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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 06-16-2014, 03:03 PM
Serene Serene is offline
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Default Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP)

I came across this article that is quite the interesting read. Also seems very relevant to my husband's situation with his former spouse.

We (the forum members) throw the term HC around a lot but HAP seems to be distinct from HC. As I read this, HC is more between the parents while HAP is deliberate efforts to undermine a child's relationship with the other parent.

The list provides reasons the HAP parent behaves this way. An interesting read for certain.

Symptoms of HAP
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Old 06-18-2014, 10:13 PM
Stacy'sMom Stacy'sMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serene View Post
I came across this article that is quite the interesting read. Also seems very relevant to my husband's situation with his former spouse.

We (the forum members) throw the term HC around a lot but HAP seems to be distinct from HC. As I read this, HC is more between the parents while HAP is deliberate efforts to undermine a child's relationship with the other parent.

The list provides reasons the HAP parent behaves this way. An interesting read for certain.

Symptoms of HAP
This is exactly what I'm dealing with in my own situation and because it's emotional abuse (as opposed to physical/sexual abuse) it's hard to make a case on how it happens and how damaging this kind of behaviour in fact is to the child. I think this website will be very helpful for myself and many others.

Thanks!
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Old 06-19-2014, 10:53 PM
Headwaters1 Headwaters1 is offline
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My ex has been having my boy say his name but including hers on the end...so he now says my name is first-name last-name mother-last name....would that be a valid concern for parent alienation? Do others see this as a big deal or a, I making a mountain out of a mole hill?


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Old 06-20-2014, 06:16 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
My ex has been having my boy say his name but including hers on the end...so he now says my name is first-name last-name mother-last name....would that be a valid concern for parent alienation? Do others see this as a big deal or a, I making a mountain out of a mole hill?


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Making a mountain out of a mole hill... there are cases where judges have ordered last names be hyphenated and there is nothing wrong with that. however unless she amends his birth certificate his legal name is still only your last name
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
My ex has been having my boy say his name but including hers on the end...so he now says my name is first-name last-name mother-last name....would that be a valid concern for parent alienation? Do others see this as a big deal or a, I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
She is attempting to artificially form a strong association with herself by having the child memorize and use her sername instead of his legal birth sername. By doing so, the child can eventually identify more with one side than the other. This is a form of child brainwashing which is another form of abuse desguised as something innocent. This is particularly harmful when the child is younger.

My ex tried the same thing years ago and even got my child call me by my first name instead of the usual 'Daddy'... She was trying to teach her son that her boyfriend was Daddy and that I was just another guy known as my first name.

Nothing short of Sick.
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:13 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Server View Post
She is attempting to artificially form a strong association with herself by having the child memorize and use her sername instead of his legal birth sername. By doing so, the child can eventually identify more with one side than the other. This is a form of child brainwashing which is another form of abuse desguised as something innocent. This is particularly harmful when the child is younger.

My ex tried the same thing years ago and even got my child call me by my first name instead of the usual 'Daddy'... She was trying to teach her son that her boyfriend was Daddy and that I was just another guy known as my first name.

Nothing short of Sick.
I disagree with that. He never said she was trying to get the child to drop his last name, but rather add her's to the end. I don't think it is brain washing at all, I feel it allows the child to identify with both parents. If she was attempting to remove Dad's last name I would agree, but that is not the case
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:14 AM
Serene Serene is offline
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Oh dear! So if I understand you Server - when you named the child with your surname then you also were creating an artificially strong association with the child?

I don't think it is wrong for both parents to want to associate their last names with their children - legally or just in day to day dealings. Its a form of identity. Anyhow, you can be as upset about it as you want - the child is still half you and have hers.
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:53 AM
Stacy'sMom Stacy'sMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Server View Post
She is attempting to artificially form a strong association with herself by having the child memorize and use her sername instead of his legal birth sername. By doing so, the child can eventually identify more with one side than the other. This is a form of child brainwashing which is another form of abuse desguised as something innocent. This is particularly harmful when the child is younger.
Server,

I don't agree that allowing a child to integrate both parents surnames is necessarily a bad thing, and here's why- kids get their sense of self identity primarily from observing the similarities they share with their parents.

kids like to see:
  • the physical traits they share with their parents
  • the personality similarities they share with their parents
  • the talents and interests which they share with their parents
Because the things they have common with their mother and father help the child to realize who they are as individuals, sometimes allowing a child to self identify using both surnames actually helps the child to make the connection to each of their parents all the stronger when the child's parents are no longer together.


Now, with that being said, if a parent is trying to use heavy influence to separate the association of the child from one parent by using a change in surname, or other tactics which lessons the similarities between parent and child in any way- that is a completely different story and something which potentially places the child in serious developmental harm, and which could be regarded as a form of psychological child abuse.

I think it's important to note the difference between healthy encouragement of what a child is seeking in association with each parent, and those unhealthy situations where parents are trying to dissociate a parent from the child because they are 2 very different things with outcomes that lay on the complete polar opposite to each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Server View Post
My ex tried the same thing years ago and even got my child call me by my first name instead of the usual 'Daddy'... She was trying to teach her son that her boyfriend was Daddy and that I was just another guy known as my first name.

Nothing short of Sick.
^This^ is just wrong!

No parent has the right to confuse their child in such a way, and doing something like this can be very damaging to a child in the long term!
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Old 07-05-2014, 09:53 AM
BGalbr567 BGalbr567 is offline
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I think it should be an above board conversation, not done in secret. If she wants her name passed on to the child, I see no problem with it - as long as it's not done underhandedly.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:29 PM
stripes stripes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Headwaters1 View Post
My ex has been having my boy say his name but including hers on the end...so he now says my name is first-name last-name mother-last name....would that be a valid concern for parent alienation? Do others see this as a big deal or a, I making a mountain out of a mole hill?


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I think it's a molehill. The child is integrating both parents' names into his or her own name - which seems reasonable. The child after all is attached to both parents. As long as all the legal documents are consistent, I don't see much benefit in contesting this. (It's also a losing battle - you don't want to put your child in a situation where one parent is saying "Your name is XYZ" and the other parents is saying "No, your name is XY").

This isn't a big deal unless you make it into one.
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