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Chicka Bow Wow!

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  • Chicka Bow Wow!

    I've seen a couple PBS specials on monogamy that talks about this type of research. I find it fascinating.

    How the 'love hormone' works its magic - Men Sex - MSN Healthy Living

    Basically, having lots of sexual intimacy with your partner stimulates the hormone response necessary for long-term pair bonding and monogamy. Touching, hugging, looking into each other's eyes can work too (but having sex is way more fun!) Just more proof that married couples with intimacy issues are probably a lot more likely to be headed for divorce court sooner rather than later.

    Interesting study.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
    I've seen a couple PBS specials on monogamy that talks about this type of research. I find it fascinating.

    How the 'love hormone' works its magic - Men Sex - MSN Healthy Living

    Basically, having lots of sexual intimacy with your partner stimulates the hormone response necessary for long-term pair bonding and monogamy. Touching, hugging, looking into each other's eyes can work too (but having sex is way more fun!) Just more proof that married couples with intimacy issues are probably a lot more likely to be headed for divorce court sooner rather than later.

    Interesting study.
    Interesting...I've said much the same to my GF, nice to know science back me up...

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    • #3
      Interesting...

      I was actually talking to my sister in law last week about this... our other sister in law told us a few weeks ago that for the past 2 years, she can count on ONE hand how many times her and her husband have had sex. They were just married a year ago. She did admit she felt bad for her husband but "he takes it well"... unfortunately I don't think he going to take it well for much longer.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
        Interesting...

        I was actually talking to my sister in law last week about this... our other sister in law told us a few weeks ago that for the past 2 years, she can count on ONE hand how many times her and her husband have had sex. They were just married a year ago. She did admit she felt bad for her husband but "he takes it well"... unfortunately I don't think he going to take it well for much longer.
        There are of course many reasons for this....medical is one...many of the other reasons are complex. Often one partner witholding sex is a symptom of a larger issue, and simply complying and having sex won't make the issue go away.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
          There are of course many reasons for this....medical is one...many of the other reasons are complex. Often one partner witholding sex is a symptom of a larger issue, and simply complying and having sex won't make the issue go away.
          Oh I agree... but she did tell us that she just didn't feel like it. Mind you, this guy is very easy going and usually just goes with the flow. I do hope they live a happy life together and hope that sex doesn't cost them their relationship.

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          • #6
            She did admit she felt bad for her husband but "he takes it well"... unfortunately I don't think he going to take it well for much longer.
            It certainly doesn't bode well. Particularly if she's insensitive to it.

            I think too many couples think once they get married, they can relax on this issue a lot and I think its completely the opposite. My ex and I had separate rooms for about 12 years of our marriage and it definitely ensured that I had zero emotional attachment to him years and years before we separated. He didn't like to have his sleep disturbed...particularly during nursing times with our youngest and chose to sleep in another room. He would basically come into my room when he wanted 2 minutes of sex but because we shared zero other intimacy and didn't speak to each other much, I really wasn't interested so I started locking my door. It ensured the demise of our marriage.

            I just find these studies interesting because we tend to not pay attention to the amount or quality of intimacy after marriage. People are simply expected to stay monogamous and I think its important for people to know that this expectation is unrealistic and how you can assist the pair-bonding process by certain behaviors. We've all seen the couple who's been together forever and still can't stop holding hands or looking into each other's eyes all day. Seems like they were really onto something.

            There are other biological factors that help determine compatibility and help let you know that you're with the right person. Scent is one of them (its been brought up on this forum before). If you don't really enjoy the way your partner smells...its important biologically. It generally relates to an incompatible immune system. Its interesting when I think back about how I disliked how my ex smelled.

            People really need to investigate compatibility in general before getting serious about a new person.

            If you're starting or in a new relationship...its crucial that you are aware of the importance of studies like this. It helps ensure long-term relationship success. I definitely prioritize my life a lot differently these days.
            Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-26-2013, 01:22 PM.

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            • #7
              Oh I agree... but she did tell us that she just didn't feel like it. Mind you, this guy is very easy going and usually just goes with the flow.
              She's foolish if she thinks that she can maintain this mode forever. If he's a truly a good guy, she's not being fair to him and would be wise to reconsider. On the other hand, if this is really about her passively wanting out of the marriage (which I think is sometimes the unconscious reason for this mentality), she's going about it the right way.

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              • #8
                So I sent my GF that link, and she sent me...
                10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

                I guess that means we are compatible.

