Assault: are things always as they seem?

[baldclub]

If I saw something like that happen, first thing I would do is pull out my phone and start recording. I would do that in most instances. If I needed my hands, like to apply first aid or help in another manner (to stop a really violent crime for instance) I would hand off my phone to another bystander if possible.

[hadenough]

The fact remains, the woman being the abuser is far less likely to be intervened upon, reported and even if reported: less likely to result in charges being laid.

There's a few things that make up the dynamics of the entire scenario, but in the final analysis it is a huge double standard, more than anything else.

What reactions do you suppose people would have if it were two men? Or two women? The only scenario I can think of where MOST people would intervene, would be if it were a man or woman, abusing a child/elderly person of any gender.

[caranna]

What would you think of someone who was severely physically assaulted and kept it secret for decades?

[hadenough]

@Caranna: I would think that person was very afraid, very intimidated, paralysed in a sense: can't see a way "out."

That person has lost their focus and their entire concept of themselves. Marginalized, treated like garbage to the point of not being able to see the forest for the trees. That person is lost. Like walking dead.

What matters most, is getting out/getting away.. What do you think of that person?

[caranna]

I was that person. I'm safe now and a lot stronger.

[caranna]

A couple of days ago, for the first time, I wrote my story about the physical abuse. I wrote to help other victims. I could picture and describe the events as if they happened yesterday.

It was very difficult to write. I became physically ill. Today I can barely eat because to relive the nightmare is horrifying. But I felt my story must be told and feel it has helped others. Maybe some day I'll post it here.

[hadenough]

Caranna, that is a wonderful way to help others and I imagine cathartic for you.

[caranna]

@Caranna: I would think that person was very afraid, very intimidated, paralysed in a sense: can't see a way "out."

That person has lost their focus and their entire concept of themselves. Marginalized, treated like garbage to the point of not being able to see the forest for the trees. That person is lost. Like walking dead.

What matters most, is getting out/getting away.. What do you think of that person?

Hadenough, thank you. You have a special sensitivity and awareness of the abused victim. Not many people want to bother to dirty their hands and help the abused person. But people need to learn that when speaking to an abused victim, a special sensitivity is required. We have been verbally and emotionally assaulted, some of us physically. Many, many of us have tried to protect the abuser, not ourselves. When we finally have the courage to tell someone about the abuse, there needs to be a special receptiveness and awareness of the victim’s plight.

[murphyslaw]

Bridget Takyi, devoted mother of two, mourned by friends - thestar.com

What people don't realise is that leaving an abusive relationship can shorten your life considerably .When a man says repeatedly that he will kill you-he may just do that.The act of leaving itself requires courage .

Caranna I applaud you on your bravery and courage in speaking of it but I also will give you warning.There is abusers also on this website, who have lost power over their victims.Your story will be inspirational to many, but will draw the anger of those who lost control over their partners.You may be opening up yourself to character assassination and bullying by someone else’s nightmare.

[caranna]

Bridget Takyi, devoted mother of two, mourned by friends - thestar.com

What people don't realise is that leaving an abusive relationship can shorten your life considerably .When a man says repeatedly that he will kill you-he may just do that.The act of leaving itself requires courage .

Caranna I applaud you on your bravery and courage in speaking of it but I also will give you warning.There is abusers also on this website, who have lost power over their victims.Your story will be inspirational to many, but will draw the anger of those who lost control over their partners.You may be opening up yourself to character assassination and bullying by someone else’s nightmare.

Murphyslaw, I realize that in posting my story that I am opening myself up to further abuse. The abuser is usually a very angry person. These people feel very entitled to bruise, bully and degrade their victims to satisfy their twisted needs of power, control and self worth. I didn't suffer for over 40 years to become a martyr. But in protecting my "husband" (and I use the term loosely) for so long by keeping his abuse a secret, I feel I need to finally speak out to help those who cannot help themselves.

[SadAndTired]

Caranna

I know it took courage and strength to leave an abusive situation but don't diminish how much courage it took for you to stay all those years. Enduring abuse isn't easy and it takes a strong person to come out on the other side..... Hugs.

