Being a new partner in a relationship with someone who has kids isn't easy. When my partner and I first got together his children were very young (3.5 & 1.5). I was very open and honest with him off the get go. I told him that I understood he was a package deal and would never treat those kids like they were my own, however I did expect something in return. I expected to be respected by him and the children and that when the kids were in our house they were expected to listen to our rules, just like it will be with the child we have together. For us it was easier because his children were so young. His daughter doesn't even remember her parents living together, his son has a few memories.
We have always treated the children like they are ours, not just his. The children need to know that the new partner isn't taking their father away, rather adding to their family. Our biggest hurdle was his ex, as she has never really been okay with the whole thing, even though she initiated the separation (via email I might add). She tried hard to create problems for us, or so it seemed. At first my partner was a door mat for her, he let her walk all over him and never stood up for himself. It is very hard when you love someone to watch them go through that, whether they are a partner, friend or relative. But as an adult they need to learn to deal with it on their own.
My partner and I had some rough patches because his way of dealing with things, not just with his children but with his own family, is totally different than the way I deal with things. I don't let anyone treat me bad, I don't care who they are. I can honestly say, I think what made my partner stand up and take notice was when I got into a pretty heated argument with his father. He was being very disrespectful and I didn't put up with it.
I constantly remind my partner that this is OUR life, what others think of it means nothing. As long as kids and us are happy who cares. My partner has a very different parenting style than me... he is either dead quiet when the kids act up or he yells at them. This is something I have learned that you cannot change people. You cannot change how people parent or react to situations. All you can do is set examples and hope that they are paying attention to realize what you have just done. If the kids fight or act up, I just tell my partner I will handle it. I am much better at talking to the children. Over the past couple months there has been a positive change and he has improved his relationship with his kids because he modified the way he dealt with them.
I am just a few years out of my teenage years and I remember what it was like with my parents. There was a time span of a couple years where I swear I hated them every day, I blamed them for EVERYTHING... why my bf and I broke up, why my hair wouldn't go the way I wanted it to, why it was raining, why I didn't get perfect on a test, it didn't matter what it was, I blamed them for everything. I think that is just what teenagers do. Through it all, my parents loved me unconditionally, it didn't matter if I was mean or rude to them, they knew it was a phase, they knew that they were doing the best they could for me and they knew that soon I would look back and realize what a jerk I was.
Giving your partner an ultimatum is never a good idea. You may not see it as forcing him to choose, but essentially you are. Instead just be there to listen to him, I wouldn't even really offer advice. If he comes to you and says "once again my child is treating me like a door mat" simple tell him you are sorry and you know he will find a way to deal with it. Sometimes not offering advice is better than offering advice. Let him come up with his own ways to deal with things instead of spoon feeding him.
I don't just like my partners kids, I love them and I think that makes all the difference in the world. If you are not close to the kids, you will never be truly as close to him as you want to be. I see my partners eyes light up with pure joy when his kids run to hug me, or when they fall asleep on me while we are watching a family movie. If you are going to have a relationship with someone who has kids, you need to accept those kids 100%. Doesn't mean you replace their Mom or pretend to be their Mom, but they need to know that they are an important part of your household too, despite the mood they are in.
We have always treated the children like they are ours, not just his. The children need to know that the new partner isn't taking their father away, rather adding to their family. Our biggest hurdle was his ex, as she has never really been okay with the whole thing, even though she initiated the separation (via email I might add). She tried hard to create problems for us, or so it seemed. At first my partner was a door mat for her, he let her walk all over him and never stood up for himself. It is very hard when you love someone to watch them go through that, whether they are a partner, friend or relative. But as an adult they need to learn to deal with it on their own.
My partner and I had some rough patches because his way of dealing with things, not just with his children but with his own family, is totally different than the way I deal with things. I don't let anyone treat me bad, I don't care who they are. I can honestly say, I think what made my partner stand up and take notice was when I got into a pretty heated argument with his father. He was being very disrespectful and I didn't put up with it.
I constantly remind my partner that this is OUR life, what others think of it means nothing. As long as kids and us are happy who cares. My partner has a very different parenting style than me... he is either dead quiet when the kids act up or he yells at them. This is something I have learned that you cannot change people. You cannot change how people parent or react to situations. All you can do is set examples and hope that they are paying attention to realize what you have just done. If the kids fight or act up, I just tell my partner I will handle it. I am much better at talking to the children. Over the past couple months there has been a positive change and he has improved his relationship with his kids because he modified the way he dealt with them.
I am just a few years out of my teenage years and I remember what it was like with my parents. There was a time span of a couple years where I swear I hated them every day, I blamed them for EVERYTHING... why my bf and I broke up, why my hair wouldn't go the way I wanted it to, why it was raining, why I didn't get perfect on a test, it didn't matter what it was, I blamed them for everything. I think that is just what teenagers do. Through it all, my parents loved me unconditionally, it didn't matter if I was mean or rude to them, they knew it was a phase, they knew that they were doing the best they could for me and they knew that soon I would look back and realize what a jerk I was.
Giving your partner an ultimatum is never a good idea. You may not see it as forcing him to choose, but essentially you are. Instead just be there to listen to him, I wouldn't even really offer advice. If he comes to you and says "once again my child is treating me like a door mat" simple tell him you are sorry and you know he will find a way to deal with it. Sometimes not offering advice is better than offering advice. Let him come up with his own ways to deal with things instead of spoon feeding him.
I don't just like my partners kids, I love them and I think that makes all the difference in the world. If you are not close to the kids, you will never be truly as close to him as you want to be. I see my partners eyes light up with pure joy when his kids run to hug me, or when they fall asleep on me while we are watching a family movie. If you are going to have a relationship with someone who has kids, you need to accept those kids 100%. Doesn't mean you replace their Mom or pretend to be their Mom, but they need to know that they are an important part of your household too, despite the mood they are in.
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