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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 11-14-2012, 10:46 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Default Expecting other parent to be up, and ready...for dropoff?

Am I asking too much here?
Is there anything further that I can do? As usual, this seems like a reasonable expectation...but it doesn't happen.

I drop my daughter off on my way to work, in the mornings, at Mom's house, like our order states. We're not talking 6am or anything. We're talking 7:30am to 8am. Mom doesn't work - she's a "stay at home Mom". I do work, and I'm the support payor. Mom insists on daughter being dropped off to her, before school - ex. I would not be able to keep my daughter, and drop her off to school myself - her reason, she's "the primary!" (her words).

This has been ongoing with "mom". I've made the "in person" requests, nicely, to ask her to be up and ready, so I'm not late for work. It's also so I know I'm dropping my daughter off to another parent ready to watch/care for her.

That didn't work, and so I've put it in writing in certified emails, which she has responded to in the past, back then, so I can show she knows I've requested this.

Examples of when this is an issue:
Mom knows what time I'm arriving.

- I'll have to knock on the door multiple times, waiting with my daughter on the front step, while her house is dark, waiting for her to wake up, and finally answer the door. Sometimes we're waiting 5 to 10 minutes.

- a few times with the above scenario, I was scolded for knocking more than once (or if I rang the door-bell), because her "bf" is trying to sleep. I'd have to tell her that I had to ring (or knock more than once), as nobody seemed to be coming to the door, and I have a job to get to.

- in these scenarios, Mom shows up at door looking bleary eyed, and "just out of bed".

- my daughter tells me, that sometimes she plays by herself, because "Mommy goes back to sleep". Nothing I can really do there, as this is just what my daughter states, and of course, I doubt Mom will say she does this.

- other times, it's Mom's older son who answers, and I have to leave my daughter with him (14). He is in midst of getting ready for school, with Mom nowhere to be seen. I've asked where "Mom" is (or sometimes my daughter asks "Where's Mommy"), and we get varying answers. Mom's still asleep. Mom's busy. I used to ask him, if he could go wake his Mom, and let her know I'm there. That seemed to cause issues, as Mom would be perturbed by this and say that he's old enough to leave daughter with. I'd mention, that he seems to need to get ready to go to school, and I'd like assurance that Mack is being supervised when he leaves, and that I'm also dropping daughter off, at agreed times.

This is definitely a case of two "differing" households here.

Anyway, I'm dropping my daughter off, at agreed time (in order). My daughter also starts school at 8:30am, so it does not seem unreasonable for Mom to be up, to collect my daughter, to help prepare her for her school day. I would assume, she should be up for her other kids as well. I know the oldest, just does it himself, and sometimes doesn't seem Mom before he heads to school.

I'd just like reassurance that when I'm dropping my daughter off, she's being dropped off to Mom's, where supervision will be happening and that the other parent is ready and prepared. I never have that impression with her.

Just wondering, if others run into this, and what they have found helpful?
I documented these instances, in case it matters, at some point.
Old 11-14-2012, 11:23 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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An option, but...

- the majority of the time, I start work well before my daughter's school begins - so that would mean having to use a babysitter or something. Something that seems unneccessary, when Mom is available (or supposed to be).

I did offer to her in the past, that she could let me know a babysitter/daycare that she would rather me drop daughter off at, if she can't be available, but that she would have to pay cost for it, since the reason for it, seems to be just that she wants to sleep in (I worded it to her, better than that). She was not up for that, to say the least.

There were a few select times in the past, when I attempted to drop off my daughter to her, and she wasn't available at all (missing in action). I'd have to try and call her/text her (at the time) to find out where she was. Then I'd get a last-minute "you can drop her off in other end of town..." response. It would end up being at one of her friend's or bf's house. One of them being the guy she lives with now.

When that would happen, I would setup a babysitting arrangement, and tell her, I've left daughter with Mrs. X, since you were not available at drop-off time, and I need to get to work. I'd ask her to let me know, when she can get our daugther from the baybsitter. That ended up being a gong-show, as she would never go to pick daughter up. She has no car. "I can't get there!" Would be the response. "I'm not driving across town on the bus!". "Bring my daughter to me!" "I'm primary, you bring her to wherever I choose to be!"

It was more drama. I documented it, and such. At least, that hasn't been happening as of late. She's now at her house (I assume) at drop-off...just not always up and available.
Old 11-14-2012, 11:41 AM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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Oh, and right now, my daughter doesn't go to school "full-time" quite yet, so there are some days, I have to drop her off to Mom (and not school). Next year she would go to school each day.

I'm thinking of getting the order changed as well, for next year, to avoid the "dropoffs" at least, at Mom's. That will likely be a battle with her too, as she doesn't seem to want me to do school dropoffs/pickups (it's like we have joint custody then...(rolling yes)), but I think given all this, I could show why it would be a better morning transition for my daugther, to lessen "dropoffs" at Mom's house. The school is just down the street from Mom - so Mom could then pick her up after school. But the order needs modified for all this.
Old 11-14-2012, 01:47 PM
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cashcow4ex cashcow4ex is offline
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I got to give you credit. You have patience, thats for sure. Just reading the part about "you bring her to me beacuase I am the primary" got my blood boiling.

Kinda makes my crazy ex look slightly better.
Old 11-14-2012, 02:33 PM
dad2bandm dad2bandm is offline
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I have many, many hostile emails and texts from her, saying these kind of statements. She has her own "interpretation" of our joint custody order, and the mindset that is required, to try and have joint custody. :-/ I get called "access parent" by her all the time too.
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