have the support).
              Frankly, by the time this is settled, she'll be in school during the day herself. I doubt a judge is going to agree with your ex's scheme to keep the child out of school until grade 1. You're going for a long-term arrangement, which includes school.

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              • #82
                Maybe I'm missing something here, but this sounds pretty straightforward:

                Mom says Kid is displaying worrisome behaviors after she comes back from Dad's. However, there is no evidence of these behaviors other than some writings from Mom. Dad is an observant and well-informed individual and he hasn't noted anything.

                It seems to me it would be jumping the gun to submit Kid to psychological testing and counselling on the basis of ... not much. I think the greater risk here is of conveying to Kid that there is great drama and emotion connected with her transfers between Dad and Mom, or that there's something wrong with her such that she needs special "doctors" or "friends". Keeping things calm and matter-of-fact is more important than trying to outmaneuver Mom at this point. (If Dad had his own independent concerns, that would be a different matter).

                (I think it would also be difficult to explain to a psychologist that you have no concerns with the behavior of your preschooler but she's at the centre of a hostile custody battle so you want to cover your bases and get her checked out so her Mom can't complain. That would come across as a big waste of a psychologist's valuable time).

                If I were the OP, I'd acknowledge Mom's communication but leave the ball in her court. Something along the lines of "Thank you for sharing your concerns about Kid. I have not observed these behaviors at my home. If you believe these problems are outside the range of normal adjustment reactions and you would like to seek outside help, I would support consultation with a psychologist. Please keep me posted as to your thoughts about this".

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                • #83
                  Yea I hear what you're saying Stripes. D3's confused enough as it is. But it's not all about outmanoeuvering my ex. It's about love and concern for D3. Do I have concerns? No. But ex does. Should I respect my ex enough to take her concerns seriously is the real question I suppose. The millisecond I saw disturbing, abnormal behavior I wouldn't even need to start a thread for opinions. I'd take action.
                  The last thing I want to do is subject D3 to another odd environment with a stranger asking sensitive questions.

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                  • #84
                    Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                    Yea I hear what you're saying Stripes. D3's confused enough as it is. But it's not all about outmanoeuvering my ex. It's about love and concern for D3. Do I have concerns? No. But ex does. Should I respect my ex enough to take her concerns seriously is the real question I suppose. The millisecond I saw disturbing, abnormal behavior I wouldn't even need to start a thread for opinions. I'd take action.
                    The last thing I want to do is subject D3 to another odd environment with a stranger asking sensitive questions.
                    Well, it sounds like you've answered your own question. You don't have concerns about Kid, and you don't want to subject her to unnecessary procedures. It's really not about "respecting your ex". If Mom has concerns, she's free to seek professional guidance and you won't interfere.

                    (It's also not entirely clear what a "psychological evaluation" of a 3-year-old would involve. Because kids that age have limited language skills, unless there's some massive behavioral disturbance, psychologists would really only be able to say that she's on track [or not] with her developmental milestones -they can't peer into her mind or use talk therapy. It's not some sort of magic test to determine whether your child has been traumatized by the divorce. And looking at what your ex is saying, even if all of these things were true, they don't add up to a massive behavioral disturbance, they add up to a kid who may be struggling a bit to adjust to big changes, which is normal).

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                    • #85
                      When D3 arrived she had a new winter coat and hat. I'm cool with that. But she was asking for the ones I bought her. Mom left them at her house. I asked in the comm. book if ex could return them as D3 was looking for them. Ex went on a rant in the comm. book about how she lets D3 wear what she wants and that she would return them .. telling me they can "stay" at my house because that's what I want. I replied that I want D3 to wear whichever coat/toque that she desires and asked if she was on the same page. Was that an appropriate response?

                      Also, relating more to this thread. D3 pointed to her plaid ear rings hanging and said "mommy told me to tell you that I need to bring those home". I wrote in the comm. book that "I suggest that we communicate these things with each other wither at pick up's or through the communication book so that we are not placing the burden on D3 to relay the information. Is this the right move?

                      Man this divorce stuff is draining.

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                      • #86
                        This is beyond silly in my opinion. If kid wants the hat/coat you bought - let the kid ask mom.

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                        • #87
                          LF32 you have many years of this nonsense to look forwards to .... the best thing is to chose your battles with ex and not sweat the small stuff. As your D3 gets older she'll become more vocal about what she wants/doesn't want and will certainly let mom and you know about it.

                          Keep your communications with Ex to a minimum until you both have a gotten used to the new routine. I know you want your kidlet to be happy - best way to do that is to let her see that you are OK. Fake it until you make it.

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                          • #88
                            I'm guessing that she did ask mom. I bought them though. Think it's a spite thing.

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                            • #89
                              Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                              LF32 you have many years of this nonsense to look forwards to .... the best thing is to chose your battles with ex and not sweat the small stuff. As your D3 gets older she'll become more vocal about what she wants/doesn't want and will certainly let mom and you know about it.

                              Keep your communications with Ex to a minimum until you both have a gotten used to the new routine. I know you want your kidlet to be happy - best way to do that is to let her see that you are OK. Fake it until you make it.
                              Very good advice. Thanks

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                              • #90
                                Originally posted by stripes View Post
                                Maybe I'm missing something here, but this sounds pretty straightforward:

                                Mom says Kid is displaying worrisome behaviors after she comes back from Dad's. However, there is no evidence of these behaviors other than some writings from Mom. Dad is an observant and well-informed individual and he hasn't noted anything.
                                I've seen these tonnes of times in parents fighting against shared custody "When he comess back from dadn's house he is violent etc..."

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