                And I think that is the important thing. If two people both have low libidos and want to have a relationship, thats fine. What isn't fine is to have a big delta.

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                • #9
                  If you are having issues, then it is hard to be intimate. Which came first???? A hen/egg issue.

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                  • #10
                    If you are having issues, then it is hard to be intimate. Which came first???? A hen/egg issue.
                    Good point. I think honestly, a lot of my resistance to sex at first came from a total resentment of the unfair allocation of work in my marriage...it was my form of protest. Sex was just another chore during marriage...yuck.

                    And later, I think it became my very crappy, passive way of notifying my ex that we needed to get divorced.

                    When he'd threaten me by saying that if I didn't give in, he'd have sex with other women. I'd just laugh and say "that would be a really good solution to the problem." I honestly couldn't have cared less although I'd have felt a bit sorry for any woman he slept with.

                    I still beat myself up that I didn't have the courage to get divorced a lot sooner than I did. I wasted a lot of unnecessary time with the wrong person and time is the one thing you can't get back.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                      Good point. I think honestly, a lot of my resistance to sex at first came from a total resentment of the unfair allocation of work in my marriage...it was my form of protest. Sex was just another chore during marriage...yuck.

                      And later, I think it became my very crappy, passive way of notifying my ex that we needed to get divorced.

                      When he'd threaten me by saying that if I didn't give in, he'd have sex with other women. I'd just laugh and say "that would be a really good solution to the problem." I honestly couldn't have cared less although I'd have felt a bit sorry for any woman he slept with.

                      I still beat myself up that I didn't have the courage to get divorced a lot sooner than I did. I wasted a lot of unnecessary time with the wrong person and time is the one thing you can't get back.
                      You and me both....

                      And I think like you, it was my passive way of sending a message to my ex. If you feel that you are being constantly lied to and manipulated and there is no trust, then the desire to be intimate isn't there.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post

                        And later, I think it became my very crappy, passive way of notifying my ex that we needed to get divorced.
                        ^^ Yup.

                        For ages, I thought that the importance of sex in marriage was overrated because I rarely had sex with my spouse over the 20+ years we were together - and we were doing just fine! Had a happy marriage! (This is called "deluding oneself"). Looking back, I think not being interested in sex was my way of registering that there were many things wrong in the marriage, even if I couldn't consciously acknowledge them. Once I started to figure out what was happening, my aversion to sex increased. Ex used to wonder out loud if maybe I was secretly a lesbian because I didn't like sleeping with him. I started to wonder the same thing.

                        Fast forward to end of marriage and meeting lovely boyfriend, and I discovered that I was really not a lesbian faking heterosexuality (not that being a lesbian is a bad thing - it's just not my thing). One of the very nice post-divorce surprises is the realization that I really do enjoy the bow-chicka-wow stuff and can have tons of fun that way - it just has to be with the right partner.

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                        • #13
                          One of the very nice post-divorce surprises is the realization that I really do enjoy the bow-chicka-wow stuff and can have tons of fun that way - it just has to be with the right partner.
                          My ex used to call me frigid and tell me that I needed a doctor to figure out what was wrong with me. I was pretty sure that there was nothing wrong with me except that I would have preferred to masturbating with a cheese grater rather than suffering through sex with him.

                          By the way, if you're having trouble with intimacy in your relationship...you need to do a root cause analysis...not increase the pestering...believe me, that just makes it a lot worse, a lot faster.

                          Once I got separated and met my new partner...I confirmed my theory that my lack of sexual desire was largely a compatibility problem with my ex. Not only am I far from frigid, I might actually be a monogamous sex addict.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                            My ex used to call me frigid and tell me that I needed a doctor to figure out what was wrong with me. I was pretty sure that there was nothing wrong with me except that I would have preferred to masturbating with a cheese grater rather than suffering through sex with him.

                            By the way, if you're having trouble with intimacy in your relationship...you need to do a root cause analysis...not increase the pestering...believe me, that just makes it a lot worse, a lot faster.

                            Once I got separated and met my new partner...I confirmed my theory that my lack of sexual desire was largely a compatibility problem with my ex. Not only am I far from frigid, I might actually be a monogamous sex addict.
                            Wow that's quite the image... Thanks for that ....ummm not really.

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                            • #15
                              lol...sorry for being graphic. Chalk it up to my watching the Walking Dead series on Netflix.

                              Comment

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