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  • #16
    Being a new partner in a relationship with someone who has kids isn't easy. When my partner and I first got together his children were very young (3.5 & 1.5). I was very open and honest with him off the get go. I told him that I understood he was a package deal and would never treat those kids like they were my own, however I did expect something in return. I expected to be respected by him and the children and that when the kids were in our house they were expected to listen to our rules, just like it will be with the child we have together. For us it was easier because his children were so young. His daughter doesn't even remember her parents living together, his son has a few memories.

    We have always treated the children like they are ours, not just his. The children need to know that the new partner isn't taking their father away, rather adding to their family. Our biggest hurdle was his ex, as she has never really been okay with the whole thing, even though she initiated the separation (via email I might add). She tried hard to create problems for us, or so it seemed. At first my partner was a door mat for her, he let her walk all over him and never stood up for himself. It is very hard when you love someone to watch them go through that, whether they are a partner, friend or relative. But as an adult they need to learn to deal with it on their own.

    My partner and I had some rough patches because his way of dealing with things, not just with his children but with his own family, is totally different than the way I deal with things. I don't let anyone treat me bad, I don't care who they are. I can honestly say, I think what made my partner stand up and take notice was when I got into a pretty heated argument with his father. He was being very disrespectful and I didn't put up with it.

    I constantly remind my partner that this is OUR life, what others think of it means nothing. As long as kids and us are happy who cares. My partner has a very different parenting style than me... he is either dead quiet when the kids act up or he yells at them. This is something I have learned that you cannot change people. You cannot change how people parent or react to situations. All you can do is set examples and hope that they are paying attention to realize what you have just done. If the kids fight or act up, I just tell my partner I will handle it. I am much better at talking to the children. Over the past couple months there has been a positive change and he has improved his relationship with his kids because he modified the way he dealt with them.

    I am just a few years out of my teenage years and I remember what it was like with my parents. There was a time span of a couple years where I swear I hated them every day, I blamed them for EVERYTHING... why my bf and I broke up, why my hair wouldn't go the way I wanted it to, why it was raining, why I didn't get perfect on a test, it didn't matter what it was, I blamed them for everything. I think that is just what teenagers do. Through it all, my parents loved me unconditionally, it didn't matter if I was mean or rude to them, they knew it was a phase, they knew that they were doing the best they could for me and they knew that soon I would look back and realize what a jerk I was.

    Giving your partner an ultimatum is never a good idea. You may not see it as forcing him to choose, but essentially you are. Instead just be there to listen to him, I wouldn't even really offer advice. If he comes to you and says "once again my child is treating me like a door mat" simple tell him you are sorry and you know he will find a way to deal with it. Sometimes not offering advice is better than offering advice. Let him come up with his own ways to deal with things instead of spoon feeding him.

    I don't just like my partners kids, I love them and I think that makes all the difference in the world. If you are not close to the kids, you will never be truly as close to him as you want to be. I see my partners eyes light up with pure joy when his kids run to hug me, or when they fall asleep on me while we are watching a family movie. If you are going to have a relationship with someone who has kids, you need to accept those kids 100%. Doesn't mean you replace their Mom or pretend to be their Mom, but they need to know that they are an important part of your household too, despite the mood they are in.

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    • #17
      I get that BF and I am very open to spending time with them and welcoming them into my life. They are an extension of him and I care about them as well. The ex does manipulate them though. I spent several days with them over the holidays and we had a good time together but one phone call from her to them and suddenly I was the evil gf who was being lied to and making their father love them less. I know this is a package deal and part of the reason I love him is because of how fatherhood changed him. I am the first one to say to him that they will come around. Im hoping when the older one goes away to school there will be an improvement in the relationship. Im also hoping that this move for us will bring us closer to the younger one so he can further the relationship in a positive way to avoid the same issues hes having now.

      We agreed to not let his ex into our relationship and I realize my current frustration is doing just that. I need to set my frustration aside and let him handle them as how sees fit.

      We both need to remember to not allow conflict to consume us. If she chooses to be high conflict, so be it but we can choose to ignore the attack emails and the screaming phone calls and the negative comments repeated by the kids (the first two are by the ex, the kids repeat stuff she says to them in the house). I just find it really unfortunate that so much animosity has to continue. They got divorced to stop that but it continues through the constant bickering over stupidity.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post

        We both need to remember to not allow conflict to consume us. If she chooses to be high conflict, so be it but we can choose to ignore the attack emails and the screaming phone calls and the negative comments repeated by the kids (the first two are by the ex, the kids repeat stuff she says to them in the house). I just find it really unfortunate that so much animosity has to continue. They got divorced to stop that but it continues through the constant bickering over stupidity.
        Just a thought, but - in dealing with his ex, is there anything you and your partner can laugh at here? Humor is often a great stress reliever and can lighten up the emotional tone. If you can find the ridiculous or the completely silly in an otherwise undesirable situation, it can be a relief from the seriousness.

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        • #19
          Try and remember, if it wasn't the issues relating to the ex that are causing frustration, it would be something else lol, people don't know how to coexist in perfect harmony besides, that would be boring!

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Wyntermcd View Post
            Try and remember, if it wasn't the issues relating to the ex that are causing frustration, it would be something else lol, people don't know how to coexist in perfect harmony besides, that would be boring!
            True ^^^though I've had enough high octane drama to last me a lifetime ... I'll take boring - boring is good.
            Hats off to all of you brave enough to take on a new spouse with an angry Ex and kids, you have all my admiration and respect!

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            • #21
              We discussed the situation after he received a beautiful email from the ex absolving them from any responsibility in the snafu. He was wrong to book the tickets and no one reimburses her for expenses getting the kids back and forth the train/bus and this is all him and shes not denying access shes just putting their kids safety first. He agreed with me that it wasn't fair and he isn't going to be chasing them. He also said he was concerned about feeling like a prisoner in his house worrying about the phone ringing or checking his emails to have a nasty message from her. I reminded him that living well is the best revenge and if she goes to court because she thinks shes entitled to get back her settlement funds she'll just end up wasting money. Its more his psychological well being i worry about. So we remember to consider the source and laugh. Hopefully one day the kids will see through the brainwashing and try to rekindle their relationship. Im just happy he recognizes the impact this has on his health and hes just as concerned. Thanks for the advice. Im going to really remember whats important. Building a healthy relationship and making sure his kids know that includes them no matter what his ex thinks.

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