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  • Feeling alienated...

    This is my first post. I pick up my three kids from my ex-spouses tomorrow afternoon. They've been away on a two week holiday. I haven't spoken to them since I dropped them off two weeks ago. I've told the kids (between 15 and 9) to call me occasionally when they are with my ex to let me know how they're doing. Calling them myself through my ex is fraught for me so I've stopped trying to contact them this way. My ex-spouse takes the view that it is not her responsibility to ensure that the kids stay in touch with me. So, in the end, I don't hear from them. While this situation is tough for me, I'm mostly concerned about the effect this could have on the children in the long term. I'm not quite sure what to do in the circumstances. Any thoughts? Thanks

  • #2
    Personally I wouldn't stress about a holiday, they missed you and they will be happy to see you and tell you about what happened and you will be interested in hearing about it.

    It should be evey parent's job to encourage the kids to have a relationship and contact with the other parent. Married or divorced. But you can't legislate common sense.

    Kids are resilient. Your job is to love them, you love them overtly and honestly and openly and then you take what life gives you.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Mess View Post
      Personally I wouldn't stress about a holiday, they missed you and they will be happy to see you and tell you about what happened and you will be interested in hearing about it.
      At the ages you have mentioned Mess is correct. I wouldn't worry about alienation over this short period of time. It sounds like from your post that the ex-spouse (other parent) is a bit difficult at times.

      Originally posted by Mess View Post
      It should be every parent's job to encourage the kids to have a relationship and contact with the other parent. Married or divorced. But you can't legislate common sense.
      But, you can have it ordered should the problem persist and become a problem. Most judges and custody and access evaluators put in common requirements for just what Mess described. It would be nice if it was legislated though or a part of the CLRA.

      Originally posted by Mess View Post
      Kids are resilient. Your job is to love them, you love them overtly and honestly and openly and then you take what life gives you.
      But, you don't have to take another parent who consistently denies your children access to you. Should the matter of your children's phone access become an issue it can be dealt with.

      Good Luck!
      Tayken

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      • #4
        Thank you. Very helpful.

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        • #5
          I was getting the kids to phone my ex-spouse every single night for good night wishes (they are 7, 7, 10) while I was never getting phone calls and had to phone multiple numbers every night (house, cottage, cell phones) before I could get a hold of them to say "Good Night". I got so frustrated that I stopped making sure they called every night - he got the message, now I get a "Good Night and I love you" call from them at the same time every night when they are with him.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by inseperationhell View Post
            I was getting the kids to phone my ex-spouse every single night for good night wishes (they are 7, 7, 10) while I was never getting phone calls and had to phone multiple numbers every night (house, cottage, cell phones) before I could get a hold of them to say "Good Night". I got so frustrated that I stopped making sure they called every night - he got the message, now I get a "Good Night and I love you" call from them at the same time every night when they are with him.
            The "monkey see monkey do" methodology does work even for good ideas. Great way to do it without conflict too.

            Great to hear!
            Tayken

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            • #7
              Flawed...I just went through this last week. It was the first time my ex had them away for 7 days and I was going stir crazy...I'm sure I only got about 2 hours sleep each night at the most. I had asked him to let the kids call every couple of days and he agreed. (Did not happen). I called them mid-week so I could talk to them because I was missing them so much
              So...this week I had them away for the week and he said he would call if he wanted to talk to them (no calls)...

              In our relationship, I know that the 'drivers' are different for both of us. If I take my kids to their hockey or lacrosse games, my ex wants calls throughout the game to find out how they are going, and one at the end...however if I take them away for vacation he is fine waiting to talk to them until they return. I have 'learned' to make subtle comments now and then when I want something such as...could you let the boys call me after their game so I can talk to them...I know how much you enjoy having that conversation with them if you can't attend a game... (it works sometimes...!)

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