[caranna]

Caranna

I know it took courage and strength to leave an abusive situation but don't diminish how much courage it took for you to stay all those years. Enduring abuse isn't easy and it takes a strong person to come out on the other side..... Hugs.

Sad and Tired,

I did endure severe physical abuse, that had I reported it, would have put my husband in jail. It took me almost 2 weeks to heal enough for me to dare show my face again. I didn't want anyone to know about the abuse. I was protecting him. I worked very hard as a wife, mother and business partner. I feel I did contribute a lot, so yes I guess I was strong. Thank you.

[caranna]

Realizing I'm intruding on OP's thread so mods please move my post and title "My Story".

Have to say though that Baldclub's title was ideal.

[baldclub]

Realizing I'm intruding on OP's thread so mods please move my post and title "My Story".

Have to say though that Baldclub's title was ideal.

Hell, don't worry about it Caranna, as long as you contribute something to the main topic as you have. Piggyback this thread as much as you need to point out the serious problems of abuse, I just ask to keep in mind it is gender neutral, that is what the video clearly demonstrates. Sorry, the video actually demonstrates that when assault happens to a man it is not even seen as violence by most, even a cop.

Bridget Takyi, devoted mother of two, mourned by friends - thestar.com

What people don't realise is that leaving an abusive relationship can shorten your life considerably .When a man says repeatedly that he will kill you-he may just do that.The act of leaving itself requires courage .

Caranna I applaud you on your bravery and courage in speaking of it but I also will give you warning.There is abusers also on this website, who have lost power over their victims.Your story will be inspirational to many, but will draw the anger of those who lost control over their partners.You may be opening up yourself to character assassination and bullying by someone else’s nightmare.

Yes, and when a woman says it too, she may also follow through. Or she may kill the children to get back at you. Violence is depressing anyway you read it, man on woman, woman on man, etc. etc.

[FB_]

Have not watched the video yet (blocked)

I have been physically assaulted three times since separation.

The first time she admitted to striking me on the phone to the 911 operator.

The second time she claimed I backed her into a corner and it was self defence.

The third time she jumped on top of me trying to steal my personal cell phone from me a mere 2" from both my kids. I left the room with her chasing me (recording the whole thing) she then entered the kitchen and kept hitting me trying to grab the cell phone from me.

The first time we were still trying to work things out and I told them I did not want to press charges. Which according to the rules below is not permitted.

The second time the cops clearly believed her story and I had no evidence to prove otherwise.

The third time I had the whole thing on video. The two officers (one male and one female) refused to even look at it or conduct an investigation contrary to their own policy.

Family Violence - Peel Regional Police

What police will do:

Conduct a thorough investigation
No investigation done

Advise victims that police will lay charges when reasonable grounds exist
no chares were laid and no investigation completed

Advise that neither police nor victims can withdraw charges
Police told me it was not assault but an argument without performing any investigation or even review the video I told them several times I had.

Obtain statements (Written/Videotaped)
I assume this was probably done

Take photographs (Scene/Injuries) when appropriate
Not done

Gather evidence (Answering Machine Tapes/Notes/Etc)
Not done

Obtain services of interpreters when needed
n/a
Provide support for children when present
Children were present CAS was later notified but they made me leave and left the children with her

Provide a Safety Plan when appropriate
n/a

Provide information about available victim services
No information on victim services were provdied

Suggest another place of safety when concerns exist
They made one of us leave...Me

Remain until satisfied there is no further threat to victim
Forced me out

Complete a Risk Assessment when charges are laid in cases of intimate relationships
No charges laid
Where charges are not laid, give advice on Restraining Orders, Peace Bonds and how to contact shelters and Victim Services of Peel.
Not provided

I was given appropriate advice here after the last incident but didn't want to escalate the situation further.

Which reminds me I have yet to retrieve the report for the last incident. I will do that this week. Depending on what's in the report I may file a complaint although they may ask why it took me so long.

The whole incident was recorded on my cell phone (video) I also have the whole thing including the 911 call (one side obviously) and the entire discussion with police on my personal audio recording device. I never offered the audio since I didn't want them to know I was recording the whole conversation with the police as well.

One thing I know without a doubt is if it had been reversed I would have left in cuffs.