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seeker101 · #11 02-06-2020, 10:56 PM

I can sympathize and relate with your experience. I went through a similar emotional state where I fantasized a happy ending with my ex and kid.

Through couples counseling, I came to the conclusion that it was better to end the marriage for the betterment of everyone.

Since the separation, my ex became extremely vindictive and hateful. While we were together, at least there was still a facade of love and decency. When marriage ended, all masks came off.

I have gone through criminal charges and countless allegations of abuse, which continue to this day. Currently fighting just to have a reasonable parenting schedule.

After separation, I envisioned just having a civil ex. Being able to just sit together, resolve matters amiably and at least show our child that mom and dad get along and are nice people; reality is far from it.

With passage of time, family/friends support and overcoming my own emotional weaknesses, I have come to a realization that this will never be my reality. It really used to bother and hurt me but not anymore as I cannot control the actions of my ex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janus

She is trying to take away your kids. This is the worst thing possible. On the entire planet, nobody has ever done anything even remotely this bad to you. Never forget that.

This is absolutely spot on!

Remember, the true character of a person comes out in times of difficulties and hardships. If your ex starts withholding and alienating kids from you just because you separated... chances are she never really respected you, let alone love you, while you were still together.

Wish you the best!

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alongjourney · #12 02-12-2020, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker101

Since the separation, my ex became extremely vindictive and hateful. While we were together, at least there was still a facade of love and decency. When marriage ended, all masks came off.
...
After separation, I envisioned just having a civil ex. Being able to just sit together, resolve matters amiably and at least show our child that mom and dad get along and are nice people; reality is far from it.

Welcome to the club. Things took a serious downturn for me when she realized she wasn't getting what she felt entitled to. We went from visiting houses together with the kids to her being charged criminally for a bunch of stuff. Yes, that's when the mask came off. And then you wonder what part of the relationship was true.

LoginvDad: It seems like you're still in the fog.. https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-...ligation-guilt

LovingDad1234 · #13 02-12-2020, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alongjourney

LoginvDad: It seems like you're still in the fog.. https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-...ligation-guilt

Was this a reference to me being in a fog? Are you suggesting my ex is an abuser towards me? Many have suggested such. Using kids to hurt me. Says we separated for X,Y, and Z reasons, and those don't even seem to be the reason anymore. Now she says its because of the outcome of the court process... thats the reason....

alongjourney · #14 02-12-2020, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingDad1234

Was this a reference to me being in a fog? Are you suggesting my ex is an abuser towards me?

Yes, because there seems to be a lot of blame.

LovingDad1234 · #15 02-12-2020, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alongjourney

Yes, because there seems to be a lot of blame.

Yes, it has been suggested my ex is abusive towards me. Gaslighting, manipulating, and saying things to try to get her way, only to later re-neg. For example, she said that if I give her what she wants with respect to access and custody, there is a possibility of reconciliation. I could not gamble with the possibility of me agreeing to that, for her to only say "thank you for the access and custody, now take a hike"

alongjourney · #16 02-13-2020, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingDad1234

Yes, it has been suggested my ex is abusive towards me. Gaslighting, manipulating, and saying things to try to get her way, only to later re-neg.

I'm not a psychologist and BPD/NPD may not be present but in line with the other suggestions you have received, you may want to buy this book and give it a read. It will help you understand a few things... and help you maintain your sanity.

https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretakin...1569362&sr=8-1

LovingDad1234 · #17 02-13-2020, 10:32 AM

Read a few pages into that book. Oh Boy!!! Some stuff just jumps off the page. My ex never cut the embilical cord from her mom. And mom is all too happy to cater to her adult daughter. Even still pays her bills, car payments, insurance, etc. If ever money is short, mom comes to the rescue. When I was in a relationship with her, it was all about attending to "her" needs. I think she even said a number of times she is looking for someone to "take care of her".

Now that she brought me to court, and through the ringer, I had to sell the home and liquidate assets to pay for legal fees, to defend myself in the process SHE started. Now that its over, I don't own a home and don't have money in the bank account. Therefore, and as such, I am not seen as desirable to her, as I cannot offer anything other than my love. Sure we can rebuild, but she doesn't want to. What she will do is find someone else, who has assets, and mooch/leach off of him, until she financially ruins him too.

alongjourney · #18 02-13-2020, 11:40 AM

Don't give up on your future.. go through the book. Other sections will also shed a lot of light. You'll also understand why you did what you did. It will take you a few months to truly grasp what the hell happened in your life.

I'm happy it could help. That book pretty much saved me, and a bunch of other people.

Feel free to send me a direct message of you want recommendations of other books because from what I read here there's a lot "there aren't many BPD/NPD out there, don't think that your ex is like his because she acts vindicative". Only the ones that have been through this can truly understand how damaging it is. For others, they simply cannot grasp it.

On a darker note: I know that many say "50-50 is the way to go, a kids needs both parents" and I was like this at the beginning, but if it truly is BPD/NPD, that can causes serious damage to the kids so think carefully.

Abba435 · #19 02-19-2020, 05:16 PM

The family law system is horrendous. It tears families apart by using a civil litigation model that is adversarial and lawyers act like they are in LA Law. Common Law with precedent is the worst possible method of jurisprudence for family law. No-one ever wins except lawyers.

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