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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 08-27-2019, 03:23 PM
Bananie Bananie is offline
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Default Reasoning with a Man (husband)

Spouse and I have been together 10 years. He's unhappy, I'm probably even more unhappy. But the problem is he refused to entertain divorce or separation for reason that are beyond me and my knowledge. We have 2 young kids under the age of 10 so he probably thinks that it's in their best interest if we stay together who knows. Life is hell. We fight all the time. I've tried to reason with him but he won't hear any of it. I don't know how to get through to him and our communication has broken down long ago.
I feel trapped and stuck. I've been reading posts on this forum about what a hell divorce is, but staying together seems equally just as bad. I really don't know what to do. I've never felt so lost in my life. I feel like he will make my life hellish if I go down the divorce route, esp. with the kids, and I really really don't want that. I would wish to to be amicable. Maybe that's wishful thinking.
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  #2  
Old 08-27-2019, 03:42 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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first off get some counselling for yourself. Find out why you are not happy. Yes he may seem to be unreasonable but have you actually sat down with him and had a reasonable conversation about the situation and what he thinks and what you want to resolve the issues? Talk to the man without throwing the divorce word around. It may be that the way you are approaching him that may be the issue.
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  #3  
Old 08-29-2019, 02:18 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananie View Post
he refused to entertain divorce or separation
You do not need his agreement to get divorced. You just do it.

Quote:
I feel like he will make my life hellish if I go down the divorce route, esp. with the kids, and I really really don't want that.
The question is not whether divorce would be bad. The question is whether divorce would be worse than the current situation. His ability to make your life hellish is more limited than you might think.

Divorce is bad for two reasons:

1) Financially, it is a big hit

2) You lose some control over your kids

but... with #2, you also gain some control over your kids because while they are with you your ex spouse has almost no say in what you do. It is kinda awesome.
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Old 08-30-2019, 01:56 AM
sucessfuljourney sucessfuljourney is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
but... with #2, you also gain some control over your kids because while they are with you your ex spouse has almost no say in what you do. It is kinda awesome.
This is de-stressing to say when you win your kids 50/50 after repeated access denials, police and children's aid interviews, and one crazy court battle with child custody, access, and child support nuclear warheads.

Absent of the above, If I could go back in time and try even harder to save the marriage for the sake of the kids, I would have. Though I felt confident I did everything I could to save the marriage.

Give yourselves sometime to "cool down" and proceed with marriage counselling. Do whatever is in your power to work things out and do it for your kids.

Though I agree you will still have amazing times with your kid and lots of freedom and travel anywhere in the world you want, and your children may be appearing to have an absolute blast, there will always something inside them, want them to be with both parents and have their parents be back together. I have totally seen it in my kid in the last 7.5 years of her life and even more so when her mother and I attend joint school events, field trips, or sometimes have friendly discussions at the exchanges. If such a glow in their face is not convincing enough, then this might be. This being the fact that the child misses me when with mom, and misses mom when with me. Which is why I have to work extra hard to keep her distracted and engaged in activities as much possible when with me, and pray that her mom is doing the same when in her care.

If mom wanted to get back, I totally would for my kid. I'm actually kidding. I totally wouldn't because if she did what she did to me and my innocent child once, an innocent child with every right to a happy life, she is sure to do it again a second time.

I broke apart enough first time around, but what didn't kill me only made me stronger and better person. I'd like to keep myself together as a requirements for me to continue to provide the best to my child as much as I am able to. being a dad, a mom, whatever I need to be to my child to give her the very best in life. I don't think I could make it through such a war again without losing my sanity. More importantly, I would not dare risk putting my child through such a thing a second time.

Marriage counselling is something we did not look into or try. Mediation (with a BSW MSW social worker) got us into really good talking terms and getting along that I am almost confident marriage counselling could have saved the marriage.

If I could go back and try harder to save the marriage, I would have. Though I am sure I tried my very best at that time given the circumstances. If we didn't have kids however, I would have said fuck it and moved on.

I had to say fuck it and moved on, but my child remains scared for life.
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  #5  
Old 09-02-2019, 12:05 PM
Frostrated Frostrated is offline
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Divorce sucks but I can speak personally when I say that living in a miserable marriage is so much worse. I agree with getting some counselling for yourself.
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